


Nirvana (Phan)

by orphan_account



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Serial Killers, M/M, Murder, Murder Kink, Murderers, Serial Killers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2017-04-02
Packaged: 2018-05-02 12:42:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 59,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5248640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An object in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an outside force.<br/>And love conquers all.<br/>Can you stop someone from going too far? Will love truly conquer, even in the darkest of times?</p><p>[[warning: this story is awfully fucked up. if the tags weren't enough... it's murder and its porn and it mixes the two and it's just generally not good.]]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

A vacuum seemed to have been placed over the room, sucking out all noise and air. I couldn’t catch my breath as I stared numbly at the body half slumped against the counter, soaking it and the floor in dark red blood. Everything was moving so slowly. I could see an individual drop of blood slide down the man’s neck and disappear behind the collar of his shirt. I felt a force pushing me back, then pulling me forward again gently, but I couldn’t pull my eyes from the man. God, was he ok? Why was there so much blood? What was he doing in my kitchen?

The back and forth force stopped, and a hard, flat object slapped my face. With that one blow, everything came to normal speed while the air and sound returned in a rush. I was suddenly aware of Dan in front of me, panting, and his eyes wide and wild. His hand was half raised, and I realized that he had been the one shaking me and finally slapping me. I touched my slightly stinging cheek in shock. “Wh-what’s…” I couldn’t even ask a proper question.

Dan was in hysterics. He grabbed on to the front of my shirt, his hands soaked in blood. I could see tears in his eyes, and he looked utterly terrified. “You can’t tell anyone!” He was screaming, his whole body quivering. I put my hands on his sides to steady him, just out of habit, though I was slightly afraid of him. Dan’s legs nearly gave out. “Phil, promise me!! They’ll take Sawyer, I can’t lose him!” I thought briefly to his younger brother, frowning.

“What are we gonna do?” I asked softly, blinking at the tears that were fighting their way to my eyes. “Dan, baby, you didn’t do this…did you…?”

Dan’s bottom lip quivered. He didn’t say it, but I knew. I nodded, biting my own lip. “Self-defense, right? You didn’t…just…” Dan shook his head quickly. “Baby, no! No, god no, it was self-defense. Of course. He snuck in, I think he was trying to rob us. I just…I panicked!”

I looked at the man on the ground. He looked young, fairly attractive. It was a shame, a damn shame. I swallowed hard and said shakily. “We have to call the police. Dan, it will be ok. I won’t let them take you away. But we can’t just take care of this ourselves!”

“We can!” Dan insisted, stepping away from me. “Don’t you trust me? Phil…don’t you love me?”

I looked at him, then at the body. Then at him. I didn’t know what to do, where to turn. I slowly drew it a breath.

“I do.”


	2. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all of the warnings. it's just fucked up ok. killing, violence, abuse, crazy, and whatever else you can think of. enjoy! <3 PLEASE READ THE END NOTE IT IS SO IMPORTANT I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH HOW IMPORTANT IT IS

_"I guess that's basically where it all started," I said softly, staring down at my hands. The white t-shirt and hospital blue pants I was wearing melded in perfectly with the pale tile floor and white chair. The man across from me stopped writing, looking up at me over his glasses. "This was a couple years before the first murder recorded murder." He said slowly. I nodded and ran my hand through my hair. "Yeah, yeah. It was in self-defense. Or at least that's what I told the police," I looked up at him carefully, "You're not going to tell them that, are you?"_

_The man shook his head. "I can't. I'm not here to rat you out, Mr. Lester. I'm here to help you. I want you to trust that you can go into any details you didn't tell the police. It's crucial that I know everything that happened so I can better assess you."_

_I swallowed hard, looking at the table top where there was a glass of water and a box of tissues. "Everything? Even...?"_

_He didn't miss a beat. "Your sex life will need to be recorded as well, yes, as it ties in closely with the murders." I nodded again, trying not to look as embarrassed as I felt. I wondered how much detail he wanted, exactly. I wasn't comfortable with sharing too much. But I guess, none of that really mattered now. Why hide? I could be as honest as I wanted now, no consequence could save me from my fate. "I won't spare the details, then." I sighed. "What's your name again? Sorry, I'm forgetful."_

_"Arthur Sutton. You may call me whatever you like." He almost sounded kind, but I knew that he knew he was looking at a deranged psycho. He didn't think I would really be in need of niceties, as I likely had no feelings. He didn't know that I actually felt a lot._

_"I guess I'll move on," I cleared my throat, "I remember, a few days after the intrusion incident, we started seeing his face and hearing his name all over the news and...God, I couldn't stomach it. I had to change the channel every single time or I would get physically sick. It was awful. But, I was the one who took care of his body, so...and when I say that, I mean I was the one to cut up his meat and freeze it, then burn the rest out in the forest. I mean, I couldn't look at his picture on the TV without seeing his jaw twitching when I cut off his head with the axe. I just...I don't even know. I don't know why I kept the meat! Waste not, want not. Right?" I let out a nervous chuckle, but Doctor Sutton didn't even flinch. He was just staring straight at me, waiting for me to continue. I cleared my throat again._

_"So, I came home from that...ordeal. I was covered in blood and dirt. I had a bag of the meat in my hand. Dan was feeding Sawyer in his high chair, and when he saw me, he just casually asked what was for dinner. I guess I was in shock because I didn't say anything. Just stared at him. Dan smiled like I had answered and said, 'Oh, my favorite!' So we had some human for dinner. Tastes a lot like pork, just softer. Maybe like a piglet? Anyway, with the right seasoning, I couldn't even tell. We all ate it, even Sawyer chewed on a few pieces. And that guy surprisingly gave us a lot of meat, we ate it for a couple of months. Even fed it to my mom once when she was visiting. She loved it. Kind of funny, isn't it?"_

_I looked hopefully at Doctor Sutton. He removed his glasses slowly. "Mr. Lester...I'm sorry, I just don't find any of this amusing."_

_Grinning, I shook my head. "Me neither. It's very unfunny. But I have to find a way to laugh at it or I would have completely lost my head a long time ago. I mean, more than I already have. It's just easier for me to laugh, I'm sorry. I'm not much a fan of doom and gloom. Mom always said to see the good in everything. That's just what I'm trying to do here."_

_Doctor Sutton nodded slowly. "Yes, I suppose so." He put his glasses back on and scribbled down a few more notes on his notepad. I kind of wanted to see what he was writing, but was too afraid to ask. So I just twiddled my thumbs and looked around until he finished. "Please continue," he told me politely._

_I hummed softly and thought hard, chewing on my bottom lip. "Not much happened after that. I mean, I think Sawyer was turning two years old before anything really major happened. After that night I knew Dan was a bit...Off. He started getting into weird kinks. Liked me to cut him, or choke him. I mean, I looked it up and it wasn't really that abnormal. But soon it wasn't good enough. He needed more, and I wanted to provide that for him. I loved him. I just wanted him to be happy." I smiled weakly, envisioning the way Dan's eyes would light up as a grin spread across his face, showing that adorable dimple. What I wouldn't give to have that in front of me right now._

_Doctor Sutton nodded slowly. "So you did all this just so Dan was sexually satisfied?" He asked, a hint of skepticism in his voice. I shook my head. "No, God. I did it for him. It kept him happy, kept him calm. He was always so nervous and insecure, but after we did it, he was confident for weeks. He was so damn happy. How could I look the man I loved in the eyes and deny him happiness? It was all for him."_

\---

Dan was patting Sawyer's back as he fell asleep without a fuss, for once. He laid the two-year-old down in his crib, his eyes flickering over his small form for a minute before finally joining me at the door. He gave me a tired smile, looping his arms around my waist and kissing the side of my neck. "Let's go for a walk down the road a bit. I need some fresh air." I was already noticing the nervous twitching of his hands. He was going to need more than a walk, and I didn't know if I was really up for the activities he likely had in mind. I knew I would do it, but I might fall asleep halfway through. Sawyer had been a nightmare this past week.

"You really wanna leave him here alone?" I asked, nodding to the sleeping toddler as I shut the door. Dan shrugged and linked our fingers together. "It's just down the road. We'll lock everything up real tight, I don't suspect anyone's going to walk all the way out here just to break into our house. That's why we moved out to the country. Now come on, he's sound asleep." He pulled on my hand, leaning towards the front door. I glanced around the house, then gave in with a smile. "Alright. Just a couple of minutes though. I don't like leaving him alone."

Dan stopped, staring at me for a moment. He tilted his head to the right and smiled warmly. "You know, most people would see a single guy with a kid and run. But not you. You were more than happy to take this little guy on with me. You're incredible."

I laughed and shook my head. "I won't lie to you, I was terrified when you told me you were taking care of your baby brother."

Dan giggled and leaned his head on my shoulder as we walked out the front door, locking it securely behind us. "You were terrified of him? He's such a happy little boy! I mean, him having Down's makes it a little more work, but he rarely has bad days."

The air was crisp, but not too cold to walk. The stars shimmered beautifully and danced off of Dan's eyes while I told him about it all. "I didn't know that! I was properly in the dark about Down's Syndrome. I thought for sure he would be completely different from a normal baby, who are intimidating enough on their own. But you know what? The first time I met him, I was already in love. And then on top of being completely smitten with you, it all worked. I got two amazing boys in my life at once, and I never want to go back." I leaned down and kissed his nose, and he scrunched up his face with a smile.

"You're a dork, and I'm hopelessly in love with you." He whispered. We reached the end of the road, and I cupped his face in my hands, pressing our slightly cold lips together until they were warmed. "I love you too, Danny. Is your head cleared now? Ready to go back?" Dan nodded and hugged me around the waist briefly before turning back in the direction of our house.

We had taken maybe ten steps before a familiar voice stopped us. "Hey, it's the Lester's! How are you two doing?" David, the local wildman. He was part of a group of people who believed in abandoning the ways of society and living in the wilderness (they had to buy the land) and using what nature provided to take care of themselves. David and his wife Shelly were actually friends of ours from the city before they moved out to take up this lifestyle. They were the ones to tell us about the house for sale out here after the burglar incident a couple years prior. They lived about two miles back towards the mountains from us in teepees with a sort of tribe, which we had visited a few times so Sawyer could play with the other kids, and we could relax with friends. It sounds strange, but it's actually quite a nice way of living. Everyone taking care of each other, and the drama is minimal to none.

David cheated every now and again and hiked to our house just to spend a few hours with us to catch up. We made sure that everything electric was turned off whenever he visited and chatted by candle light if we needed to. Dan would even use the ancient water pump by the shed so he wouldn't have purified water. Just the way he liked it, apparently. Despite how strange he was, he was one of our closest friends, and we loved every second with him. Even now, Dan was lighting up as he rushed to greet the scraggly man. "Dave! Dear God, we haven't heard from you in a month! We thought maybe a bear had gotten the best of you." He threw his arms around him and swayed a bit in a hug. David laughed and patted his back. "A bear hasn't bested me in quite a long time, Daniel. I don't plan to ever let it happen again."

He walked forward and I shook hands with him firmly, looping my arm around Dan's waist as he came back to my side. "You're visiting pretty late. Want to come back to the house and grab a drink? We just got Sawyer down, so it's safe to enter." I chuckled. David grinned. "You're too kind to an old man. Sure, I'll join you. No one is expecting me back until sunrise anyway. I'm supposed to be checking the borders, but..." He shrugged as he trailed off. Dan grinned and took a step back towards the house. "We'll enable your laziness just this once."

We chatted a bit as we walked back, but David was mostly focused on the stars above us. We were used to this by now. The trees had been mostly cleared around our little piece of property, so the sky was in perfect view. Plus, with no light pollution, you could practically see every single one. It was a beautiful sight you'd simply have to be there to truly understand, and so bright you could walk easily down the road as if it were day time.

Once inside the house, Dan lit candles and brought them out to the porch. I propped open the front door and put a record on softly so we could have background noise without waking up Sawyer (Yes, it was technically electronic, but David gave me a wink and turned a blind eye to it). I also grabbed some Jack Daniels and glasses, not really in the mood for anything fancy. This suited everyone else just fine, and we sat on the steps and talked about life.

There had been another baby born in David's little tribe of a family. A girl named Emma, a name Dan simply adored. His whole family was doing great, and no one was sick or dying yet. They had been busy because someone had bought the piece of property next to them to build a large house, and they were trying to take trees from their land. It had been settled, but David was still uneasy about it. "They just come in with these huge machines that are pouring black smoke everywhere. They're going to get the children sick, and probably kill off half of the forest. I don't know what to do about it."

"Hopefully after the construction is done, you'll have nice quiet neighbors move in. People who live this far out in the country are usually wanted to keep to themselves, anyway. Phil and I can take over a pie or something when they move in and scope them out. Make sure they know about you guys." Dan offered, taking a little sip of his whiskey. David nodded gratefully. "That would be wonderful, thank you. I can always count on my little city slickers, can't I?" We all laughed at that, especially since I knew that he was mainly targeting that at me. I would be the first to admit that my heart truly did belong in the noisy bustling streets of London, but my love for my little family was stronger than that. I'd live anywhere if they were by my side.

"I'm going to get some leftovers to eat. You guys want anything?" I asked as I stood up and set my glass aside. I nearly forgot that Dan and I hadn't eaten anything since Sawyer was a screaming wreck around the time we had planned on cooking. But there was some pizza in the fridge that was still good, and my growling stomach wasn't picky. Dan and David were both enthusiastic about dinner, so I left them to talk while I went into the kitchen and opened the fridge.

Cooking without a light was interesting, but the soft glow from the gas stove was plenty for me to be able to throw the slices in the pan and warm them without incident. I did, however, nearly drop a plate. I was more concerned about waking the baby than I was the shards of glass that would have been scattered around in the dark of the kitchen. It took me much longer than I expected to try and coordinate myself with the food in the dark, and I could hear the conversation outside lull to a stop after about 5 minutes and become taken over by the music from the record. I tried to focus on not killing myself or the food for the next 10 or so minutes, squinting through the dark and trying to figure out whether or not smoke was rising from the pan. If the food was burned, then so be it. If they had problems with my mad reheating skills, they could leave.

I was stacking the pizza onto the plate when a hand fell onto my arm. I jumped, then breathed a sigh of relief as I saw it was only Dan. "Jesus, babe. Don't sneak up on me like that in the dark." I chuckled. I thought I heard him laugh softly, but I couldn't be sure. I could barely make out his features in the darkness of our house, but I heard something softly dripping onto the floor. "Did you need something?" I asked as I stacked the plates on my arms to carry outside.

"Just wanted to see if you needed help," Dan replied in a hushed tone. I nodded and held one of the plates out, my arm and the platter illuminated by the moon from a nearby window. "Carry this? careful, it might be a little hot. And maybe burned."

Dan's hands reached out and grabbed the edge of the plate. The moment the light hit them is when I noticed that his pale flesh was not shimmering in the light like I was used to it. No, his skin was coated in something that looked oddly black under the moon. A bit of reflection showed my eyes that it was truly a dark red. The same feeling I had all that time ago rushed back to me suddenly, making me drop the plat. It tumbled uselessly to the floor with a loud crash, sending white shards glittering into the darkness around us. The pizza laid uselessly on the ground.

Dan's hollow eyes were boring into mine. He lowered his hands out of the light, then laughed as if he didn't have a care in the world. "You're so clumsy." He chirped, walking over and turning on the light. It hurt my eyes for a moment, but they soon focused on the love of my life covered in blood. God, it was sickeningly familiar. I couldn't force myself to react, that's what scared me. I was numb to it. "Dan, sweetie, what did you do?" I asked in a tone stronger than I thought it would come out.

"David is dead." Dan replied simply, facing me with a little smile, "His blood was so warm and I just...It reminded me of how you would cut me while you were fucking me. I wanted you to feel it. Remember, baby? How you like play with my blood?" He closed the distance between us, attaching his lips roughly to the side of my neck. His hands were all over me, coating me in my best friend's blood. I stared at the ceiling, my eyes wide. Dan whimpered softly as he nosed my jaw. "Touch me, Phil. Please. I need you." He pressed up against my leg, his erection painfully obviously. I sucked in my breath, closing my eyes. Dan continued to press against me until I was backed up against the stove. My left hand hit the hot pan, burning it instantly. I pulled it away, but I didn't react otherwise. Dan kissed my jaw, then my mouth. "Baby..." he whined softly.

Out on the porch, my friend's blood was soaking into the wood. "I have to clean it up." I mumbled absently, looking towards the door. Dan pulled his mouth away, looking at me intently. "I'll help." He said quickly, grabbing a large knife from the drawer next to the stove and heading outside. I watched him go, then followed at a slow pace.

I found him kneeling over the body. It appeared that Dan had taken the thick whiskey bottle and beat David's face in, as his features were crushed and caved in, barely recognizable. It was strange how skin could stretch and split like a loaf of bread as it baked. There was a lot of blood pooling into the mangled dent that was his face and spilling over onto the wood. It had little chunks in it, and I couldn't tell if it was bone or brain matter. Either way, I it made me take a half step back. Dan looked up at me with innocent eyes as he lifted the knife and stabbed it directly into David's chest.

To my utter shock, David's body actually gave a jerk before settling again. His adam's apple twitched in his throat like he was trying to scream, but his broken face emitted no sound. _He was still fucking alive_. Dan pulled the knife down the entirety of his torso with a little bit of struggle. The blood seeped through his shirt and dripped over his sides. Dan pulled his chest cavity apart with a fierceness I've never witnessed before. He grinned at me, motioning for me to sit beside him. I don't know why I did what he wanted, but I was soon kneeling beside him, looking at the dark insides of my friend. I didn't know whether to throw up or cry, but I did neither.

"Feel," Dan whispered, putting his hands inside David's torso. He moved them around, and sick squishing sound filled the air. "It's still hot. Feel."

I did. I didn't look at my hands or the body, I kept my eyes on Dan. I couldn feel the hot, soft insides envelop my hands. I shook a little, but a huge grin spread across his face. He was happier than I had seen him...ever. It made me smile. Dan leaned into me and kissed me hard. I got lost in it, letting it be my escape from the hellish scene in front of me. Only then did I let a few tears slip from my eyes. I was terrified, but I loved him so much. I pushed him over, his head landing on David's exposed ribcage. His eyes were alight with excitement, and he started quickly unbuttoning my pants as I pulled my shirt off over my head.

He let me quickly disrobe him. All the details were pretty hazy, as I was half in shock from the experience. But Dan wanted me so bad. My mouth was all over his chest, licking away the blood that had been smeared there. Dan placed a bloody hand over his mouth, trying to muffle his moans so he wouldn't wake Sawyer, even though it was probably too late for that. I spread his legs and held up his hips with one hand, propping myself up with the other. I bit his hand until he removed it from his mouth, then pressed my mouth against his. The metallic taste of blood filled my mouth and throat, making it burn a little, but I didn't care.

I fucked Dan on top of a corpse.

\---

_Doctor Sutton removed his glasses again. He seemed to do that whenever I said something so outrageous he had a hard time believing it. I smiled shyly and shrugged. "You said you wanted the details, so. There you have it. That was the first one. There was a lot to clean up the next morning because we...made quite a mess with his organs. But, um, yeah. We painted the deck in the morning, then buried him in our backyard in the trees. That was the first of many graves. Sooo...We can go on to the next one, if you'd like." I folded my hands nicely and smlied at him._

_Doctor Sutton shook his head. "I...No, that's enough for today. I will see you next session, Mr. Lester. Thank you for your cooperation."_   


	3. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the whole thing is one giant warning but hey i can try and cover; murder, murderkink, insane/insanity, death, drinking, cannibalism, rape, blood, guts, general horror.

_Same room as before. Same seating. Same fake formalities while I genuinely smiled._

_"I was informed that you had a bit of an episode today," Dr. Sutton said casually as he flipped through his notes, "Well, I certainly wouldn't consider it one. But you started crying? Can you tell me about that?"_

_My cheeks heated up. "Oh, that...That was nothing. I just...I had dropped some of the laundry I was carrying, and one of the staff helped me pick it up. She was very nice and, I don't know, so genuinely happy to help me. I cried, but it was happy tears. One of the other staff thought I was going to start stabbing the lady or something, so they detained me. I was just so happy to experience genuine kindness. It just hasn't happened in a while."_

_Dr. Sutton smiled, and it was genuine. "I don't think you're capable of killing on your own, Philip. I'll inform the staff. As long as Mr. Howell is out of the picture, you should be nothing but pleasant."_

_That caused me to falter a little. I looked down at my hands, my smile fading._

_"Touchy subject, that Daniel." The doctor shuffled his papers, then sat ready to listen, pen in hand and blank paper in front of him. "It seems you're more than willing to gush about him from the past, but when we bring up his current state..."_

_I quickly wiped a tear from my eye, forcing myself to chuckle. "Yeah, it's touchy. Very touchy. I just miss him, that's all." I looked up at the man across from me, "Does that make me a bad person? For loving him still?"_

_Sitting twirled his pen thoughtfully. "Bad? No. Maybe just...A bit confused. But you seemed to latch yourself on to Daniel very quickly. Or, from what I've heard. Would you mind telling me how you two met?"_

_The subject changing instantly lifted my mood. It was my favorite story. "I would be glad. Maybe then you can know Dan before...All this. You can see why I love him."_

_Dr. Sutton got out his notes, waiting for me patiently to start._

_"The first time we met was at a bar, as I recall. He was there with my friend PJ. I didn't pay him any mind, though, because I was taken at that point by a guy I only agreed to date because I was lonely. Sounds awful now, reflecting, but that's what it was. I didn't want to be seen all by myself anymore. I felt like I only fit in when I had someone to fit with. But I had to admit, I loved the way Dan smiled at me. That's my only first impression. His smile was contagious. Which was great, because I loved to smile. Unfortunately, there wasn't that instant connection everyone talks about. There were no sparks. No secret make outs in the bar bathroom. I was just comfortable around him, and we left like that."_

_To that, Dr. Sutton smiled a little bit, scribbling down his notes. I liked that he was the first person to show the mention of Dan a positive emotion since I got here. I missed people smiling when I mentioned I had a boyfriend, and how happy he made me. I missed normalcy._

_"It wasn't until a couple months later he even started to show up in my life more and more. I broke up with that man, and I was back to being single and feeling more alone than ever. I really turned to PJ in this time, because he was in himself a ray of sunshine. he wouldn't let me keep my downcast mood. Along with PJ, sometimes, came Dan. When he could he, would go out with us, or come over while we watched movies. I guess I started to drift towards him, but I couldn't tell. PJ sat back and let the magic happen between us, and soon enough I was asking Dan on a date." I paused, a small frown forming on my lips. "Looking back, I could kind of tell Dan was...off already. He was strangely quiet, but smiled a lot at me. He would make comments about things in this soft voice that was eerie, yet alluring. I could tell he was a nervous wreck about 99% of the time, always fidgeting and glancing around like he was afraid someone was going to get him."_

_"Paranoid schizophrenic?" Dr. Sutton asked._

_I shrugged. "I had just assumed it was because of his parents. They were murdered in their own home just after Dan had moved away to go to university. That left tiny baby Sawyer, who had Down Syndrome, in Dan's care. If he had been completely normal after that, I would have questioned that the most. "_

_There was a lengthy pause. "You do realize that murderer was found?" He asked me, his voice calm, but his eyes a little surprised. I looked up sharply._

_"No, who was it?"_

_As if the look on his face didn't spell it out before he even opened his mouth. I leaned back in my chair, staring in shock at the table as the doctor spoke._

_"Daniel was found guilty of his parent's murder. In light of...everything that has happened recently, the case was reopened and reevaluated. Forensic evidence was looked at more closely...The shoe impression left outside his parent's window matched with a  pair of shoes later found in Dan's things at your house. We aren't sure, but we believe it's safe to assume that Dan's murdering career had started with his parents." Dr. Sutton set his notes on the table, studying me closely. "I know that's a lot to put on you at once, but can you tell me how that makes you feel? Give us any insight as to why he would want to hurt his parents?"_

_I opened my mouth to speak, but it went dry. I couldn't even fathom it, he was a wreck when he told me about his parents murder. The emotion was so genuine...But was he scared because he was the one who did it? Was he overly paranoid because he thought someone was going to find him out?_

_Then I thought of Sawyer. How each time we got ourselves into a situation, he would scream that he couldn't leave his baby brother behind. I swallowed thickly, looking Dr. Sutton in the eyes. "Did they tell you what Dan's last words were?" I asked softly._ _Dr. Sutton shook his head, waiting for me to continue. I could hardly force them out, thinking of the night we got caught. "He said, '_ If I go now, Sawyer will have no one _'. He was always was protecting that kid from the harsh reality of what we had done, even up until the last second. I...I would suppose he killed his parents because he thought they weren't treating his brother right. I'm not sure, though. I love Dan, and I was very close to him, but he was always a bit of a mystery to me, honestly. Seems like when I found out one thing, there was always another secret." I smiled weakly, shrugging._

_Dr. Sutton jotted this down. He sighed, looking up at me over the rim of his glasses. "Philip, you're something of a mystery yourself. You've very graciously given me so much information in our brief time together, and for that I'm grateful. But if you want this to come to any sort of conclusion, I need you to swear that you will not hold anything back. Remember, this is not about you confessing to murders, this is us working to understand you better. To help you."_

_"I understand." I said softly. "I won't keep anything from you. I have nothing to lose."_

_Dr. Sutton smiled kindly at me. "I believe you. With that aside, would you like to continue your story?"_

_I nodded, clearing my throat. "I know the start seemed a little strange, but believe me, it only get stranger."_

_\----_

We went about our life like normal. I could see the change in Dan instantly, watching him happy and full of life. Honestly, I had never seen him like that until he had killed David. I was almost grateful that he had done away with our friend, because I got this new, wonderful Dan that I fell even more in love with. 

But as the days went by, the fear came back. He would jump at his own damn shadow at times, and it pained me to see him like that. I would talk to him about it, asking him what would make it better for him, but he refused to tell me.

Our sex life stayed about the same. Same kinks and weirdness that I was actually starting to enjoy. But every time I saw him twisting beneath me, little streams of blood on his skin, I would think back to that night we fucked on the corpse. The moonlight bathing us on the porch. Dan grasping around, covered in the remains of our friend. The blood was coating my arms and soaking my clothes, and I could feel it drying on my face. Every time I moved, the motion would transfer through Dan and cause the corpse to move as well. 

And I liked it.

Fuck, I liked it a lot.

Dan was so...Alive. I was so in love with him. And...I liked seeing him covered in another person's blood. I liked knowing he was strong enough to take the life from another human. I couldn't make it make a lot of sense even in my own mind, but I knew I liked it a lot. After that, whenever we did our normal fucking, I would just picture that night. I actually looked back on it, fantasized about it.

Once I had come to that conclusion, that I was enjoying what he was bringing to me, I confronted Dan about it.

He was sitting on the couch in our living room, watching Sawyer play noisily with some toys. His hands were shaking just barely enough to be noticed, and he had a little twitch that caused his head to pull to the side every now and again. But, this was normal Dan for me. I didn't know that it wasn't actually that normal to get to that point, but I didn't want to make him feel like he was abnormal. So I never mentioned it to him. 

But I wanted to mention the murder. I sat on the couch next to him, letting him lean into me. I put my arm around him, kissing his slightly moving head. "Hey." I said softly.

"Hi," he whispered back, nearly drowned out by a loud shriek from Sawyer, who was knocking over block towers with a stuffed rabbit. I smiled briefly at the small child, then looked back to Dan.

"I was thinking today about David."

Dan looked up at me, blinking once. He was distracted enough that his shaking stopped completely. "Why?" Was all he asked. 

I frowned, unable to actually think of a way to bring this up now. He was watching me, studying me like a predator. I opened my mouth, then let it close again. "I..." 

He smiled softly, leaning in and kissing my cheek. "Okay, I understand." He said in a warm, velvety tone that I hadn't heard since that night on the porch. "We need a night out, don't you think so? Hey, why don't you call up your mum and see if she wants to watch Sawyer for tonight? We haven't been out in _ages_!" He was standing up, walking to Sawyer's room. "I'll pack and overnight bag for him, you ring your mum."

There was the confidence I so adored. That dark smile that took my breath away. I was on my feet, absolutely at his command. I called my mum, and she of course was more than happy to watch Sawyer. She loved him almost as much as I did. She was quick to accept Dan and I dating, and had already made him and Sawyer official members of our family before I even asked Dan to marry me. She was such a good woman. 

With the babysitter in place, Dan rushed us out the door. He was bouncing and bubbly, holding Sawyer on his hip as he danced and hummed a song on the way to the car. I watched him, smiling distantly. If I just didn't think about the fact that we had walked over the very spot where my best friend had died at my lover's hands, then I could envision this as a normal. Dan was normal. I was normal. Sawyer had two very normal parents. 

We got loaded in the car, and we were taking off for the city, where my mother lived. Dan had the music turned up on the radio, and was singing along with Sawyer. The poor kid didn't even know this was so unlike his big brother, he was just having the time of his life. It nearly brought me to tears how much I loved to see this. I knew whatever Dan was planning, I would obey. I just wanted him to be this happy forever.

Sawyer was shrieking happily as he was left with my mum, the both of us waving from the porch as we pulled away. 

Now that we were alone, the radio turned back down, I looked at Dan. He was watching as far as he could, waving at Sawyer until we rounded the corner on the street. He then sighed, sitting back in his seat and meeting my gaze.

"I have a plan." He said with a small smile.

"Tell me." I replied.

"You have to trust me."

"I do."

"Drop me off at a bar, then go to the edge of the city. Park somewhere that has no surveillance cameras. Text me where you are, and then wait. Maybe call PJ or something and make it look like you're just pulled over to talk." As he was laying out the plan for me, his hand was trailing slowly from my knee up my thigh. I tried not to show how much his touch was weakening me. "It might take a while, but like I said, trust me. Okay?" He smiled at me, leaning in and kissing my jaw.

I trusted him more than I had ever trusted anyone. I did as he said, driving him to a bar near-ish to the outskirts of the city. He waved at me before turning and walking inside, and I drove around until I found the last neighborhood on the edge of the city. I parked in front of a house that was marked "For Sale" by a sign in the front lawn. There was another house across the street from it, but the windows were dark. Nothing stirred around it. The two houses were set a bit apart from the rest, and bordered an open field with a large road on the other side of it. This was about as remote as one could get in the city. I texted Dan my location, then sat back.

It took me a few minutes of sitting in silence before I realized that I should be calling PJ to make it less of a scene, not that anyone was really watching. It would at least pass the time.

He picked up on the second ring. "Weeeeell, if it isn't lover boy!" He crooned, and I could practically hear the smile in his voice. "How's married life, Mr. Lester?"

I chuckled, the slight anxiety melting just from hearing his voice. "Hey there PJ. It's going alright, he's just left me in the parking lot while he shops, so I was just calling to see if you would pity me and have a chat."

"There is nothing I'd rather do this Friday night," there was some shuffling and a little grunt from PJ as he got comfortable. "So shoot. Fill me in on what's been happening out in the fucking sticks. How's David, is he still pretending to be an indian?"

I slapped my forehead. "Oh Peej that is so horrible to say it like that-"

"You know it's true! I don't know what the hell he's thinking. But, man, if he's happy, I don't give a shit. So, is he happy?"

Well, he's dead. Is that happiness? Sometimes I wondered. "He's great. Worried about someone building a big fancy house next to "his land" but you know. Someone in his little group had a baby recently. That's about all we heard last we talked to him. He only stayed a couple of hours before-" Before Dan fucking beat his face completely inward with a bottle of whiskey. "-Before he had to leave and do his little one man patrol."

PJ made a soft humming sound. "Sounds about right. He's so strange, but I miss him. And I miss you too, man! You never come around!" he whined, and I laughed. "When the hell are we going to hang out?"

"As soon as Sawyer stops his terrible two's." I sighed, leaning my head back against the car seat. "I love that kid like my own, but dammit I wish he stayed a happy little baby forever. Ever since he figured out walking, he's left a path of destruction behind him. If you want to take a little drive out to the mountains and keep me sane, you're more than welcome."

PJ giggled. "Isn't Dan keeping you sane?" his tone turned more suggestive, "Or is he driving you wild?"

I snorted and shook my head. "Oh my god. None of your business. He's great company though, especially now that he's out of the city where...Y'know, his parents."

"Yeah." PJ said softly.

"He's just a lot more secure being away from people. It's a crazy difference, you wouldn't even recognize him, Peej. I mean, I loved him even when he was all shy and reserved. But this is like...wow."

"Awww. You're so cute when you're smitten, Philly."

"Shut up."

"Seriously! You two are my favorite! And I can't help but feel like you both should be thanking me. After all, would you have found each other if it wasn't for me?" He paused, "Actually probably not, cos Dan never left his house unless I dragged him out the door."

I got a text, and I looked at my screen as I still spoke to PJ. "That's probably true." I admitted to the other man, my eyes quickly scanning over the text.

_From: Dan  
Roll down your window all the way. xoxo_

I did as instructed, putting the phone back to my ear. "We do owe you a lot, Peej."

"Nah, nah. I was just kidding with you. But really though, we're going to hang out, alright? Just like old times. I can even call up Chris and we can hit that one strip club where the girls where candy thongs. Remember that?"

"I remember being horrendously uncomfortable because I was the only gay guy there."

"Chris half counts."

"Half, he still liked the show though. I just," I shuddered, "I like dick, okay?"

PJ burst into laughter. "Alright, alright! We'll go to a gay strip club then!"

"Not with my husband we won't, jesus Peej!" We were both laughing hard now. I was about to keep harping on him when I saw movement coming down the street. I almost got ready to move my vehicle, remembering that Dan didn't want us to be near anyone. But then I heard a loud laugh, from one of the two figures, recognizing it instantly. Dan.

"Alright alright," I said, still smiling. "We will hang out soon, alright? Just no strip clubs. Dan's coming back now, and we're going to head home. So I'll give you a ring next time we're open. Sound good?"

"Sounds great, Philly." PJ said, the grin still evident in his voice. "Have fun with the hubby. I'll catch you around."

"Bye Peej." I said cheerfully, hanging up and putting my phone away just as the figures were approaching. I could make out Dan now, with a attractive dark haired girl in tow. He made a show of pointing down the street, then did a double take at our car. He was such a good actor, he nearly had me fooled. 

"Phil?" He called, a slight slur to his voice. "Is that you? Holy shit?"

I didn't know what to do, I was a horrendous actor. I just gave him a little smile, waving a bit from in the car. He jogged up to the driver side, leaning in from the sidewalk. "How have you been? What has it been, like, two years?" The girl came up beside him, peering curiously inside. It was obvious she wasn't sober, staring at me with such stupidity and haze I almost pitied her.

"Um, yeah, about." I said quietly, glancing between Dan and the girl. Dan grinned, stepping back and nudging the girl forward. "Meet my friend Phil!" He said cheerfully.

The girl took her turn, leaning in to the window and smiling at me. "Heyyyy," she drew out the end just a little too long, "I'm A-"

Her head jerked back suddenly, and then came down against the edge of the car with a sick _crack_. Little droplets of blood flew from her mouth and onto my face, and I saw her eyes roll back into her head just before she crumpled to the floor, revealing Dan standing a bit behind her, catching her as she fell. He looked at the girl with disgust, quickly opening the back door to the car. He grabbed one of the floor mats and laid it on the seat before shoving the girl inside, making sure the mat caught any blood leaking form her mouth or the new cut on her forehead, which was swelling up. 

I watched this all from the rear view mirror, my hands gripping the steering wheel tightly. Fear was gripping me with such intensity I almost threw open my car door and ran. But then Dan looked up from the body, smiling sweetly at me. I could feel the fear practically fleeting from me as I saw his smile. I remembered why I was here, who I was doing this for. Dan was happy, so I knew I could be too. He fit the girl inside, then went to the trunk. I popped it open for him, watching as he came back with zip ties. 

"How long were those back there?" I asked, turning a bit in my seat to watch him tie them around the girl's ankles and wrists. 

He paused, looking up at me. "Of all the things you could ask me, Phil Lester, you ask that?" He laughed, shaking his head. "My god, I love you so much." He closed the back door, the girl safely inside, then walked around and got in the passenger side. He sat down and buckled up, looking at me and smiling. "Ready when you are." 

"Where are we going?"

"Home."

\----

_"I know you've answered this before, but run it past me one more time." Dr. Sutton interrupted me, setting down his notes and folding his hands on the table. "Why were you going along with this?"_

_I paused, thinking hard. "It...It made him happy."_

_"And what about you?"_

_"I was happy that he was happy."_

_"Are you sure there wasn't anything more?"_

_I paused, frowning. "I didn't want to hurt those people. I...I never dealt the finishing blow. That was always Dan. I just...I just wanted him to be happy. "_

_Dr. Sutton nodded slowly. "So, essentially, you put Dan's happiness before your own." I nodded in agreement. "And you didn't think about the toll it was taking on other lives? Or you simply didn't care?"_

_I paused, thinking hard on that. What did I do? How did I cope? "I...Don't know. I just wanted to please him. I mean, I understood it was human lives he was taking, and that I was enabling it. But I didn't...really...think about it...? I did I guess I just...I don't know. Whatever he wanted, I would go along with it. I didn't think it was right. It hurt me a lot. But my feelings on it didn't matter."_

_The reality of how fucked up it all sounded really hit me then. I clamped my mouth shut, staring at the table in disbelief._

_Dr. Sutton's words hit me like a punch in the gut. "That's a very abusive relationship. You know this, right?"_

_"Right." I whispered._

_He sighed, shuffling some papers. "This is starting to make a little more sense. Please continue with your story if you're ready, Philip."_

_\----_

We tied her to a post out in the shed. I didn't know what all Dan had planned, but he told me to wait there and watch her. The girl was still unconscious, her dark brown hair hanging in her face as her head hung limply down. She was in a kneeling position, her hands and feet zip tied behind the post and a large blue tarp under her. I studied her, kneeling just at the edge of the tarp. This girl had a life, a family, friends...She probably had a future before Dan got his hands on her. I didn't know how to feel about it, honestly. I felt bad in a way, but when I saw how vivid Dan was, I decided to repress the guilt. 

I heard a rattling sound coming from behind me. I looked over my shoulder, smiling when I saw Dan approaching the open shed door. He had a dark dust-covered dufflebag slung over his shoulder, giving a small smile in return as he set it down on the ground. 

"Are you up for something different tonight?" He asked with a grin that gave me the brief impression I was staring into the face of the devil himself. But holy shit, I would abandon God himself for that face. I nodded, shifting a bit to face him. "What did you have in mind?"

He looked down at me, his eyes dark in the gloom of the shed. "Wake her up."

I nodded meekly, turning back to the girl. I reached forward, grabbing her shoulder and shaking it. "Hey, wake up." I said in a hushed tone to her. She groaned a little, her head moving to the side a bit. From behind me, Dan chuckled. 

"Oh Phil. I love you so much. But you're going to have to be more forcible." He came up behind me, reaching around me and slapping the girl hard across her face. She gave a small scream, jumping to attention and looking at the two of us with wide, confused eyes.

"W-What are you doing-? Who...?" She looked at Dan, then me, realization washing over her features, followed quickly by fear. "Oh my God, please don't hurt me! Please let me go! I swear to God I won't tell anyone!" She was blubbering, tears cascading down her cheeks, causing her makeup to run and her dark hair to stick to her cheeks. I felt a twinge of pity for her. 

"I hate it when they beg." Dan's voice took on a deeper, darker tone. I hadn't heard him use that voice before, but it was sending shivers through my entire body. He was kneeling behind me again, pulling the dufflebag closer. I could feel his breath on the back of my neck as he spoke. "Take off your clothes." He started searching through the bag after he commanded me. Guess he was calling the shots tonight, which was more than fine by me.

I gave the girl a once over, suddenly getting a bit self conscious. "Can I...blindfold her?" I asked Dan, looking into her eyes as she started to whimper and plead again. 

Dan barked out a laugh. "Oh! Sure, here." He handed me a small scrap of fabric, and I took it and leaned in to tie it around her eyes. "You're mine anyway, I don't want some whore getting the privilege of seeing you naked."

"All yours." I murmured in agreement. Once the fabric was tight around her eyes, I began to unbutton my shirt and pants, the electricity of the moment finally catching up to me and setting my nerves on fire. I let the slightly chilled air roll over my skin, giving me goosebumps. I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling I could feel Dan kneeling behind me again, his arms snaking around me. In one of his hands he held a rather large knife, and he placed it in my hand. 

"Cut her." He whispered in my ear, his breathing getting heavier. His now-free hands raced down my torso and grabbed on to my cock in one of his hands. I gasped softly, leaning forward with the knife poised awkwardly in my hands. I didn't know what to do, what he wanted, so I just dug the knife forward without much thought.

The sharp metal hit her skin, bouncing off for a second because I didn't put enough force into it. Dan made a soft growling noise. The risk of displeasing him and having him remove his hands because of it fueled me on, and I gave the knife a proper shove, cutting into her thigh. 

I watched the skin split, blood immediately flowing from it and spilling down her pale skin. It occurred to me then that humans were nothing more than sacks of meat tightly packed and held together only by a thin layer of skin. Her leg had burst open something like a balloon, and all the meat inside was exposed perfectly for me to see, the string of muscle properly snapped. It was dark, and reminded me briefly of David's insides as we smeared them on the porch.

She was screaming, but I didn't notice. Dan's voice whispering huskily in my ear was all I could focus on. "That's it, baby. Rip her open. Hear her screaming? That's how strong you are. Fuck, you're so strong. So hot." He was practically babbling into my ear, words slurring together as he pumped my cock faster and faster, his own erection pressing obviously into my back. I couldn't help it, I started moaning, my hands shaking as I blindly stabbed into the same leg again. 

The blood was dripping off her, pooling onto the tarp beneath her. Dan gently moved me forward, releasing my cock despite my whines of protest. He laughed softly, trailing a hand down my back. "Shhh. It's okay." He whispered, his hand stopping at my ass and squeezing it. "Keep doing what you're doing, and I'll reward you more and more each time." He laid out the rules, and I was more than ready to play his game.

"I'll do it," I turned my focus back to the sobbing woman in front of me. I looked at her clean thigh, inspecting it. The other cuts had been made randomly, but I wanted this one to be personal. I wanted Dan to know I would do all of this for him. I held up the knife, then plunged it deep into her thigh. Sickeningly enough, I could feel the top of the blade stop and scrap as it high the bone. She, of course, would not stop screaming. I was hoping the blood loss would be enough to take her out soon enough, but her wounds were mostly just oozing. I twisted the knife, ripping up the flesh inside and causing the skin on top to split and turn in a way that almost hurt me to watch.

That's when I felt a finger push inside of me rapidly, followed by a second faster than I could register. I fell forward a bit, catching myself with one hand on the tarp in the blood. I cried out, biting my lip so hard I thought it would bleed. "Dan-!"

He didn't let up, and I didn't want him to. I was on my hands and knees in front of this girl, moaning like a slut while my husband fingered me. Through the few tears forming in my eyes as Dan added a third finger, I remembered what he had said. The more I did, the more I would be rewarded. I knew he was getting impatient and probably just wanted to fuck me, and I had to admit I was on the same boat. 

His fingers curled inside of me, and with a cry of pleasure, I slashed the knife again. This time, I cut from her ribs all the way across to her arm. The skin was cut as neatly as the thin fabric of her shirt, the blood leaking out and staining it quickly. Dan groaned from behind me, moving his fingers in and out of me faster, spreading them and moving them around to stretch me. 

"G-God, Dan, please-!" I begged shamelessly, hanging my head and staring through blurry vision at the bloody mess beneath me. Pleasure raked through my body, causing me to shudder. Dan was breathing hard, gripping me tighter than I ever thought he could. I would definitely be bruised tomorrow. 

"Earn it." He growled, and the tone of voice alone was nearly enough to make me cum. Dammit, I would earn it. I lifted the knife once more, then lost control. I stabbed her more times than I could count in the stomach and chest. One wound started to squirt blood, spraying me in the face with hot droplets. I licked my lips, letting out a soft, satisfied sound as the metallic tang danced around my mouth. I looked back at Dan, who was going about slipping on a condom in the dark. He took one look at my blood soaked face, his mouth dropping open slightly as he stared. I loved the way he looked at me, the way his features filled with lust. He moved more quickly now, positioning himself behind me. I turned my head back around, staring up at the girl whose body was a red waterfall. It was kind of beautiful, her head lolling to the side and her pink lips twitching as she tried to get the energy to cry. But her life was draining from her with each drop of blood. 

I didn't have much time to gaze at her, as I felt Dan's hand push me down into the bloody tarp between my shoulder blades, my ass still in the air. He held me there roughly, and I felt the sticky blood pressing into my cheek and the corner of my mouth. Dan was inside me, making quick work of sliding in with the lube and condom. I gasped as he moved, grasping the bloody knife in my hand until my knuckles turned white. I moaned uselessly, just trying to relax and let it all happen. My body ached for him, wanting him to just hurry the fuck up and start moving.

Though he was inside me quickly, he was tortuously slow in moving out, and then pushing back inside of me. I knew he was doing it on purpose. I knew what he wanted.

His hand left my back, grabbing the back of my hair and roughly pulling my head up. I used to hands to hold myself up, looking at the woman who, amazingly, still had some breath in her, though I believed she had lost consciousness and would not wake again. Lucky her. 

"You know what to do." He said, giving me another teasing thrust. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment, holding on to the incredible feeling it gave me, then opened them with a new determination. I landed the first blow on her face, her cheek opening completely to the point where I could see her teeth beneath the shredded tissues. Dan grabbed my hips, holding them still while he finally picked up to a normal pace. I choked out a moan, trying to keep myself steady despite how good it felt, and how much I wanted him to just forget the girl and fuck me into the ground. I didn't even care where the knife landed, just so long as it was making contact with her. Blood. Tearing. Squirming. I was turning her into a human pushpin.

Amidst the moaning and Dan fucking me so hard I could barely keep myself up, I noticed that the girl was about to die. I don't know what exactly told me that, because I couldn't really see straight enough to be sure, but I kind of felt it. I knew she was leaving. I pulled away from Dan suddenly, moving up to the girl and putting my hands on her shredded thighs. I heard Dan make a sound of frustration behind me, moving up behind me and pressing back inside of me. 

"S-she's almost dead.." I breathed, my words cut off my a sharp moan as Dan grazed my prostate. His arms slithered around me, his breathing hot and heaving against the back of my neck. One of his hands came around and grabbed my sensitive cock, stroking it slowly, making me weak in the knees. "Finish her, baby. Finish her for me." 

I lifted the knife and pointed it at her chest, resting it against her skin. Despite the fact that I had practically already killed this girl, stabbing her enough to drain her of her blood, I felt hesitancy. I didn't really want to kill her, I guess. Even though she was practically there, the heart beating in her chest threw me off. 

Dan sensed my paused, making a soft noise as he reached around and grabbed my hand.

He slammed into me, hitting my prostate directly, causing me to finally be pushed over the edge and cum into his hand, splattering the girl a bit. 

His hand forced the knife in my hand directly into her chest, the last few drops of blood she had falling down her breasts and soaking the collar of her shirt. 

Dan finished too, a loud gasp escaping his mouth as he did so. 

He pulled out, sitting back, and I collapsed against him. He wrapped his arms around me, kissing the side of my face and neck. I closed my eyes, letting him calm me down after this rather straining ordeal. His hands rubbed my arms, then squeezed me tightly. "You're incredible." He murmured, a the smile evident in his voice, making a small grin dance on my lips. "I'm serious. Look at you, look what you're capable of. You could do anything you wanted." He looked at the mutilated corpse in front of us, resting his chin on my shoulder. "You're powerful."

And I did feel powerful. I had an adrenaline rush that wasn't edging away, and it wasn't just from the sex. It was this deep electricity coursing through my veins having made the decision to end a life, something that once seemed so permanent to me. I made it go away.

I looked at her too, torn between screaming in triumph and crying at how far I had fallen. What was I becoming?

\----

_"And so, that was my first murder." I finished, smiling a little. "I could tell you how we took care of the body, but it was about the same as the last. Except this time we burned her bones before burying them. Poor girl, wasn't much meat to salvage off of her given that I kind of ruined most of it." I laughed, leaning back in my chair and looking across at Dr. Sutton. "I would apologize for the...detail, and the gruesome events that happened...But I'm damned as it is. Why try and change that?"_

_Dr. Sutton actually smiled a little, but I knew it was at me as a person rather than my comments. He actually looked like he felt rather sick. "Thank you Philip. Thank will be all for today." He shuffled the notes he had been taking all the while I talked, then looked up at me. "I also have some news. Keep up this good work in telling me everything, and I got permission for you to visit Daniel. Under surveillance while you're cuffed, but you will be allowed one full hour if I deem you cooperative enough. So, the faster you get through your story, the faster I can get you there. Sound fair?"_

_I had tears in my eyes as I leaned forward. "Yes! God, yes, anything to.." I trailed off, my lip quivering. I looked at my lap, letting the tears drip from my eyes freely. But I was smiling._

_Dr. Sutton stood up, his chair scrapping on the tile floor. He walked over to me, putting a hand on my shoulder as he kneeled down to come eye to eye with me. "We will get you through this. I still believe you are a good man, just...Circumstances fucked you up." I blinked at his swearing, and he gave me a soft smile. "You're going to be alright. I will make sure of it."_

_I smiled at him, resting my hand on his. "Thank you. I want to get better. I don't know if I deserve it or not, but I want to be happy again."_

_"You deserve it, Philip. Everyone deserves happiness."_

_I nodded a little, saying, "Of course." But questioned it in my heart._


	4. Chapter Three

_It was that time again. Time to visit my only friend in this whole damned place, Dr. Sutton. It was kind of sad considering he wasn't really a "friend", just a man there trying to reverse whatever Dan had done to me. Or what I had done to myself._

_I sat in my little square room, staring at the square desk and square window across the room from me. My bed was squared. My pillows were squares. The lights above me were squares. That's basically all I had to do all day, notice how many squares were around me._

_Oh, the tile floor was comprised of squares too. Fuck squares._

_I looked at my arms and hands, willing them to just follow suit and turn into squares. I was starting to stare at the little lines in my skin, squinting to see whether they were actually squares or not when my door opened, and a nurse stepped inside._

_"Mr. Lester, it's time for your session." She said cheerfully. But the way she talked to me was condescending, almost like I was one of the people who sat in the corner and drooled while staring blankly at a wall, brain completely scrambled. But I could still think and feel. Why did people treat me like I was crazy?_

_...Was I crazy?_

_I didn't really care, I didn't say anything to her as I stood up._

_It had been a full week since I last saw Dr. Sutton, and I was starting to become cold and calloused to this place. I didn't know whether or not I belonged here, but I didn't want to be treated like I did. I just wanted to be deemed stable and go home where I could spend the rest of my days in happy isolation._

_Regardless, I stood up and followed the nurse quietly to the "therapy room". Or at least, that's what the other patients called it. I don't really know if it was therapy for me, because he hadn't even given me any coping mechanisms to try, just told me how fucked up my life was. Like I didn't already know that. At least he had convinced them to stop handcuffing me everywhere I went._

_I was lead into the room, but Dr. Sutton wasn't there yet. I was told to sit and wait. The nurse added cheerfully that she would grab me some coffee if I wanted, but I declined. I just wanted to get this over with. Thinking back on Dan was becoming as painful as thinking of what he was now. Everything involving him hurt, and I just wanted the pain to end._

_The clock ticked by. One minute. Five minutes. Ten._

_Still no sign of the doctor. I glanced around, making sure that I was generally alone, then stood up and started to wander the room._

_There wasn't much inside, probably for the safety of everyone who came into the room. A table in the center where I sat at one end, and Dr. Sutton on the other. A tinted mirror that took up the entirety of one side of the wall, which no doubt was a two way mirror. The room was probably bugged as well so anyone could have a grand old time listening to me and my stories. I looked at the mirror, squinting at it to try and see through, but to no avail. I turned from it, walking over to the far corner of the room where a bookcase stood. I would have reached in and took out a few to inspect further, but there was strong glass locked across it, keeping the books out of my reach. I sighed and turned back around, facing the table where I was meant to be being psychoanalyzed._

_I heard footsteps coming down the hallway and quickly took my seat again, watching the door as it was opened, and Dr. Sutton finally stepped inside._

_"So sorry about the wait, Philip!" he said as he crossed the room, clipboard in hand, of course. I smiled pleasantly at him, shaking my head. "It's no problem. Got held up in traffic?"_

_The doctor smiled and shook his head. "Got held up chewing out one of the nurses."_

_I blinked in surprise. "Everything alright?"_

_He nodded, setting up his papers and pens as he spoke. "Half of the staff tried to come in with a signed petition, asking for you to be kept in a straight jacket at all times, treating you like the patients that are a threat to either themselves or others. Which you are not." His mouth was set in a tight line. "I have grown rather defensive of you as my patient. I feel sorry for you, and I don't mean that in a degrading way. You have just been thrust into unfortunate circumstances and it's not fair to treat you like you aren't still a person who's conscious of their own being. That can't be said for almost everyone else that I deal with. You are no threat. I would trust you to hold a knife to my throat."_

_He ended his little rant, adjusting his glasses while I smiled at him a bit from across the table. "Sorry, that was unprofessional. But again, you are an extremely aware patient and I feel as though I can talk to you like any other person. Because I can. You're mentally and physically stable as far as I can tell." He returned my smile briefly, adding in as teasing of a tone as he was capable of. "Unless there's something you haven't told me?"_

_"Not really." I shook my head. "Just haven't told you about the rest of the murders. But they're mostly the same...Mostly. There were a few that fell out of line. Few times we almost got caught. Other than that, my mentality through the most of it was just the same. I only wanted one thing."_

_"To make Daniel happy." Dr. Sutton finished for me._

_I nodded, leaning back in my chair, ready to just launch straight into the story. "Of course, after all was said and done, keeping him happy and relatively sane became my only motivation for anything. I had the power to make the one I loved as happy as possible. It may seem a petty thing to become a serial killer over, but to me, it was all worth it. Even if it was...abusive. Even if it was wrong. I let Dan take my morals and crush them."_

_\---_

We were okay for a long time after the girl from the bar. And I mean a long, long time. A couple months and Dan was radiating confidence like I had never seen. He was in charge, taking care of Sawyer while I was away at work, doing the housework, and even starting a goddamn garden, which he planted right over where the bodies were buried. 

I had a hard time keeping up with him myself sometimes, but it was incredible. I was absolutely in awe of the man he had become. I think it was because I actually shared in it with him that time around. I mean, the first murder we got sexually intimate with, I had no part in it. But the girl, I practically killed her. I cut her up and she nearly bled out. Before Dan took the knife and killed her. Or forced my hand to kill her. I didn't know, I wasn't charged with that murder. I wasn't charged with any of them. I didn't technically kill anyone. Just...aided.

A few days before our third murder together, Dan was in the kitchen, saying the ABC's to Sawyer, who repeated them with great enthusiasm. I was on the phone with my boss, going over some sheets and statistics I hadn't payed close enough attention to. I fucked up the summaries on some accounts, and I was getting an earful for it.

The ABC singing stopped, but I didn't notice. I was too busy getting screamed at from the other end. In reality, it was just a little typo, a slip they called it. But bosses had to be perfectionists, strive for the best, and I fell just short that day. 

"Get it fucking straightened out!" was the last thing my boss snapped at me before hanging up. I heaved a sigh, finally putting my cellphone down and dropping the sheets on the coffee table. I could fix it in under a minute with some whiteout and a pen, but apparently, it was worth a 20 minute scream session and a bleeding ear.

As soon as the phone was down, I felt two arms wrap around me from behind. 

"Tough day?" Dan asked, his voice sweet and low. I leaned back against him, grateful for the soothing touch. "Not really, just made a mistake and it got on the boss' bad side."

"What a prick."

"Major prick."

"Mhm. Where's Sawyer?"

"Play pen, have it set up just inside the kitchen. He likes to race his cars on the tile."

I laughed, looking over my shoulder and Dan to see Sawyer indeed in his pen, going nuts with the cars, throwing them into the gate before scooting after them to grab them again and repeat the process.

Dan kissed my cheek. "I'm sorry you got yelled at."

"I'm mad, but I'll get over it." I chuckled softly, placing my hands on his.

Small pause from Dan. "Could almost strangle him."

It took me a moment to register, but I caught on a bit slowly. "Nah, he's too protected. I'd get caught." I tried to derive his mind from that, but all I could think about was watching Dan choke him to death, that beautiful look of concentration on his face. All bloody, sweaty, hot...

I snapped myself away from the thought quickly. "It's okay, Dan. He's a prick, but life goes on."

I turned around to face him, a bit startled when I saw that dark look on his features. He grabbed my hips firmly, pulling me against him and kissing me deeply. My mind went fuzzy, and I just let it happen. I melted into the kiss, allowing him to walk me backwards until my calves hit the edge of the couch, forcing me to sit down while Dan crawling into my lap. 

My mind was blank, too caught up in the sudden passion to care about anything else. 

Dan's mouth broke from mine, and his gorgeous brown eyes searched my face. "Tell me how you'd kill him." He demanded, his voice breathy. He leaned his mouth down, kissing my jaw before sucking on his lightly, his hands gripping the front of my shirt.

I rested a hand on the back of his head, threading my fingers through his hair and staring up at the ceiling. "Well...If I could do it without getting caught...I'd walk into his office, probably punch him in the face. Kick him around a little until he was laying on the ground, begging me to stop." Dan's kisses got more intense along my neck the more I spoke. A deep shiver ran through my whole body, and my breath caught in my throat as he started to leave little bites down the side of my neck. "Wh-while he's on the ground, I'd take off my tie, nice and slow. Make sure he knew what was coming. I'd sit on him to pin him down...Then I'd use my tie and wrap it around his throat. Hold it nice and tight, watch him struggle to rip it off while it got tighter and tighter..."

Dan let out a soft moan, his fingers digging into my chest. He slid out of my lap, pushing up my shirt to kiss down my chest and stomach while fumbling with unbuttoning my pants. I kept my hand on his head, taking a moment to catch my breath while he worked. I looked over my shoulder, making sure the back of the couch was properly protecting Sawyer from seeing anything, which it was. Not that he was paying attention anyway, his cars were far more fascinating. Coupled with a sippy cup, the kid would be occupied for a good twenty minutes.

"Tell me more." Dan pleaded. Just the sound of his voice made me groan softly. He had made quick work of getting my dick out of my pants. He was placing light kisses on it, and I just wanted to lean back and accept what was being given. But I knew the talking is what got him so fired up, so I continued. 

"I wouldn't kill him by strangling, too easy." I paused to moan a little as Dan wrapped his mouth around the head of my cock, his soft tongue pressed to the underside. "But I would choke him enough to make him pass out, watch his face go red while he struggles for breath, then finally goes limp. Then, I'd walk around his office, find something to finish the job..."

"Stapler?" Dan pulled his mouth off with a little pop, looking up at me.

I laughed and gently guided his head back down, which he took obediently, putting my cock back in his mouth. "No, darling. Well, maybe to wake him up. Slap a couple staples into his face. No, I want something...blunt. Something to make the blood spray, that would take a while and some good effort to...f-fuck..." He was making it super hard to talk with that skillful mouth of his. I pulled his hair a little, knowing he loved that, and he moaned softly around my cock. I leaned my head back against the couch, trying to regain my train of thought while Dan's head moved up and down on my cock. A rather difficult task. 

"I got it...There's this big, circular metal paper weight on his desk. Just...ah-..Just take that, and the stapler. Get back on him, hold him down, and slap him with the stapler till he wakes up."

Dan's teeth grazed lightly across my shaft, and I had to let out another moan. "F-fuck Dan.." He laughed softly, taking me carefully towards the back of his throat. I could feel myself getting closer to the edge.

"He'd wake up, and he'd be able to see his death coming a second time. Can you i-imagine? The fucking fear in his eyes. And I'd hold the paper weight above his head, pause a little, build the tension." Speaking of tension, I was about to cum any second. I pushed Dan's head a little, trying to give him a warning while I panted heavily.

Dan held on to my thighs firmly, breaking his mouth away just for a second. "Don't worry about it, just finish. Tell me how you'd kill him and cum baby." He latched his mouth back on eagerly, sucking and moving quickly. I gasped, thinking that surely him just saying that would be the finish, but I held on for another little bit.

"I'd beat his fucking face in," I rambled, unable to control my words as Dan worked my cock, "Once time, not enough to kill him, but enough to splatter me in his blood. He wouldn't be able to move, just sit there in agony while I feel his warm blood on my hands and drops on my face. And then I'd keep going, fuck, I'd smash his face completely inward till it was just a fucking dent and mush. So much blood, and it would feel so fucking good. Feeling his body go limp for good beneath me. Taking his life-" I cut off with a little shout, unable to hold out any longer. I came in Dan's mouth, and he swallowed eagerly with little moans of satisfaction. I leaned back against the couch, trying to catch my breath from the rather intense orgasm. Jesus, was thinking about murdering getting me that turned on, or was it just Dan? It disturbed me a little that I didn't know.

Only a few seconds after Dan finished swallowing, he let out a muffled whine as he came himself, without me even having to touch him or return the oral. I blew out a breath. "Holy shit."

Dan laughed, leaning back and running a hand through his ruffled hair. "That was...Nice." He said, standing up and grimacing at the awkward feeling. "Nice, but I'm going to go change my pants instantly."

I tucked myself back into my jeans, stand up with him and placing a quick kiss on his lips. "Good idea. I'll stay and watch the kid till you get back." 

"Sounds good." He purred, taking a moment to just lean against me and nuzzle the curve of my neck. I held him tightly, closing my eyes. 

 

\---

 

_"So, you found the concept of murdering someone sexually arousing?"_

_I blinked at the doctor's question, laughing a little at him. "I mean, if it wasn't obvious at this point..."_

_The doctor shook his head. "I was under the impression that making Dan happy was what drove you sexually, not the murder. I know they're very closely tied, but there's a fine line. Did you cross that line during that moment?"_

_I thought pretty hard about that. I didn't know, really. All the times I had sex after, or during murder, I was mostly turned on by, yes, the fact that it would satisfy Dan, but also seeing him in that position of power. Whether he was topping or bottoming, he was powerful in the sense that he took a human life. And that was pretty arousing to me. But when he gave me oral on the couch, I was fantasizing about killing someone. He wasn't even involved in the little daydream. It was just me and the person that I wished death upon._

_"I think I crossed a lot of lines, Dr. Sutton. More than once. I mean, I'd like to think that i'm completely sane like you do, but I don't know how true that is." I strummed my fingers on the square table. "I mean, for the most part I knew what I was doing was wrong, but there were moments like that where I simply didn't care. Honestly. I was too...caught up in everything."_

_Dr. Sutton smiled a little, although a bit humorlessly. "'Caught up' in things. You say that a lot. What do you mean?"_

_I looked at the table, shrugging my shoulders. "Dunno. Meaning I just let my mind go. Let my reasoning and morals just...Disappear."_

_The doctor nodded, writing on his clipboard for a few minutes, leaving me to think for a short time. "Alright, Philip. Tell me about the next murder. I believe this is the first one where you had a close encounter with the law?"_

_I laughed a little. "Close? Yeah, it was close alright. They were practically up our asses."_

 

\---

 

Dan had demanded another night off not long after that. I knew what was happening. My mum was a bit surprised we were having another night together, but she thought it was a good idea. She suggested that we start taking every Friday night off, offering to take care of Sawyer during that time. Dan smiled, but I knew he wouldn't probably go for that. It was too much time away from his brother, of whom he was very possessive. 

But I thanked her anyway, telling her we would see if that was something we would like to do and let her know. We said goodbye to Sawyer once again, then focused on our plan.

"First off, the killing every time we go out on a date has to stop after this." Dan said quickly, his mind working through the faults. "It's way too obvious, we have no alibis because we never actually go anywhere. And I'm seen in a place where the victim goes missing. So we have to be a little more careful this time. I think a prostitute should do it. And we should stay in our car, or drive somewhere that we can dump the body. Too many bodies at our house...I mean, I know it's out of the way, but one property search and we'd be caught. It's turning into a cemetery."

I nodded slowly, attempting to keep up with his mind. It was making sense so far. 

"Also, we need to make sure to have protection tonight. I know what I want to do, what I want you to see. So...All we need now is a hooker." 

I wrinkled my nose a little. "Sounds dirty."

Dan blinked, then burst out laughing. "It won't matter, we're going to kill them anyway. Any gender preference?"

"Male." I said quickly. "I can't get a boner around a vagina. It's impossible."

Dan laughed even harder, shaking his head. "God, you're my favorite person ever. Okay, we'll see if we can happen upon a male hooker. If not, you're just going to have to close your eyes and pretend."

We spent the next few hours scouring the seedy parts of town, asking around where we might be able to pick up a male hooker. Surprisingly, none of the lovely ladies on the corners looked at us strangely. They just told us what they knew and sent us off with a little wave. Hookers are nicer than they seem.

Just as we were about to give up, we saw him. A guy on the corner. I frowned a little as we pulled up, and Dan rolled down his window. He didn't appear to be more than a kid, with sandy blonde hair and baby blue eyes. He smiled pleasantly, leaning against Dan's open window and peeking his head inside. "Hey fellas. What are you lookin' for?"

He was so painfully gay, with the cliche tone of voice and mannerisms. He even had fishnets and short shorts on for Christ's sake. But this is what Dan wanted, and this is what he was going to get. 

"Threeway. $700 for the whole night. We finish when we finish. I call the shots. You in?"

He looked a little iffy about the price, but looked in at me, his smile widened a little. "Sure, I'm down for some time with you and pretty-eyes back there. Take me away." He got into the back seat.

I had smiled a little bit at the compliment, but Dan looked like he literally wanted to murder the kid (and he did before, but now there was a little incentive.) so I quickly dropped the smile and just drove to where he wanted me to go. 

The kid's name was Hennessy, he was just barely 18 and lived with his mom in the poor district. "This is how I make rent." He said casually, looking out the window as we drove further and further away from the city. He didn't seem too concerned. "I just barely started this kinda work, so don't worry, I'm STD free so far. By the way, neither of you have anything, right?"

"We're married," Dan said flatly.

I cleared my throat, answering Hennessy's question more directly. "Neither of us have anything. Both careful in past relationships, and stayed faithful to each other. You're the first person we've ever done a threeway with."

"Charming." Hennessy was definitely more interested when I was the one doing the talking, leaning forward in his seat a little. "So what little sexual adventures are we getting up to tonight, hm? You guys vanilla?"

Dan chuckled darkly, making Hennessy's smile falter. "No, far from vanilla. But tonight we're just going to do a spit roast, you being in the middle. How does that sound?"

The boy's eyes lingered on me for a bit too long. "I like the sounds of that." He said cheerfully, a hint of lust in his voice.

Dan gripped the door handle so hard his knuckles were turning white.

We found a spot to pull over. A little ways out of the city, by a large river. Dan looked over his shoulder, smiling pleasantly at Hennessy. "We're just going to put the seat down. Sorry we had to go so out of the way, but Phil has a really respectable job, and we can't risk him being seen like this."

"No, I get it. It's fine." he replied casually, getting out of the car and stretching. He looked around the darkening area, completely relaxed with this whole situation. Perhaps it only seemed off to me because I knew his fate, but I was feeling a bit anxious on his behalf. 

"Phil, will you put down the seats?" Dan asked me sweetly. I did as he asked, watching as he walked over to Hennessy and talked quietly with him. I wanted to hear what they were saying, but I focused doing as I was told for the time being. 

With the seats in the back down, we had ample room for all three of us. Dan and I just might have to duck to avoid bumping our heads on the roof of the car.

Hennessy walked around the side of the car, taking off his jacket and top as he went and leaving them on the ground. Dan looked at them, frowning lightly but knowing better than to touch them and possibly disturb them or leave evidence of himself on them.

"I'm already wearing a plug, so I'm ready when you are." He said cheerfully, climbing in the back and getting on his hands and knees.

Dan nudged me, leaving a little kiss on the side of my neck. "I dibs front." He said with a little wink, then climbed into the back of the car. I was mildly confused, but mostly extremely excited to see what Dan had in store for this kid.

I got in as well, positioning myself behind the boy. He was skinny and pale, trying a little too hard to look sexually appetizing. It was cute, if nothing else. But my eyes made contact with Dan, and I didn't want to break it. 

Dan had made sure to bring plenty of condoms and lube, passing the little foil packets to the both of us and then setting the lube on the floor within easy reach of anyone who needed it.

Hennessy starting, unzipping Dan's pants and untucking his shirt. We had both dressed up pretty nice for the night, holding up the illusion with my mother that we were going on a really nice date. We had on button up shirts, ties, and slacks for the occasion, although we were probably going to burn the clothes and spread the ashes into the forest after tonight. 

I watched as Hennessy leaned in, making a soft sound as he took Dan's cock in his mouth. I thought back to just a couple days earlier when Dan blew me on the couch while I talked about bashing my boss's face in, feeling the heat starting to pool in my stomach just at the thought, making my dick harden. 

Dan closed his eyes, a little sigh escaping his lips. Watching him being pleasured was...Something else. I didn't know quite what to think. Whenever he was pulling those faces, making those sounds, I was always the one to cause them. But being at a distance and knowing that he was moaning for someone else...I didn't hate it, but I didn't like it either. I wanted to be the mouth pleasuring him at that moment, but at the same time, watching him full view was incredibly hot. 

Dan's hand trailed up to his neck, loosening his tie and taking it off. He held eye contact with me, and I saw the darkness returning to his eyes. I swallowed thickly, listening as he commanded, "Get inside him, dear. Let's make this quick."

"Yes sir." I breathed, unwrapping my condom and sliding it on quickly before fumbling in the darkening car to find the lube.

I looked out the window at the barely setting sun, frowning slightly. "It's not exactly dark yet, should we be starting now? We're not really in a secluded place. I mean, isn't this a park or..." I trailed off when I saw Dan staring at me, his expression alone telling me to shut up.

"Don't worry about it." He said flatly, grabbing Hennessy by the hair and pulling him back to his dick (he had pulled off briefly to see exactly what I was talking about.)

I shrugged and applied some lube to my fingers. "Alright." I knew that it was a dumb idea, but I didn't fight. Why? I wasn't really sure. Probably because I knew we would be caught. It would be an end to this, to constantly feeling conflicted about what I was doing. An end to the killing. An end to the secrets, the dirty work, the disposal of bodies. And end to Dan...

Trying to focus on stretching the little twink in front of me instead of on the fact that we were about to murder him, I let out a steadying breath and concentrated on my work. I could feel Dan's stare burning through my skin. It felt like he was assessing or judging me as I worked. Honestly, I don't think he liked me touching another man like I would touch him, and I could honestly say the feelings were reciprocated. It didn't feel right. We were made for each other. 

I locked my eyes with Dan's again as I removed my fingers from the boy's properly stretched ass, and he narrowed his brown ones a bit back at me. I pushed my cock inside him slowly, listening to the small moans coming from Hennessy, muffle by Dan's cock in his mouth. 

The staring contest Dan and I were having would probably have been the most awkward thing to witness if there were anyone just standing around and watching. We held this intense hateful, yet loving contact while we fucked the kid between us. We were burning with jealousy but continued to work as we did, ignoring the moans and little cries from Hennessy.

Dan eventually started tugging at his tie more, managing to get it off while keeping one hand on the back of Hennessy's head. He smirked a little, and I knew what he was about to do. 

" _Choke enough to make him pass out,_ " Dan reciting, quoting me from a couple days ago when I told him about my murder-sex fantasy involving my boss. I don't think Hennessy heard, but even if he did, it was too late. Dan snapped the tie straight, then quickly wrapped it around the boy's throat.

Hennessy make a little gagging noise, jumping in surprise at the sudden fabric around his neck. I held him from behind, thrusting into him faster as I watched Dan hold the two ends of the tie tight in his hands and wrap it around his neck a second time. He tightened the tie completely down, noticeably digging into the boy's skin and causing his face to start to turn red. 

" _Watch his face go red while he struggles for breath._ " I panted, hitting into Hennessy harder and harder, not giving a single fuck about his comfort at this point. He was going to die anyway, so I might as well get my satisfaction.

Dan laughed darkly as he watched me, tightening the tie more.

Hennessy had been struggling, but not very hard at first. He must have assumed it was just some light choking for sexual pleasure, but he had surely sensed something was wrong by now. He was clawing at the carpet of the back of our car, then at the tie around his neck that was blocking his hair flow. I could hear him choking and gagging, and it was like music to my ears. 

"End him." I growled to Dan, my nails digging into the boy's hips as I tried to hold him in place. He was doing an awful lot of squirming. I didn't expect a dying man to give such a fight, especially when he should be blacking out at any second.

Dan nodded, a wicked smile on his face. "Yes, my love." He purred, giving the tie another harsh jerk.

Our little hooker only struggled for about ten seconds after that, then finally went limp. Dan didn't let up, still holding the rope tightly, watching intently for the signs of life to leave him.

I could feel myself reaching an orgasm, so I pulled out quickly, letting out a loud gasp as I came. I was still wearing a condom, but I didn't want to risk any of my DNA getting inside of him. It was still just as satisfying though, coming with my cock resting on top of a dead man.

Dan opted to using his hand to finish, just to get things over with quickly while collected myself. 

I watched him, chuckling a little. "I love the face you make when you cum." I commented, trying to fix my trousers and shirt.

Dan blushed bright red, looking away from me. "Shut up, now I'm going to be self conscious about it. 

"Don't be! You're beautiful." I insisted. 

He looked up at me again, his dark expression quickly retreated and changing to one of deep love. "Shut up anyway," he said affectionately, "Don't distract me, we still have a bit of work to do."

The work he had in mind was disposing of our latest corpse. I looked at Hennessy, face down in the trunk of our car with a tie around his neck. I tutted and shook my head. "Yeah, poor kid. Well, we could always just drive up the road a bit and find a better access to the river. I say we just dump him, honestly. Washes away evidence pretty good. If he was found, they would have nothing to go off of."

Dan nodded in agreement. "And tomorrow we have to take the car to get detailed. I mean, I know no one is going to really be able to tell it was us, but I want to be safe just in case. No one can know. Sound good?"

I grinned. "Sounds like a date."

With that, we set off. We had become somewhat accustomed to this at this point. We worked like a well oiled machine, never having to stop and talking about our plan, simply taking non-verbal cues from each other. It was like we were one mind, thinking the same exact things at all times. By the time we reached our dumping point, the sun had gone down behind the hills.

Dumping Hennessy took no time at all. We found a little path that led straight to the river in a very large part. I cradled the corpse of the naked boy, wading out into the river just as far as I could without being pulled away by the river. It was cold as fuck, and I only made it in to about the middle of my torso. I gave him one last look.

"I'm sorry." I whispered, lowering my arms and releasing the pale corpse into the water. He drifted from my arms, sinking only a little bit. I could see him moving further and further down stream, illuminated by the pale light of the stars.

I turned once the body was out of sight, moving back to the shore where Dan stood, waiting with a blanket he had pulled from the trunk. He threw it around me and pulled me into a warm embrace, which I accepted gladly.

"Let's get to the car and turn the heaters on." He suggested cheerfully, and I didn't argue.

He decided to drive home since I was busy trying not to catch hypothermia, and fucking exhausted from the night. I let the hot air from the heater blow on me, listening to Dan hum as he drove out of the little park area.

His humming stopped suddenly. I opened my eyes, looking out the windshield. 

Two cars were driving towards us. I couldn't make out just why it had made Dan freeze up, but when they took a slight turn and our headlights shined on the reflective words on the side, I felt cold fear grip my heart. 

Police.

"It's okay," I told Dan quickly. "Just keep driving like you are. They're probably just on patrol. It's nothing."

"Okay." Dan whispered. He sounded so small and afraid, I hated it. His confidence was shaken so soon after we had regained it. 

The police cars seemed to be in a bit of a hurry, but they passed us without incident. Dan didn't relax until he couldn't see them in the rear view mirror anymore. I, too, had been holding my breath. We exhaled at the same time, looking at each other and laughing a little bit.

"See, what did I tell you? It's nothing." I said, nudging his leg gently.

He smiled at me. "You were right. I'm sorry, I just-"

"I get it." I didn't want him to have to explain the paranoia and fear, because I had felt it too. "But we're okay. Relax, darling."

His shoulders drooped just a little bit, but I knew that seeing the cars had rattled him a little bit. He was probably seeing just how real this whole situation was. 

We were almost off of the dirt road and back into the city when a piercing sound came from behind us. A siren wailing. Dan's head snapped around so fast he could have probably broken his neck. I turned too, and a ways up the road, we saw flashing lights coming down the winding road.

"Dan, go!" I shouted. I don't know why that was my first response. I wanted this done earlier, hadn't I? I had thought that the idea of being caught was a good one, but now, it was the last thing I wanted. 

He didn't have to be told twice. He turned back to the road and simply slammed down on the gas pedal. We were soon flying down the road, dust kicking up behind us like some sort of hellish storm. All I could do was grip on to the door, my heart pounding my chest and blood rushing through my ears. I didn't dare look back, but I could hear the sirens getting closer.

"Fuck, fuck fuck-" Dan repeated, his voice high with panic. We took a curve so close that I could feel the tire start to slip a little bit over the short drop by the edge of the road. But Dan took it like a champ, turning the car hard and gaining traction back onto the road quickly. He flung the vehicle forward and raced down the final stretch of dirt road before hitting the asphalt again. With proper traction and a familiarity with the area, Dan raced into the city without any further delay.

He took sharp turns, taking back roads and main roads. He didn't slow down, which was probably not a very good idea to try and make us look less conspicuous, but it helped us lose the fucking sirens. Even though I couldn't hear them, or see the lights anymore, I couldn't calm down. I didn't care that Dan was racing around, my whole body was shot with adrenaline.

Dan eventually noticed that he had shaken the two cars completely, taking his foot off of the gas pedal and letting it slow down to the appropriate speed.

Silence.

I looked over to Dan slowly. He was gripping the steering wheel like his damn life depended on it, his eyes wide as he turned the car onto the main road that eventually lead to our house.

My hand shook as I reached over and set it on Dan's leg, giving it a little squeeze. I knew that it wasn't really all that soothing, but we were both too shocked to say anything. 

We drove home.

 

\---

 

_Dr. Sutton was smiling a little. "I heard about that. Someone had reported that they had seen something weird going on in the back of a car in a public area, and the police eventually went out to investigate it. They drove straight past you, not really thinking anything about it. But they were told that the black car that had been parked there had left. And they saw a black car coming in...God, you got off so narrowly. My heart is beating a little bit just thinking about it."_

_I laughed and nodded. "I know, it was the closest call I think we had. I wouldn't mind never going through an experience like that again."_

_The doctor soften a little bit. "You didn't feel that afraid when it all came to an end?"_

_I looked up at him. The man's glasses were squares. I smiled a little and shook my head. "No, Dr. Sutton. I was at peace with it at that point. I wasn't afraid."_

_He smiled back. "You're brave."_

_"Not brave." I said quickly, dropping my eyes to my hands, my smile fading. "I was...I was just tired."_


	5. Chapter Four

I sat down on the couch next to Dan. He was holding a sleeping Sawyer, patting the toddler's back lightly as he dozed. I smiled at Dan, and he smiled a little back. We had relaxed some since the last murder and car chase, but Dan still held his confidence. He would be okay for a few weeks, which meant we could all be at ease.

Well, all except Sawyer, who decided over the last few days that now would be the perfect time to let his inner demon out and really show us what toddlers are made of. "I guess throwing four tantrums in the space of two hours can really tucker you out." I joked, my voice quiet so I wouldn't wake the poor child. 

Dan giggled and laid his head against my shoulder. "Yeah, I guess so. It wore me out too."

"Agreed." I put my arm around Dan, pulling him and Sawyer close beside me. All three of us cuddled together in the lazy afternoon sunlight filtering in from a nearby window. The TV was playing softly in front of us, a news station reporting on a local football team that was going to make it big. I didn't keep up on sports, but the news gave me a little sense of pride. With a husband and child, I was getting far too domestic. It wouldn't be long before  I knew the players names, and their strengths and weaknesses. Just like my dad did. I laughed a little at the thought of it, leaning my head back as I listened to the reporter drone on.

Dan's breathing evened out, falling in sync with Sawyer's, and I realized the two bothers were now fast asleep. I looked down at them, pushing a strand of Dan's brown hair out of his face and kissing his forehead. It was the little moments like these that made everything worth it. I closed my eyes and allowed myself to drift off into a little nap as well.

I woke up to a harsh sounding cough.

It felt like I had only been asleep for a couple of seconds, but when I opened my eyes, the whole house was dark. Dan and Sawyer were gone. The spot where they had been was cold. 

I hazily remembered standing up and trudging through the house, calling out around each corner for Dan or Sawyer, or anyone. Everything was foggy and spinning slightly. I remember panic, and a nagging feeling that this was all going to go very wrong very fast.

The coughing resumed, sounding like it was coming from outside. 

And suddenly I was there, out in our front yard. I was standing next to Dan, and there was a line of harsh lights pointed at us. I could hear shouting, but couldn't see anyone behind the lights. I looked at Dan, who had his hands up in the air and pure terror written on his face. We were suddenly up to our ankles in mud. I was stuck, I couldn't run away even if I tried. But Dan had that look in his eyes like he might try.

"I didn't kill anyone." I whispered, holding my hands up along with Dan.

Dan's turned his head, looking up at me. "Liar."

He coughed, blood falling from his mouth and on to the harshly illuminated on the watery ground. Everything was so crystal clear. The gleam off of each drop was as bright as the lights in front of us. I moved to drop my hands, to talk to Dan.

Just as I did, the lights opened fire. I watched Dan get struck so harshly by a rain of bullets that he was thrown backwards, clothes and chunks of skin trailing behind him. I didn't have time to even breathe. I didn't breathe. I couldn't breathe. There was no air.

No air.

No...

 

\---

 

_"And then I wake up, and I feel like I've been holding my breath for quite some time." I took a quick breath, almost by instinct after having talked about a lack of oxygen. My hands were still kind of shaking, and I stared down at a cup of steaming tea in my hands. "It's been every night since I told you about the last murder. So about...five nights? Six? I don't know anymore. I haven't been able to get to sleep after, and the days and nights are blurring awfully..."_

_I was sitting in my bed, a mug of black tea in my slightly shaking hands. I wouldn't allow any of the lights to be on. They reminded me too much of the dream where the lights shot my Dan to pieces._

_Dr. Sutton was sitting in a chair beside my bed, listening to me as quietly and patiently as ever. It was strange to see him dressed like a normal man instead of a doctor. He was in a plain t-shirt and sweatpants with running shoes instead of shiny black ones. But this made me feel a little bit better, because it was like I was talking to a real person instead of a man assigned to listen to me complain for a few hours every week. Although, him coming to my room at three in the morning to calm me down after an episode suggested to me that he possibly saw me as a burden worth putting up with. For whatever reason._

_He rubbed a hand down his face, stifling a yawn. "Every day, and you didn't think to mention it to one of the nurses before it got to the point where you had an episode?" It was  fair point, but he wasn't making it out of anger. He had the same look of patience and understanding that he always had when speaking with me about my problems._

_I looked back to my tea, taking a sip of it before responding. "I thought they were just nightmares. Didn't think it was worth mentioning."_

_"Anything bothering you is worth mentioning, especially to me. It's my job to help you work through stuff like this. But if you keep it to yourself, I can't do anything." Dr. Sutton folded his arms and leaned back in his chair. "And by the sounds of what you've been telling me, and what I've witnessed, I'd say you're suffering from something along the lines of PTSD from the traumatic events in your life. I would have pegged you with it earlier, but you seemed to be handling the countless murders fairly well. Was there something about the last murder you told me about that may have triggered an unpleasant response in your subconscious?"_

_I looked over at him, frowning a bit. "As horrible as it sounds, no. Hennessy was just like any other murder. I don't know, maybe the actual severity of it is just catching up with me. I've been...Angrier recently. Everything has been pissing me off and I can't exactly figure out why."_

_The doctor shifted in his chair. "That's very noteworthy. Do you feel like you're capable of causing harm to yourself or others?"_

_"No." I shook my head quickly. "It's all in my head. I'm just frustrated. Everything in my head is such a mess, doctor, and I can't convey it properly. I can't tell you how I feel because I don't...I don't know. And that doesn't help you know me any better, or what my fucking problem is."_

_Dr. Sutton chuckled and leaned forward, patting my shoulder. I relaxed slightly under the friendly touch, feeling my nerves calming down a little. "It's okay Philip, you don't have to know. What I'm here for is not to have you tell me exactly what you feel all the time, otherwise you would be able to work through your problems on your own. Our talks are supposed to help me understand you better, yes, but also help me to start helping you." He paused, laughing a little. "I'm the one not making much sense."_

_Leaning back into my bed, I shook my head. "You make sense. You're one of the last things in my life that makes any sense." I set the tea on the stand beside my bed half finished, looking up at Dr. Sutton who seemed as though he was going to fall asleep himself at any second. "I'm really sorry for waking you up this late. Sorry that none of the nurses wanted to deal with me and you had to..."_

_He blinked, trying to seem more awake than he actually was. "No, no. I already said it wasn't a problem. No need to apologize. If  you don't need me any longer, I'll leave you to rest. We have an appointment in a couple of days. But promise me you'll call me if you need anything before then, okay?"_

_I nodded, just hoping the man would finally leave and get some rest. Despite him insisting it was okay, I still felt awful. It wasn't worth the trouble just because I panicked a little. "I will escape and run to your office if I have to." I joked, and thankfully he smiled at it._

_"Don't cause any trouble." He scolded me, but there was a glint in his eyes. "Sleep well, Philip."_

_"You too." I returned, watching with an easy smile as he stood from his chair and stumbled a little bit out of the door. He was human, just like me. Not just a starch white doctor's coat and perfectly folded tie. He shut the door gently, and I laid back against my pillow._

_Every time I closed my eyes, all I could see was pieces of Dan flying into the air. I opened my eyes, despite them burning from exhaustion, and stared at the ceiling. I could hear someone screaming down the hall. She screamed every morning around 4:00 am. I didn't know which patient it was, but I felt awful for them, living in a world where they couldn't get proper rest because their mind decided to turn on them. I could relate to her this morning._

_I waited quietly until I could hear the gentle noises of people waking, and nurses starting their morning shifts. They would come get me last so I would have less time to interact with people, as I was potentially dangerous. Thank god they stopped handcuffing me everywhere on Sutton's request. But this meant that people would be hovering around me, watching me very closely. They tried to make it seem casual, but I was extremely aware of every person's eyes landing on me as I had nothing else to do. Activities were limited to me sitting by the window and watching the garden, or reading a book quietly in the commons room. If I talked too much with the less dangerous patients, I was conveniently escorted away.  That meant my contact was limited to people who were barely aware of their own existence._

_But there was one person that would actually hold up conversations with me, given he was having a good day. And his good days were coming around more often. I was glad for him, that meant he was getting better. I was also a little sad, because in the same way it meant that he was getting more stable and I soon wouldn't be allowed to talk with him either._

_When the nurses came to get me for breakfast, I decided I would sit with him at his normal spot, at a two-seater table by the window where I watched the garden in the later hours. They took me down the long, white hallway, chatting between each other and promptly pretending like I didn't exist. I didn't mind all that much anymore. It used to nag away at me a lot, but I was learning to live with it._

_The breakfast line was short. There were only about 20 of us in this particular institution, so you could usually tell right away when we were short of people. Today we were missing about three. I knew the one woman who was screaming would probably not be joining us for breakfast, resting up after her morning episode. I didn't know where the other two went, and I couldn't pick out exactly who they were just looking at the back's of people's heads in the line._

_Our facility was a little different in the sense that it had all patients eat breakfast together, and the rest of the meals were in our own rooms. Everyone was still a little drowsy from their medication in the morning, and far easier to handle._

_I got my tray, thanking the woman standing behind the counter for the bowl of tasteless porridge with a side of sliced apples and a glass of water. She stared at me, only offering a little nod. She thought herself above us, but I thanked her regardless every single day._

_I scanned the room, finding the thin frame and wild curly hair sitting away from the rest of the members where he always was. I brought my tray over to him, sitting across from him, making sure my motions were slow so I wouldn't startle him. I don't know how he reacted to being startled, but judging by everyone else here, it wouldn't be good._

_He looked up at me, stormy eyes and curly hair, and smiled a little. "Hello." He spoke softly._

_I returned his smile. "Hello to you too." I don't think either of us knew each other's names, but it didn't seem to be required with him. We were friends, nameless, unknowing of each other's backgrounds, and guiltless. And in a place like this, it was extremely refreshing to be able to look past each other's problems and see each other for being people._

_He looked at my tray, then at his. "I got oranges." He huffed._

_I grinned because we had this conversation many times. I don't know if he just didn't remember, or simply liked to have some sort of familiarity associated with me. He hated oranges for some reason, but I enjoyed them. "Apples again for me." I said, picking up my little plate of fruit and switching it with his. He brightened up, taking one of the apple slices and pulling his knees up to his chest as he bit into it._

_"You're a good friend." He sighed as he crunched. I chucked and shook my head, taking an orange slice for myself and leaning back in my chair. Other than the bad days where he just stared at the walls, silent and almost not even present in his own mind, I couldn't even tell there was anything wrong with this kid. He was shy at first, yes, but he was starting to open up. He would chat idly about whatever was going on in his mind, and it was brilliant. He had such a different view on this. It was like he spoke art._

_The boy looked out the window for a moment, the light from outside making his sharp features look even more pale. I watched him quietly, eating my food and waiting for him to say something to me, which he might not even do. I could never know what he was going to do, or when._

_He did speak up after about ten minutes of us eating our food in silence. "I've never been in love." He stated simply, his eyes darting from the window to me, gauging my reaction._

_I didn't know what to say for a couple of seconds. "Haven't you? Not even once?"_

_He shook his head and played with his spoon. "Nope, not once. I tried once and it didn't end well, and now I'm here." The briefest of glances into his past. Something with someone he tried to love put him here? Interesting._

_"I'm kind of the same." I admitted, watching him relax a little bit with my confession. "Although it was real love. Or at least, I think it was." After all Sutton and I had talked about, I couldn't be too sure. I knew it was true love on my end, but Dan's side was questionable. I would have to ask him next time I saw him, and hope I would get some sort of answer somehow._

_The boy pulled his knees to his chest, watching me with an interest and clarity in his eyes that I didn't get to see around here. He was completely mentally present, and it was such a beautiful sight I could almost cry. "Will you tell me about her?" He asked._

_I grinned. "Well, I guess first off I should say my love was a 'he'. I can tell you about him, but I'm sure you've seen him on the news before. Dan Howell."_

_The realization came across his features, and I felt my stomach churn a little. Now he got a peak into my past._

_"Interesting," he breathed, nodding, "In love with a serial killer." I was expecting him to back away from the subject, but he seemed all the more interested. "Was he kind? I mean, to you? And didn't he have a kid?"_

_I couldn't help the smile on my face. There were three people in existence that I was aware of who could look past the murders and be interested in the man I knew. Sutton, this kid, and myself._

_So, I told him about Dan. I told him about all the times we had together, our inside jokes, my favorite moments with him. I told him about Dan's cooking and how he could braid hair faster than any girl I had ever met. The boy asked about what Dan liked to do, and I found myself recalling things beyond the bloodshed. Dan liked to sketch and doodle. He was no artist by any means, but the little drawings were something he created, so I saved each one he gave me. Dan liked to garden because it gave him something physical to do to distract him from whatever went on in his head. He would spend hours outside while Sawyer played on the grass._

_He was soon asking me about Sawyer, and I gushed about him for a solid ten minutes. That child was the second light in my life, and I missed him so much. I didn't know where he was taken, but I hoped my mother was keeping in contact with him if she could. I told the boy across from me about how Sawyer learned surprisingly fast for a kid with his condition, and spoke the few words he knew very well. Curly-hair grinned, his eyes alight with each word I spoke about my little family._

_"You were normal," he breathed, staring at me intently. "You were just people."_

_"We were," I nodded. "Just like everyone else. Well, mostly like everyone else. Minus the..."_

_He shook his head, resting his chin on his knees. "I don't like talking about the mental stuff. Insanity is the main focus of this damn place. So rarely are we allowed to remember the good stuff that's buried in the bad, y'know? They want us to talk about 'problems'. Day in and day out, all they let us think about is what's wrong with us, not what's right. They don't focus on the sunny days in our past. They keep droning on about what brought us here. Well, I like to think about the things that held us back from stumbling into here. Every good moment was a little barrier that tried to steer us away from here, even if we didn't realize it at the time. And if we focus on those things more, I believe that those good memories will be what leads us out those doors again."_

_Staring, I struggled for words for a few seconds. "I agree." I finally managed, leaning forward a little and resting my hands on the table. "Dear god, you're a lot smarter than you seem. I mean- I didn't mean you look dumb, I just-"_

_"Looks can be deceiving," He teased. "I understand what you mean, though. We're the few lucky ones to have our minds left for thinking." He said the last part with a glint of mischief in his eyes, leaning forward and dropping his voice like we were sharing some sort of great secret. What made it even funnier was that even if he said it out loud and people heard, half of them wouldn't even be able to register what he said as slightly offensive. We laughed quietly, covering our mouths. I glanced to the side of the room where a couple of nurses were watching us closely, narrowing their eyes as they tried to determine whether or not we were up to something. I glanced at the kid, then back pointedly at the nurses._

_He gave them a smirk, waving casually at them. One of the nurses coolly shifted their gaze away while the other one gave him a condescending smile. The one who smiled took a few steps towards us, stopping about five feet from our table. Being cautious. "You two having fun?"  She asked cheerfully, though the tone she used was one I used with Sawyer; that sickeningly sweet speech reserved for small children._

_"Endless amounts." I commented, my voice sounding deep and mature compared to hers._

_"Wonderful, Phil!" She continued on in that fucking tone._

_My smile was entirely faked. Inside my head, I was honestly considering taking my tray and smacking her across the face with it. Not enough to kill her, but enough to make her shut the fuck up._

_She turned to the boy across from me, offering that same tone. "You're alright today, Troye? How are your meds working?"_

_"Peachy." The boy--Troye--responded vaguely. I made a mental note of his name. He undoubtedly knew mine if I he knew Dan's. Little pieces of each other we were getting to see today._

_"Well, it's about time to start wrapping it up. Phil, will you come with me please?" She smiled at me. I glanced at Troye, who nodded easily. People like us were only allowed to have a good time if it fit into the schedule._

_"I'll see you when I see you, I suppose." I said._

_Troye smiled. "Find your positives while you're gone."_

_I nodded, turning around to follow the nurse, stopping after only taking a few steps and turning back to face Troye._

_"You said you thought you were in love." I stated, ignoring the nurse calling my name, her sweet tone straining a bit. "That's what brought you here. How did you know it wasn't actually love?"_

_Troye blinked in surprise. He took a moment to think it over carefully, causing the nurse to get impatient and go to find backup to take me by force to my room. But I didn't care. I needed the answer._

_"I suppose I never really realized, especially not while it was happening. Even when I was in constant pain, I didn't know." He said carefully, his brow furrowed as he thought hard. "It's something I've been told over and over, though. So I've sort of accepted it as truth. And I think that one day, I can actually believe it. But be careful, Phil. You never know what the truth could do to you."_

_He looked like he wanted to say more, but a hand on my arm took my focus from him. A bigger, stronger male nurse was gripping my arm with subtle intensity. "We need to take you back to your room, Philip." He said simply. I looked at Troye, who gave me a small wave. I half raised my hand, turning to follow the nurses once again._

_I zoned out the whole way back, Troye's words floating lazily about in my mind. He was the same as me, destroyed love. Or what I thought was love. I loved Dan, I knew that without a doubt. I loved him so much I let him get away with murder, quite literally. I wondered briefly what Troye had let his lover get away just because he was enamored._

_One last question remained in my head, and it made me want to throw up just thinking about it._

_All of those lives, the blood that stained his hands and mine. The countless lies I told, and dark truths I buried in the backyard. The times I had hurt myself emotionally and physically to keep Dan safe. The ages of guilt piled on top of my soul that could never be lifted away. The mental damage that was far beyond repair._

_Had I done it all for love, while Dan didn't even feel the same way?_


	6. Chapter Five

_I wanted to talk with Sutton today more than ever. Since my talk with Troye, the question of Dan's love for me burned in the back of my mind, consuming my thoughts like a wildfire. I needed to ask him if he thought Dan loved me, truly. Even if it was just for a second, or in an odd way that only a psychopath was capable of. He had to, didn't he? Why would he have stayed otherwise?_

_I quickly veered my mind from that thought, because there were a thousand other reasons he could have stayed besides love, and I knew that, as much as I didn't want to believe that it was true._

_As soon as I was deposited into Dr. Sutton's office, I moved quickly to my side of the table and waited not-so-patiently for him to enter, staring down the door with an intensity that might have driven him away the second he stepped in. But I needed answers, and I needed them now._

_The door handle jiggled, and I sat up straighter, watching as Dr. Sutton merely poked his head inside. "Phil, come here." He beckoned, leaving the door open as he stepped back out. I opened my mouth to protest, then slowly shut it. Damn, what choice did I have? None, really. So I stood up and shuffled over to the door, peering out of the slightly open crack. There were no nurses, and no guards in sight. Just Dr. Sutton and some man in a navy blue suit and a receding hairline._

_Dr. Sutton seemed to sense my gaze, looking over at me and smiling. "It's alright. You can come out here. We're going to take a little walk across the grounds to the office. This is your lawyer."_

_It was the strangest feeling stepping out into the hall with two normal people and not be watched like I was about to leap on them and beat them to death. I pulled on the sleeves of my sweater, standing close to Sutton and eyeing the lawyer suspiciously. It had taken them way too long to find one who would actually represent me, so I wondered just how much he could be trusted._

_He had one of those bold, car-salesmen voices that echoed down the hallways. "Hi there Lester! I'm Colter Abbey, and I'm going to be winning your case." He thrust out his hand for me to shake it, and I took it hesitantly._

_"Th-thanks, I...I'm Phil, and I guess you already know about me..." I offered weakly._

_Sutton nodded to Abbey, saying, "I was just filling Mr. Abbey in here on the last details of your case. You can open up to him just like you do to me. Again, it's crucial that you don't leave out any details, especially with him. I can get you to stability, but he can get you to freedom. It's vital. I want to see you out of here, Phil. Can you work with me on that?"_

_I stared at Sutton with slightly widened eyes, nodding a little. He gave me an easy smile. "Alright, great. Now follow us, we have to go somewhere legally approved and private. The only place like that is the holding room in the office. Security cameras, bugged, guards..."_

_My question had been completely forgotten with this new rush of information and excitement. I was walking like a free man beside Sutton, and Abbey took up the rear while he chatted on his phone. They both laughed at me when I stepped out into the sunlight and flinched at the brightness. It had been some time since I was allowed outside. The weather was warm with a slight breeze. I inhaled deeply, silently thanking God that I was even getting a few minutes to savor this._

_I think Sutton realized just how much I was enjoying this, taking the long way around the courtyard and watching me as I admired the beautiful day. But it was over all too soon, and another pair of doors were opening to swallow me back into dim lights and watchful eyes._

_The guards positioned just inside the doors nearly had a heart attack when they saw me walking without cuffs or security into the building. Dr. Sutton waved them off when they started towards me. It took them a second to stop in their tracks, so certain that I was the biggest threat at that moment, so Sutton put his arm out in front of me to create a barrier. "He's fine." He snapped at them._

_Both guards, two males with more muscle than the good doctor and I combined, reluctantly backed off, watching me warily. Sutton grabbed my elbow, leading me off to the left down a dark hallway illuminated only by dying yellow lights. "You don't have to defend me like that," I whispered once they were out of earshot. "You could lose your job like that."_

_"I can't lose my job," Sutton said with a wry smile, "I'm the only one who will work here willingly."_

_I chuckled a little, and we stopped at a giant black metal door. There was a third guard stationed at the door, waiting until Sutton showed his ID before unlocking it with a key card and letting us in. Abbey was a couple of steps behind, but the guard barked at him for his ID anyway. Abbey slowly lowered his phone, and the door shut just as he stared releasing verbal hell upon him. I raised my eyebrows and slowly sank into the uncomfortable metal chair beside Sutton. "He seems qualified...I think."_

_Sutton grinned. "He's more than qualified, and he's on your side. '_ Don't care what the fuck he did, I get paid, so I'm going to fight like hell for him. _' Don't look at me like that, of course I interviewed him, I had to make sure that he was the right fit for you. If he wasn't someone we both could trust with your...situation...Then where would we be?" He tapped the table for emphasis. "We would be nowhere. You would be stuck here, or maybe thrown in prison, and I would feel the guilt for the rest of my life knowing I couldn't get an innocent man out."_

_I sighed, shaking my head slightly at him. "I completely lucked out with you. It's hard to believe." I said quietly._

_"Oh hush, it's what any decent human would do." He shuffled his papers, laying them out neat as ever on the table. They were full of notes he had taken when he was listening to me ramble about my murderous sex life. I laughed a little at some of the highlighted points I could read from here. I didn't notice Abbey slipping in with a flushed face from shouting at the guard._

_"Necrophilia? Okay, I don't recall ever actually having sex with the corpse. Like, a long dead one. Isn't that necrophilia?" I asked, sliding one of the papers over and scanning it._

_Sutton raised an eyebrow. "What about David? You ripped him open and then had intercourse on him."_

_"_ On _, not_ in. _" I corrected. "Never actually fucked the corpse itself."_

_"Oh, so technical." Sutton grabbed the paper from me and set it back in his pile. "I don't think you have a right to be picky. Point is, you get off on corpses. And with Hennessy, he was technically dead and you and Dan just kept going-"_

_"Okay! But that so doesn't make it necrophilia! That's way different than getting off murdering someone-"_

_Abbey cleared his throat, and Sutton and I both jumped and looked at him. He stared at us with an expression that simply said 'What the fuck?'_

_I tried hard not to laugh, I really did, but I couldn't hold it back. Sutton covered his mouth and tried hard to keep composure._

_"Thanks for taking my case," I said as another fit of laughter took over, "But you got way in over your head."_

 

_\---_

 

The incident with the police really rattled Dan. He was constantly looking over his shoulder, double checking things, and shaking in some way or another. In other words, despite the murder, we were right back at square one, and I couldn't bear it. I was supposed to be the one with the ability to change him but engaging in these activities with him, but it seemed we killed someone for no reason. Maybe that's why I was truly upset, the guilt was eating me alive that my one reason for doing any of this had failed. But I honestly didn't feel much at the moment other than worry and frustration that Dan wasn't okay, even for a short amount of time. 

I looked at Dan curled up on the couch, shaking slightly while his eyes were trained on the screen, but unfocused. God, his nervous habits were so bad he was constantly exhausted. He didn't even have the will to take care of Sawyer, which was insane considering how obsessed he was with his little brother. I didn't mind taking him on my own, but I wanted Dan to have some sort of happiness. But he was drawing into himself, racked with fear. 

Nothing I tried could make him calm down. No amounts of tea, no movies while we cuddled on the couch, no walks with Sawyer, nothing could bring him back.

Eventually he stopped sleeping, and that's when I got truly desperate. I crept down the stairs one night, finding Dan with his eyes on the news again. He looked like a skeleton, pale with sunken features. I bit my lip, slipping silently out the back door so I wouldn't alert him. Sawyer was asleep already, and would hopefully stay that way for a while. Just long enough for me to do this. 

I shoved my hands in my pockets, walking alone down the long stretch of road that lead away from our house to the main motorway that lead back into the city. I looked around the forest as it closed in the closer I got to the motorway, swallowing. Sometimes I hated being this far out away from people. The forest was creepy at night.

But I had killed men, so what did I have to fear? I didn't want to believe too much in God or an afterlife, obviously, so ghosts and demons were out of the question. Bears or other wildlife? The scariest thing around our house, we were told, were deer. So what, then? Was it just the fear of not knowing, of not having control?

I shook my head to clear my thoughts. Too deep. But I was able to see where the trees cleared now, and hear the hum of a car as it passed on the lonely road at night---

 

\---

 

_"Are you going to have to tell me about the corpse-fucking?" Abbey cut in suddenly._

_I paused, looking to Sutton for confirmation, then nodding to Abbey. "Yes, I'll have to inform you of that. If you have a weak stomach, you might want to grab that trash bin over there." I pointed to the little container with plastic lining in the corner of the room. Abbey eyed it, then turned back around with a certain confidence that can only be driven from not wanting to be proven wrong. Ego-fueled. "I'll be fine, I just wanted to make sure. I'm going to have to say a few hail mary's in the booth later." He joked. I smiled, but I knew he confidence would be ripped apart shortly._

 

\---

 

I stopped at the edge of the greyish pavement, looking both directions before stepping out into the middle of the road. There didn't seem to be anyone coming, and all I could hear was the wind through the trees currently. I sat down in the middle, thinking hard about my next plan of action.

Stopping a car was first on my list. But how? I didn't want to risk standing in the road and having them not see me, and just mowing me over. Although, what was I doing currently? Despite that, stopping a car would be needed. I could just stand on the side and wave frantically until some lonely night drifter stopped. And then what? I had no weapons, just my hands. If they decided I was an easy target to mug and murder, then I would likely be defeated, and that would not help Dan at all. Damn, a lot of these options were ending in my death. 

There was the distant sound of a car's motor coming up the motorway, so I quickly scrambled off to the side and watched. The car came around the corner at a relatively slow speed. It was small. Not a truck or a semi. I could hear my heart beating, threatening to break through my ribs. Well, now was better than never, right?

I jumped out on the edge of the road, frantically waving my arms at the oncoming car. I could see the break lights coming on behind the vehicle, bathing the road behind it in red. I took a step back as the car passed me, but pulled over on the side of the road. I could see the inside illuminated briefly as the door opened. There was only one person, excellent. He got out, walking around his car. "You okay?" He called to me, squinting to see me in the dark.

My eyes had been adjusted for a while now, so I could see him perfectly. Short, but bulky. Messy dark hair with some light stubble on his face. I may have had the height advantage, but I didn't know that I could take him down. 

"I'm sorry- I just-" I didn't have to fake my nerves, and it made me sound worried and afraid, like something bad had happened. I watched the expression on the man's face change to concern.

"S'alright." He said quickly. "Just tell me what happened."

"My husband," I blurted, the first thing coming to my mind, "I think he's sick- He's just laying on the ground, and he won't stop shaking. Please, my phone isn't working and I just- He needs help, God, please."

The man looked around quickly as though he expected to see him laying around there in the road. "Where is he?"

"My house," I said quickly, pointing back down the road. "I know, it's creepy to ask you to come back, but I couldn't move him, so I just ran out here. I'm so-"

He motioned for me to follow him. "Get in the car." He said simply.

A good Samaritan, what were the odds? I climbed into the passenger side and was actually shaking as we flipped around and drove down the dirt road back towards the house. We made it in a far shorter time than my walking had accomplished, and I started to panic. We were going to burst into the house and Dan was going to be fine, and I would have to think on my feet. Take him out before he got any chance to understand what was happening. Fuck, this might be more trouble than it was worth. And what if Dan didn't want to kill anymore after what happened with the police? Oh god, I did not think this through, I did not think this through. I had never been the one to do the actual luring of a victim, that was all Dan. He knew how to do this, not me. I just shut up and did what I was told. I was stepping way, way out of line and that scared me more than trying to figure out how I was going to make this all work.

"Has your husband ever hand a seizure before?" The man asked quickly as we pulled to a stop in front of the house. 

I shook my head and climbed out with him. "No, never. I just...I came down to bring him up to bed, and I found him like that. I have no idea..."

He didn't say anything, just jogged up the steps with me close behind and threw open the door.

Dan was there, on the ground, not moving.

My breath caught in my throat. 

He wasn't moving. I couldn't tell if he was breathing. Time slowed down as I simply stared at his shape on the floor, while the man I picked up on the side of the road rushed over to kneel beside him.

No, no, no. What was happening? He was fine when I left him. Well, sort of. I took steps that felt far to slow towards him, his name catching in my throat and threatening to strangle me.

The man bent his head over Dan, pressing his ear to Dan's chest. I saw his eyes widen for a second, and looking back, it must have been because he could hear Dan's heart pounding. I froze in my steps when I saw Dan's eyes snap open, and his arm raised from beside him.

A gleam in the dim moonlight pouring in from outside. The poor man only had time to sit up, which ultimately lead to his downfall. Dan brought the gleaming knife to the man's throat swiftly, slicing it with surprising ease.

The blood went everywhere, spattering the floor and furniture, and covering Dan in little droplets of deep red. Fortunately, with his throat sliced, the man could not scream. He grabbed at the woad feebly, making wet choking noises while he stared in horror between Dan and I.

Dan pushed himself up to standing, kicking the man over and straddling his squirming body. He raised the knife with both hands, then brought it down hard and fast several more times than needed to finally end him. I watched in something of a daze, unable to truly comprehend what I was seeing. It all happened way too fast. Before I knew it, Dan was done stabbing and just sat there breathing hard while staring down at the corpse. He turned his head slowly to look at me, and he wasn't the scared Dan I knew anymore. He was whatever took over him while he committed these deeds. Darkest eyes and expression that made him almost unrecognizable. 

"You're lucky," He panted, his voice a deep growl in his throat. "So fucking lucky I went to go see what you were doing. So lucky, Phil, that I knew what you must have been doing when I saw you gone." He stood up, looking at the knife in his hand and then at me. "You've put us all at risk bringing this here."

"I just..." I started, intimidated by his glare. "I just wanted to...I wanted..."

"I know what you wanted." His voice suddenly turned sickeningly sweet as he took a step towards me. "But you're an idiot. My idiot, with a big heart. I appreciate what you tried to do, I know you love me. You love me enough to bring me some fresh meat. You're considerate, and I love that about you. My sweet, thoughtful Phil." He walked over to me, wrapping his bloody arms around me and kissing me softly for a few seconds. I was put at ease, though I probably shouldn't have been. 

He pulled his mouth away after a few moments, smiling up at me. "But you're going to have to be punished. You know that, right?" He asked sweetly. I stared at him, hoping he didn't mean that he was going to beat the shit out of me. But I saw the lust in his eyes, and I knew he had something sexual in mind. 

"I deserve it." I admitted in a soft voice. Dan broke out into a grin, ruffling my hard and pulling me towards the fresh corpse. 

"Help me take him outside." He said, getting on one side of the body while I got on the other. I lifted under his arms while Dan took the legs and we moved him slightly clumsily outside onto the lawn. I looked at him laying in the grass, then over at his car, shrugging my shoulders. "What should we-"

"Wait here." Dan commanded, then turned and walked back into the house. I watched from the outside as a few lights flicked on while he moved through the house. 

I glanced down again at the corpse whose blood was soaking into our lawn, frowning a little bit. "Sorry." I said, offering him a little smile. His sightless eyes stared up at the sky, mouth slightly agape. My smile faded, and I looked away from him awkwardly.

Dan returned with a few small items in his hands, and I could already guess what they were. Some amounts of lube and condoms, most likely. I tried not to stare too long, just wanted to do what I was told to avoid pissing him off further. But there was something so thrilling about him telling me off, and commanding me to punishment. I was excited for whatever he was about to make me do.

"Bad boys don't get anything, they just have to watch. But if you sit there and do as you're told, I'll think about giving you something." His tone was dark, slightly taunting. I swallowed thickly and nodded, sitting on the ground and watching Dan maneuver the corpse onto it's back. I had an idea of what he might do, but actually seeing him go about it made my mouth go dry. Surely he wouldn't really...?

But he did, he did really. He spread the legs of the corpse, and I watched as he slid a condom along his length--

 

\---

 

_Abbey's chair moved back with a scrape, and he quickly grabbed the trash can before sitting down again. I noticed he was pale and sweating, and I cut off my words. "I...I'm sorry, I was told to retell everything..."_

_Sutton gave the lawyer a disapproving look. "Since we finally got you a lawyer, he is supposed to be here for every interaction we have. If he doesn't learn to sit quietly and just listen..."_

_"Can we just...Skip the graphic details? I mean, I've heard every gruesome form of murder, but this is just...This is sick, this is very wrong. How can you just sit here and listen to this?" He looked at Sutton with a confused expression, pulling a little handkerchief out of his pocket and dabbing his forehead._

_Sutton shrugged, though his expression was slightly annoyed. "I guess I have a stronger stomach than you. Listen, this is all very important to my understanding of Phil, and you need to know exactly what went down."_

_Abbey looked at the ceiling, and I swear to God he muttered a prayer._

_"I could water it down a bit," I offered, "Still tell you what happened, leave out a lot of the details. Focus more on how I felt about it...I mean, besides sexual arousal."_

_"Please." Abbey wheezed._

_I looked at Sutton, and he sighed, looking down at his notes and nodding. "Whatever makes this go faster. Abbey, I don't think you should attend any more meetings after this and just let me relay the information to you. You're interfering greatly."_

_"You don't have to tell me twice." Abbey muttered. "Sorry, Phil. I didn't mean to make you feel like...I don't even know."_

_"I get it." I said truthfully. "I'm sorry. I'll go about this differently. You're still going to have to hear some things you might not like."_

_"Resume detail when you talk about how you disposed of the corpse." Sutton instructed, and I nodded to him._

 

_\---_

Dan had sexual intercourse with the corpse, and all I could do was watch. I didn't want to, but I was afraid of what would happen if I looked away. I don't know why this was bugging me so much, but it made my stomach churn. I didn't want Dan to be defiling what he had already desecrated with a knife. I guess watching it from the outside without being distracted by sexual pleasure was making me realize just how truly fucked up it was. Dan had told me to just sit and watch, and I did. He didn't have to worry about my hands wandering and breaking the rules, I was far from turned on.

Once he finished, he panted, looking me up and down. "What's the matter?" He asked, narrowing his eyes. 

I shrugged my shoulders a little, searching quickly for an excuse. I came up with what I thought would get me off the hook as painlessly as possible. "This wasn't for my enjoyment, it was for yours. I just wanted you to feel good again, to feel powerful. Tonight is all about you." 

Dan took it, relaxing into a sleepy smile. "You're too good to me." I said softly, putting his pants back on before crawling over to me and curling up in my lap. I held him, my bloody mess, and stared at the man on the ground in front of us. 

"How are we gonna get rid of him?" I asked softly. I probably should have thought of it before. But Dan was starting to doze, and I sure as hell couldn't do this alone.

He opened his eyes, yawning. "I'll show you. Can you help me move him again?"

I nodded. Dan shifted out of my lap, walking over to the dead man and fishing his keys out of his pockets. He looked at the car, clicking the button to unlock the trunk, then returning to the body.

We carefully moved him and set him in the trunk. I looked at Dan, who pointed to the passenger seat. It was weird to be back in the car, this time with my sleepy husband driving us back down the road. He parked just before the motorway and looked over to me. "Find a rock. A heavy one." He told me, then climbed out of the car, leaving the driver side open. 

I didn't ask, didn't argue. I knew by now that it was just better to do as I was told. I searched off the side of the road until I found what I thought would be a good stone, carrying it awkwardly back to the car.

By the time I was back, Dan had moved the car actually on to the motorway in the correct lane, and the corpse was sitting in the driver's side. He stood outside the open door, smiling at me as I approached. "Put it in drive. Put the rock on the gas pedal, sweetie, then step back fast as you can." He moved to the other side of the road, watching me carefully.

I looked ahead on the road. It took a curve not too far up, and if this car went at full speed towards it, it would probably crash pretty hard and mangle everything inside. 

"What if it doesn't drive straight and goes off the road?" I asked, pulling back out of the car and looking at Dan. 

He frowned, shrugging. "Maybe...Maybe position his hands on the steering wheel?" He offered. I looked at his limp hands, then back to Dan and shook my head. He sighed. "Then we just hope, Phil."

"Good enough for me." I turned back, pressing on the break with one hand while shifting the car into drive. I carefully rolled the rock on to the gas, and it made a horribly loud noise. I jumped back as fast as I could, managing to shut the door just before it took off down the road. It peeled out, leaving a little trail of smoke as it barreled down the empty pavement. Dan came and stood by me. We watched as the car reached a ridiculous speed in a short amount of time with the pedal pressed all the way to the floor. He linked his fingers with mine and rested his head on my shoulder. The car did swerve some, but it was probably from the body flipping around inside and hitting the steering wheel. It managed to stay mostly on the path before going off the curve and barreling straight into a tree. We couldn't see it too well at this distance with the darkness, but we could definitely hear it shatter. If that didn't take care of things, nothing would.

Dan smiled to himself. "Cool." He said.

"Cool." I agreed.

We started to cross the road, when a small explosion stopped us in our tracks. We looked over to where the car was, and apparently it had caught on fire, igniting the gas take. Dan and I exchanged looks. 

"You phone the police, I'm gonna cover up what I can of the blood and wash up." Dan suggested.

"Okay," I agreed, looking back over at the slowly spreading fire before we walked hand in hand back towards our house.

 

\---

 

_Abbey looked calmer at least, but there was a look on his face that I could only describe as disturbed. I shrugged my shoulders. "The police came, and all that was left was a skeleton and melted metal. He was barely salvageable. The police talked to us for a second, but we didn't have much to offer. We just heard the explosion. Or, that's what we told them. I guess it was concluded that he fell asleep at the wheel."_

_"What about the rock? Didn't they find that? Didn't look suspicious to them?" Abbey asked._

_"Nothing was ever said about a rock. It might have fallen through the floor when the car burnt down, or maybe there were several things lodged in the car of that manor that it didn't seem suspicious. I really don't know. They didn't say anything." I looked at him. "Look, I know that I don't deserve to be let free...but I hope that you'll stick with my case."_

_Abbey ran a hand over his face, taking a deep breath. "Honestly, Phil? No, you deserve to be locked up for the rest of your life. But this is my job. Sometimes I gotta help even if it goes against everything I believe in. Look, I may not agree with Sutton that you're stable, but I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that the situation ends in your favor. I can't guarantee that you will get off completely free. I can play off of the fact that you didn't technically murder most of those people, but you're still being charged with one and we can't avoid that."_

_Sutton scowled. "They're really charging him with that? God, I feel like that death was justified. His only moment of clarity." He looked at me sympathetically._

_"I agree, but they're desperate to lock him up for anything. So that's going to have to be our main focus, because they will ride that until the end." Abbey said grimly, looking at me. "We may just have to go with an insanity plea, honestly. I think we have plenty of evidence of that..."_

_"He's not insane, I want him free." Sutton interjected firmly._

_They went off into a heated debate, but I was stuck in confusion. I waited for them to argue for a solid fifteen minutes, then found a lull in the conversation where I could speak up._

_"Who's murder am I being charged with?" I asked, looking between the both of them. I didn't kill anyone, it was all Dan. "Was it the girl that we tortured in the shed? Because he pushed my hand. I mean, I guess I can see how that counts..."_

_A long, drawn out silent feel between all three of us. They stared at me for what felt like an eternity._

_"The murder, Phil. The only one you committed outright." Abbey prompted._

_I looked at him in confusion. "But I didn't...What are you talking about?"_

_I heard Sutton gasp, and I looked to him quickly. "Oh Phil, oh god." He whispered. "They told me you remembered...Oh my god, oh my god."_

_What the fuck? Was I missing something? I thought back through the other murders just before our capture. No, none of those were me. All Dan. And the capture itself...That was the end of it. We were both taken away, we couldn't have possibly done anything past that._

_"Is there a murder I'm not remembering?" I asked, a little surprised. Was it really that bad? "Tell me about it, maybe I'll remember it."_

_Abbey and Sutton exchanged a look. Abbey nodded. "He needs to know what we're fighting against."_

_Sutton turned to me, and he just looked so sad it nearly broke my heart. The pity in his eyes brought tears to my own. "What happened?" Immediately, I thought of the worst. Had I killed an officer when being taken away? Had I killed Sawyer? Oh god, the thought was enough to make me feel like I was going to have to take the trash bin from Abbey._

_To my surprise, Sutton took my hand in both of his and held it tightly. "Phil...God dammit, there's just no easy way to put this..."_

_"Then don't put it easy," I said quickly, squeezing his hand back in anticipation. "Just tell me, please. Who did I kill?"_

_He didn't get the change to tell me. The door opened suddenly, and the head doctor of the facility barged in with two guards just behind him. I had only met him once, and he introduced himself simply as Julian. We all jumped, and Abbey stood up, going red in the face again with anger. "You can't just barge in here, this is sensitive information to my client! We are trying to-"_

_"It's time for Phil to come back." Julian seethed, nodding to the guards behind him. They advanced on me. Sutton tried to pull me away from them, but they grabbed me by my arms and forced me against the nearest wall. I felt the familiar tightness of cuffs being locked around my wrists._

_"This is ridiculous!" Sutton snapped, striding over to Julian while the guards forced me to whirl around and waiting for further instruction. "We're in the middle of a session, you can't deny him this!"_

_"A half of an hour is all I am required to give him, and it's been well over that." Julian replied simply. "I would have been more lenient if you had followed the rules. Taking a mentally unstable man out of the facility with no warning, no guards and no proper precautions. Arthur, that's just stupid! These are my patients, ultimately, not yours! And yes, I've been letting you call the shots with him. But no more. He's going to be under stricter regulations from now on._

_Sutton opened his mouth to argue, then snapped it shut and settled on glaring at Julian. He was right, Julian was the one in control. He looked at me, his expression melting into an apologetic look. I tried to smile, but I was terrified. I was going to be treated like a fucking time bomb with no timer again. I didn't know when I would see Sutton again. But he knew something that I didn't._

_"Who was it?" I asked him, struggling against the guards as they tried to force me out the door. Julian held up a hand to stop them, letting me talk to him for just a few seconds longer._

_Sutton took off his glasses, and suddenly I was facing just a man again, not my doctor. More like the one who sat up with me in my room in pajamas and messy hair as we both fought to stay awake. He took a step towards me, wrapping his arms around me for a brief second. I blinked in shock. I couldn't exactly embrace him back, so I just leaned in, staring at the ground behind him._

_"Please don't ask around," He whispered, his voice thick with emotion. "Let me be the one to tell you, okay? It's going to be alright."_

_"But who was it? Does Dan know?" I looked at him as he pulled away._

_He just stared me in the eyes. "It's going to be okay." He repeated again._

_Tears sprang to my eyes as I was pulled away. I looked at him and Abbey over my shoulder until I couldn't see them anymore._


	7. Chapter Six

_"I'm not talking to you." I stared down at the table, upon which were folded unfamiliar hands. They were shielding the notes in familiar handwriting from my eyes, like I didn't have any clue what was on them, like Sutton and I weren't open and honest with each other._

_The hands tapped impatiently against the table. "I didn't expect you to, but that's going to make for a very long, awkward half hour my friend."_

_"I'm not your friend," I lifted my eyes, following those horrible tapping hands up to the face. Julian. "And Sutton never constricted time." I wanted to know just what this bastard did with my therapist, but he had been casually avoiding the topic since I came in. I stared at him, hard, wishing I could slap that indifferent look off of his face. But..._

_"That straight jacket really looks nice on you, brings out your eyes." Julian taunted, but his voice remained subtle. I pulled at the straps uncomfortably. They were beginning to dig into my skin under my arms and on my rib cage. But complaining would make no difference to Julian. In fact, it would just make him feel like he did a good job. My pain and suffering was his only goal since he had found out just how relaxed Sutton was with me._

_For a moment, I let my cold exterior fall as I returned my eyes to the table, back to the hands, away from the eyes. If I didn't look him in the eyes, then he couldn't hurt me, no matter what I said. "I just want Sutton." I said softly. "He's the only one who..."_

_"Let's you get away with being treated as a normal person?" Julian said, his tone icy. "Yes, I feel so sorry for you. Getting treated as a patient who is mentally unstable. As you are supposed to be." I went quiet, and he started flipping through the notes, shaking his head lightly. With Sutton, I felt like I was telling my story, and he was listening and accepting it for fact. Watching Julian read over it, I had never felt more judged in my life. Which was saying a lot, considering the whole world knew of my and Dan's story, and had plenty of room to judge._

_"I don't know what exactly to classify you as. You definitely show traits leaning towards psychopath, being your environment seemed to create you. And then again, you formed bonds with Dan and his brother. Seem to be capable of feeling guilt. You're a special type of unstable, Phil Lester." Julian set the papers down and stared at me. "I could learn a lot from studying you. Good thing you'll be staying here a while."_

_"No," I said, hating how pathetic my voice sounded. "No, no. Abbey is going to get me out. Sutton is going to help. I'm not going to stay here. I'm getting out, and then I'm getting Sawyer, and we're going to wait for Dan." I kept my features neutral, but I could feel the tears starting to form._

_Julian raised an eyebrow at me. "You're delusional. There's no way you can live out that little fantasy."_

_"Shut up." I snapped._

_"You don't seem to understand the situation-"_

_"Shut up!" I stood up, rattling the table and making Julian edge back in his seat._

_"One more word," I threatened, leaning in over the table to glare Julian down into his seat. "One more word and I swear to God, I will rip your throat out with my teeth before you have time to call for help."_

_Julian swallowed, eyes darting to the door, then back to me._

_"Try it," I growled in a low voice. I hardly recognized myself. "Go on. Make my fucking day."_

_He slowly shut his mouth, watching me warily. I waited for about 30 seconds, not moving from where I stood over him to make my point. Slowly, I eased back down into my chair, glaring at him from under my dark fringe._

_Clearing his throat, he piled the papers back together neatly and returned them to their proper folder. "I think we're done here."_

 

_\---_

"Why did they question us?!"

Dan was pacing the kitchen floor back and forth, his voice high with panic. The cops had just left our house only five minutes ago. Sawyer wasn't woken, thank God. That would have made the night even messier.

We called the cops of course, reporting a loud crash and a smoke rising from the motorway by our house. They arrived, taking care of the fire and managing to keep the surrounding forest from going up in flames. Since we had been the ones to report the call, of course the police came and did light questioning. 

"It's alright, they don't suspect anything." I soothed, grabbing his wrist and making him stop his pacing. He looked at me, his small frame trembling. Dammit, no matter what I did, he was always reverting back to this. To this quivering boy. I just wanted his smile, his confidence. I wanted him to be happy.

"Listen to me," I said softly, pulling him towards me and wrapping my arms around him. He relaxed a little, nuzzling his face into the side of my neck and letting out a little sigh. "They just asked what we had heard and saw, just so that they could piece together a story. It's alright, we're safe. I promised I would keep you safe, didn't I? And I will. I always will. You and Sawyer are the most important people to me."

Dan gripped the sides of my shirt gently, his shaking subsiding as my words calmed him down. "You're right," he murmured, "I'm sorry. I just...I'm so scared, Phil, I'm so scared all the time...What have I done?"

His shaking returned. I pulled back just enough to place my forehead against his. "You didn't do anything, love. This one is on me."

"The others," his words were quick, rushed. He was panicking. "God, Phil, I've dragged you into so much. This whole thing could blow up on us at any second."

My eyes widened slightly at this. A moment of clarity? He looked downright terrified, finally acknowledging what we were doing was very, very wrong. It all seemed to be catching up to him.

But I didn't flow with it, try to bring him to make him stop all of this.

I fought it.

Lord, I fought it.

"No, Danny, no. We're safe, it's okay. There's nothing wrong here. They don't know any of this is us, they don't have the slightest clue. Trust me. We're careful. We're wary. We know what we're doing at this point. Even tonight--we got ourselves out of that situation pretty nicely if I do say so myself. And it was all done completely on the fly."

"I don't..." He bit his lip.

"Trust me. You trust me, don't you?"

He looked into my eyes, and my heart melted. I just wanted to protect him from all of this.

"I trust you." He whispered, nodding. "I trust you with my life. With Sawyer's."

I smiled and placed a kiss on the tip of his nose. "Then stop worrying," I chided gently. "I've got you baby, I've got you. We're alright." I pulled him in again, rubbing his back comfortingly. 

Dan held on to me tightly, his shoulders barely trembling now.

"Sing that song I like?"

I vaguely remembered one time when we first started dating and we were alone in my car. The song came on, and I couldn't help but sing along. I was not a good singer, I didn't even know what the "keys" were to stay on. But Dan looked at me like he suddenly realized he was in love with me, and that might have been the moment I realized too.

From then on out, it was kind of "our song". We would hear it, and both break out into song, no matter what we were doing. Made for interesting car rides and shopping trips. Even Sawyer could stumble through some of the lyrics along with us. 

I laughed softly and kissed the top of his head. "Don't laugh at me, I'm rusty on my singing."

Dan giggled. "I love it. Sing for me."

" _Look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and everything you do. Yeah, they were all yellow._ "

It's a song everyone has heard, and probably know most of the lyrics without ever having actually searching for the song on their own. It's in the back of most people's minds, somewhere. 

And even though it's been overplayed and worn out over the years, it's still ours. Dan is grinning against my skin, and I'm swaying slightly as I sing. Not well, but it doesn't need to be well. It's for him, and that's what matters.

 

\---

 

_I wake up with a start, the lyrics to our song still dancing around in my head. I stare at the ceiling for a moment, and then the heartache sets in. I miss him, I miss so much. I turn over on my side, curling into a ball and sobbing quietly into my sheets. Down the hall, that same patient starts screaming again. I almost join her._

_I have to find him._

_No one could get me the answers I needed, not even Sutton. I needed to hear from Dan. Did he love me? And who did I kill? How could we escape this nightmare?_

_I would find a way to break him out of where ever he was, I didn't care. I would kill as many people as I needed. They were all disposable when it came to getting Dan back._

_The time seemed to drag on and on as I waited for the nurse to fetch me for breakfast. When she finally did open the door, she was standing there with the familiar restraining fabric in her hands. "Ready to eat?" She asked me chipperly._

_I narrowed my eyes at her. "Julian." I demanded simply._

_She looked at me, sizing me up, and then decided that it would be better if she didn't try to take on a man who was criminally insane. "One moment love." She said sweetly, closing the door in my face and shuffling away down the hall._

_I paced as I waited around 15 minutes before the door to my room opened again, and Julian stepped inside. "Is there something wrong?" He asked, the air of arrogance once again in his voice. I noted that it was only because he now had two strong-looking male nurses standing outside in the hall, ready to help should I try to feast on his throat._

_Pulling the fabric of my shirt over my head, I shook my hair out of my eyes as I lifted up my arms. Julian looked mildly startled, then looked closer at the marks on my body. Along my ribs and under my arms where the jacket pulled too tightly were raw and red. "Would be a shame if my lawyer saw these." I said levelly. "He could report you for mistreatment of patients. If I keep wearing it, and don't let the wounds heal..."_

_Yes, the jacket had rubbed me in certain spots, but I had devised a plan last night to scratch said areas and make it look worse than it was. It hurt, but it would be worth it to be free of that fabric death trap._

_Julian scoffed, turning away from me. "Put your fucking clothes on. You don't have to wear it, but you do have to be cuffed."_

_"Around the front." I said, "Otherwise I can't eat."_

_Julian stared at me long and hard. I casually ran a hand over my wounds, watching the defeat show in his eyes smugly. I pulled my shirt back on, then held my hands out with an innocent smile. "Cuff me."_

_I was properly cuffed and held at the elbow on each side as I was lead down the hallway and towards the eating area. As I entered, I saw Troye sitting in the corner by the window, like usual. He spotted me, holding up his little dish of oranges and making a disgusted face. I grinned and gave him a little thumbs up, signalling that I would retrieve the apples for him._

_I got my food, and was allowed to walk freely over to the young boy and sit across from him. "Trade?" I asked._

_"Yes!" He said happily, switching our side dishes and picking up a slice of apple. I watched him, smiling a little distantly. He was doing so much better, even I could see that. He was attentive, and looking around the room like he was just noticing it for the first time. "I'm going to miss it here." He said after  a moment of chewing._

_"I'm going to miss you." I said, the smile fading from my lips._

_Troye looked at me and frowned. "I'll miss you too. I'll come visit though, and I'll bring you oranges. Fresh ones from the outside."_

_"I'll save you my apples." I laughed a little, and Troye smiled sadly._

_"I think you'll join me one day out there." Troye's expression was so serious my smile dropped from my face. "I really do. I don't know how you'll get out, but you will. And when you do, come find me. Deal?"_

_I nodded slowly, taken aback by his sudden intensity. "Thank you, Troye."_

_He relaxed a little, shrugging and leaning back, focusing again on his apples._

_Even with all the shit in my past he knew about, he was willing to take me as I was._

_The thought brought the burning question to the front of my mind. "Hey Troye? Do you know where Dan went, by chance?"_

_Troye jumped a little, staring at me for a long time. "You don't know?"_

_I shook my head, blinking at him._

_He ran a hand through his curls, letting out a little sigh. He stared out the window for a few moments, seeming to decide on how to tell me what he was going to tell me. I leaned forward a little, watching him urgently._

_"You..." He paused, looked at me, then frowned. "I don't want to...Get you all wound up. If you truly don't know..."_

_"Please," I said quickly, "Please, Troye, he's...He's my everything. I need to know."_

_Troye nodded slowly. "I understand." He said softly. He looked at the guards, around the room. He leaned in a little. His eyes connected with mine, then traveling down to his hand that was resting on the edge of the table. I followed his eyes, watching as one slender finger pointed to the ground._

_"Down there." He mouthed._

_I didn't quite follow for a second. Underground...?_

_But it hit me. I slowly raised my eyes back up to his. "Down...Down there...?"_

_Troye nodded, resting a hand over mine. "It's been quite some time, I didn't realize nobody told you. Are you okay?"_

_"Okay?" I breathed, then broke out into a grin. "Okay? Troye, he's been in the basement level this whole time and I had no idea! He's so close, I could just-"_

_Troye opened his mouth, but I stood up and looked around the room. I knew I had seen an stairway leading to the basement that had a key-pass access only lock on it. I was pretty sure it was just on the other end of the patients rooms. I walked into the middle of the room, staring down the hallway I had just been lead from. A glowing light hanging above the ceiling read "STAIRS", pointing to a door on the left side of the hall. I laughed a little, feeling tears rush into my eyes and slip down my cheeks. He was just over there, my baby was just pas that door._

_"Phil, no! Please don't- Don't, you're being stupid! Hey, listen to me! It's not-" I heard Troye call after me as I started to walk towards the doorway. But I couldn't register his words, all I saw was that glowing light like a ray of heavenly light. I followed it, my feet moving on their own and my heart racing._

_Until I was promptly blocked by the two nurses that had brought me here._

_"Where do you think you're going?" He asked gruffly, grabbing my arm and holding me back._

_"The stairs," I responded breathlessly._

_The other nurse looked over his shoulder, then back to me. "I think it's time to take you back to your room."_

_I let them take me. I couldn't just go running there now, what was I thinking? I followed along limply, my eyes never leaving the door and the light as we move slowly down the hall. I would turn right to go into my room about half way down the hall, so close and yet, so far._

_As my room was being unlocked, the door to the stairs clicked as it was being opened. I perked up, watching who exited closely._

_Julian. He had a box in his arms, probably full of patient files of the ones kept below. He looked at me, narrowing his eyes slightly before turning away and moving through the next locked door to the offices where I had my sessions with Sutton._

_He had a key._

_I just needed to get it off of him._


	8. Chapter Seven

_I tried to wait. I tried to wait for Sutton to tell me what was missing from my brain, but the waiting game was too excruciating when I knew that the only thing separating Dan and I anymore was a floor. There was a point where I thought that maybe I should just take a chair and start breaking through the floor. But that would attract too much attention to myself._

_Not that what I was about to do wasn't going to do just that._

_I sat on the edge of my bed, watching the moonlight seep in from the square window. Stared at the square floor, on the edge of my square bed. My leg bounced up and down lightly as I waited in nervous anticipation. I had to make sure that it was deep enough into the night. I didn't have a clock, but I could count. I had been counting ever since 5 o'clock when I was returned to my room for the night. I couldn't be too sure what time it was because after hours of repeating the same short span of numbers in my head, they would get jumbled and meaningless, and my mind would wander._

_But from what I was guessing, it was somewhere around 2 o'clock in the morning. Even if I wasn't right on the dot, it was close enough. Whatever the time, it was late, and most of the nurses had gone home for the night, save the two that patrolled the halls. I stood up, moving to the center of my room and stared up at the ceiling._

_I screamed._

 

_\---_

 

"One more time, run this by me." I said as Dan sped off towards the setting sun. "You want to kill more than one person in one night?"

"Yes," Dan confirmed, his eyes alight with excitement. "I mean, we already know taking down one person is easy. We've done it loads of times. But what about two? Or even three? Can you imagine how much fun that would be?"

I smiled at him a little bit. "Fun? I suppose." My smile faded. "I'm not saying I don't like the idea, sweetheart, I'm just saying that it's risky. We haven't even planned any of this out. And my mum is at our house right now, waiting with Sawyer. I mean...There's just so much to..."

Dan looked over at me, and I almost reminded him to keep his eyes on the road. But the look on his face shut me up really fast. "We never plan this out." He reminded me, turning his head finally back to the road. We sat in silence for a second, then Dan looked at me again. "Don't you trust me?"

Did I?

"Of course I do."

Maybe I didn't. But at this point it was easier to just fling myself in and hope for the best than to fight him. Plus, I didn't really want to get on his bad side and find myself on the other end of his knife.

That jarred me a little. Fuck, I was scared of Dan. Maybe not entirely, but there was a fear of him. I knew he could blow up at any second, and had no assurance that he wouldn't turn his murderous rage towards me. I leaned away from him in my seat, just a little bit. He didn't notice.

"Good," He said quickly. "I know precisely what we can do. No one will know until it's way too late." He grinned, and the sight of it turned my stomach. I had the strangest desire to start sobbing right then. I was terrified, and that fact was drilling into my brain and setting off mental alarms that I thought had died a long time ago. 

I helped him murder. I helped him take lives. I _defiled_ those lives to fill some sort of sexual desire. Was it even my sexual desire, or was I letting Dan control me in that aspect as well? I could feel my skin break out into goosebumps. Why now of all times did it have to start kicking in that this whole thing was completely mental?

Dan looked over at me and frowned. "You okay?" He asked, his voice soft and sweet like the Dan who showed during the day time, when he wasn't covered in blood. "You look pale."

"Car sick, sorry. It'll pass." I said quickly, forcing a little smile. Dan's eyes filled with love, and he tutted softly, sliding a hand down and grasping mine on my thigh. "Silly man, can't even take a ten minute ride without getting sick."

Only ten minutes? We hadn't been driving all that long, and he was already pulling the car over. I recognized the dirt road twisting away through the trees as the one that lead to where David and his family lived.

That night, on the porch. Pressing Dan's squirming body down into a pile of carnage that once was my best friend. I tried so hard not to look into those sightless eyes, but I had glanced up and saw them once. It stayed in the back of my mind.

For a brief moment I really thought I was going to throw up. I pressed my face against the window, shutting my eyes tightly. "Why are we here?" I asked softly.

Dan blinkered, then turned down the dirt road. He didn't respond for a few moments. "Why do you think, Phil?"

 

\---

 

_"What's wrong?" The nurse wouldn't enter my room. He stood at the door, looking at me with a slightly dazed expression that told me he had just woken up. I lowered my chin and stared at him, my breathing ragged. "Julian. I need Julian." I said, my voice trembling. I didn't have to fake it too much, I really was shaking. A familiar feeling was entering me, making my mind and heart race in perfect sync. I hadn't felt it in a while._

_The nurse blinked. "I can't just...He's sleeping, Philip. What can I help you with?"_

_Fuck. No, I would get him here. My body stilled, and I leaned  in a little. I watched the nurse's expression slowly turn to fear as I took a step forward. "Julian." I said in a low, menacing tone. "I don't want your help. Get him before I rip your face off and wear it, you fucking-"_

_"Okay, okay." He said quickly, retreated to the door and giving a quick, "Getting him." Before the door shut._

_I relaxed a little, leaning back and looking at the window. I caught sight of my reflection in the glass, barely recognizing the man staring back at me and jumping a little._

_My expression...I looked just like Dan._

 

_\---_

 

Reasoning with Dan would be pointless. It always was, I just had never tried. I just knew. I stared down the deeply forested road, the dread growing to an unbearable amount. I was half tempted to open the door and try and make a break for it, but I did not want to be wandering through a forest trying to escape my boyfriend, who definitely had it in him to kill.

"Dan," I said softly, "These people are our friends."

Dan snorted. "David was. Kind of. Who cares, Phil? They're just some hippie fucks out in the woods. They do drugs and sing all day...What good are they to society anyway?"

"That's his family." My voice kept shrinking, as I did back into my seat."

Dan got louder, bigger. "Well then what do you suggest?" I didn't like it when his voice got snappy like that. "Because I'm shit out of ideas that won't get us arrested. This is the last one we can do freely before we have to start really watching it. Got it?"

"Mum could wake up." I uttered, ignoring him. "She could wake up, and she would know we're gone, and when the police find a bunch of sexually violated corpses in the forest...They'll wonder, it's right by our house...So risky..."

I lurched as Dan suddenly slammed on the breaks, sending dust flying all around the car. I clutched my seat belt, slowly moving my eyes to meet Dan's glaring brown ones. 

His mouth formed each word clearly and firmly. "We are going to do this. We will be home before your mum wakes up. They will find the bodies, but they won't find any evidence of us."

No response from me. He was wrong, I could feel it in my gut. He was so wrong.

"I need you with me on this, I can't do it alone. I don't want to." His voice went from hard to soft, to the Dan I loved. And how could I deny him?

"I'm with you. I just..." I couldn't finish my sentence. Dan waited for a moment to see if I would, then faced ahead and drove the car onward. Each turn of the wheel made my head spin.

We parked a little ways off. Even in the dark, I was fairly familiar with the area. They lived in tents, nice ones that were weather resistant. I know, because I helped pitch them when David first moved his family out here. What was strange was there were a significantly lacking amount of them.

Four peaks of cloth were erected in the middle of a once-full clearing. Dan and I looked at each other, and for once tonight we were on the same page. What was going on here?

We got out and walked slowly towards the tents. No fires were lit. All was dark. I could hear someone from the far tent snoring softly. 

"None of these are David's." Dan whispered. "Did his family leave?"

"I have no idea." Dan said slowly, narrowing his eyes a bit at the tents. "Guess we better ask."

 

\---

 

_Julian opened my door quickly. I searched his body with my eyes until they landed on his key ring attached to his hip. I saw the key card, and my heart twisted a little bit._

_"What on earth are you screaming about?" He hissed, staring me down. "And what has it got to do with me?"_

_"I realized something," I let the faux fear seep back into my voice, and Julian bought into it instantly. "I remembered, I remembered who I killed." I started to cry, and Julian sighed, but let his guard down. He walked towards me._

_"I knew it would come back to you eventually. You realize why we keep you here, now? Why you are too unstable to be let back out into the world?"_

_I nodded, whimpering as I wiped at my eyes and sobbed a little bit more. He took one more step towards me, putting a hand awkwardly on my shoulder. "I'm sorry you had to recall it like this. But it's okay, no one really blames you. It's just the technicality of the justice systems. You'll probably be here for the rest of your life, if you aren't sent to prison. But you see the gravity of your situation, and you could claim insanity..." Now that I was ready to submit, he was ready to get along with me. That snapped something inside my mind. I was so tired of  being everyone's little bitch, just doing what was a convenience to them._

_"I deserve it," I sobbed again, shaking my head before looking up. "Especially the second one..."_

_Julian's eyes widened a little. "Second-? Phil, who else did you kill?"_

_Seeing the fear crawl into Julian's eyes as a grin spread across my face was so indescribably satisfying. Before he could make his body catch up with his brain, I grabbed the back of his head, dragging it down until our faces touched. "Nothing personal." I said, chuckling and dragging my tongue across his cheek._

_"Phil-"_

_I brought the hand holding his head down swiftly to my right, smacking his temple against the metal edge of my bed. His knees buckled, making him kneel in front of me. I stared down at him with a hard glare. "This is for being a prick." I said, crashing his head once more into the metal so hard it thumped the other side of the frame into the wall. "And this is for taking my doctor away."  Again, I hit it. I heard a little crack, and Julian let out a pathetic whine. "And this is for tasting horrible."_

_Smack, smack, smack, smack. Harder, harder, harder--_ crack _._

_The commotion drew the attention of the nurses at the end of the hall, understandably. They must have thought it was one of the other patients because it took them fucking long enough to get here. I grabbed the key ring from Julian's hip, admiring his bloody, beaten face twitching slightly as he lay on the square tiles. I swung the keys around on my finger as the two nurses came to an audible halt at my door._

_"Fuck- Oh my God!" One of them screamed. I looked over, smiling sweetly._

_"God's not here, I'm afraid."_

 

_\---_

 

Dan managed to coax one of the remaining people out of the tent. I had met her before, Emily. She was pudgy with wild curls of dark brown hair, and a pretty round face. She may or may not have been incredibly high, as well. It was hard to tell.

"Where did David's family go?" Dan asked once we had her sitting on a log around the cold, empty fire pit. She stared between the both of us hazily, the gears in her head turning so hard I thought I might see smoke pouring from her ears.

"Umm...Well, David went missing. Or left. M'something like that." She spoke so irritatingly slow. I looked at Dan from the corner of my eye, watching his mouth twitch down into a frustrated frown. "'Nd thennn...His wife and kids just, like, left. Back to the city, or whatever...Guess they didn't wanna be free no more..." She took a deep breath. "Went 'nd got the police, they're gonna investigate...I think, maybe. They didn't seem to take her so serious. So others left. 'Nd that's that..."

Dan let out a breath when she finished, shaking his head. "I see." He said softly. "How many of you are left, then?"

She opened her mouth, and her counting took even longer than her speaking. I was about ready to slap her. "Me...Then Ted, Lily. Karissa, Jamie...Then Caden and Laura, the kids." She pointed slowly to each tent as she named off the remaining people. Dan watched her hand closely, and I got the sinking feeling that i knew where this was going. 

"Good, very good." Dan said softly. He stood up, motioning for me to do the same. "Well, thank you Emily. Hope David turns up."

She just nodded, not really taking the cue that we were leaving and just staring at us. Dan made a soft groan of impatience in the back of his throat and I smirked. "Go back to bed." He said bluntly. 

The poor girl jumped, then stood up quickly, the only quick thing she had done so far. "Right, okay. Goodnight." She shuffled back to her tent as we walked back to our car. I got in, much more relaxed than before. They weren't here, so we could probably just go home and forget about it.

I should have known things could never be that easy, though.

"We wait an hour." Dan said as soon as the doors were shut." Make sure they're all asleep. If we ambush them we can probably eliminate them all easily. I've got guns in the back, to take care of the children."

I was in shock. I stared at Dan, my mouth attempting to find words, but none would form on my dry tongue. Dan arched an eyebrow at me. "This is the perfect opportunity. Less people, less hassle. I know I could probably take the two in the tent easily. How many can you take?" He was reaching into the backseat as he spoke, lifting the bottom part of the seat to access the compartment where the spare tire was kept. To the side, there was a thick fabric bag which I knew held the gun he spoke of earlier. Though I had no idea where he got that, or when it got in here. I swallowed thickly. 

"Dan I...I can't kill kids, that's..." 

Dan looked at me sharply. "Look, don't be stupid, we're not doing anything brutal to them. Get them out of the way first, quickly shoot them and go to the other tents. We can't leave them alive, that would assure that we get caught. Think, Phil. Just for one moment, use your head."

That stung. I recoiled, leaning back against the door. Everything was swirling around me so fast.

And then it hit me. This man, the man who had a ring around his finger that bound me to him, was a stranger. I didn't know him, not at all. He wasn't the Dan that 'I knew'. He didn't exist, he was only a mask. I didn't even know the man that lusted after me coated in blood. No, this was the real him. A psychotic killer willing to throw away lives for cheap thrills. An evil person willing to kill children. I did not know him, and I didn't want to. Quietly, I slid my hand over to the doorknob, my heart beating so heavily in my chest I swear he heard it. I pulled it, and it clicked, turning the automatic lights in the car on. I froze.

Dan didn't move, half bent into the back seat, his eyes staring at the bag with the guns in it. He had one of his hands wrapped around a small handgun.

"And where are you going?" He asked, turning his head slowly to look at me. His eyes were no longer familiar. They looked wrong, so wrong I wanted to cry. 

I didn't say anything, and two beats of my heart passed before I slammed myself against the door and stumbled out. I ran as quickly as I could towards the tents. I could hear Dan calling after me, his door opening. Footsteps echoed mine, and I had never been so outright terrified in my entire life. The darkness swirled around my vision. The sun had finally dipped behind the peak of the mountain, turning the sky a rich blue while still barely illuminating my surroundings. I smacked on the first tent I reached, my voice tearing its way up my throat and past my lips.

" _Run! He's going to kill you!_ "

I heard a startled yelp in response, and I took right off to the next tent. I kept screaming, the same words over and over. Run, please. Oh god, he's going to kill you. You're going to die.

Before I made it to the first tent, I turned around to look behind me. I saw two people huddled together, and Dan stood before them with the gun in his hand, eyes full of rage. He looked at me briefly before firing twice. I wished the light had been sucked away before that point so I didn't have to see their blood spraying magnificently as a single piece of metal shattered each of their frames. They fell to the ground, thumping softly, a scream still dying in the man's throat. Dan then turned his attention to me, his eyes looking black from this distance instead of their normal light brown. His lip curled when he saw me. "Don't be fucking stupid." Dan snarled. But I ignored him, I was incredibly fucking stupid. I moved to the third tent and ripped it open.

Two young kids sat up in their bedding, staring at me with wide eyes. "It's okay," I said quickly, holding out a hand to them. I heard three more gunshots behind me outside of the tent, causing the two kids to shriek and start to cry. "Come here, come here. I'm going to make sure you're safe, okay?" One of them, a boy who couldn't have been older than ten, grabbed on to my hand and allowed me to pull him close. The other boy reached for me, but stopped and inhaled sharply, his eyes wide as he stared over my shoulder.

There was no shadow, but I could feel his darkness looming over me.

"Phil."

 

\---

 

_Gouging out someone's eyes with a key is surprisingly difficult to do. When I wielded the longest key on the chain that I took from Julian's belt, it all seemed like a perfectly good idea. But after I had pinned down the male nurse and attempted to stick the key through his eye, I realized how dull they were. I really had to push until there was a little pop, and he screamed out in pain. I was the blood ooze from the socket, my breathing ragged as I brought it down with a swifter force in his second eye, getting a similar response. The blood stuck to my hands and wrists. I yanked the key out, quickly rolling off of the nurse and jumping up to face the second one._

_He was gone. It was just me and the wailing nurse on the floor clutching his face. The second nurse would no doubt be running to the front building and getting the guards. I sighed sharply, peeking out of my door down the hallway to the locked door that held my Dan. I suddenly got a little surge of panic at the thought of seeing him again._

_Would Dan want to see me still?_

_I turned around, facing down the hallway where I heard footsteps fast approaching. I ducked back into my room, waiting behind the bed just out of sight. A man dressed darkly with a shining badge on his chest entered my room, holding a gun at the ready and sweeping the room. He was about to take a step in when the nurse with missing eyes grabbed his pant let, gasping loudly in pain. "Please, help-!" He coughed, pulling on the fabric of the guard's pants. Momentarily, and stupidly, the guard knelt down beside him, trying to stay calm as he viewed the graphic sight. He clutched his radio and started speaking with a shaking voice. "I need backup at the patient's room. We have a nurse with wounds to the eyes. Bleeding heavily. Please hurry-"_

_In the time it took him to babble out those few sentences, I crossed my small room silently and came up behind him, locking my arm around his unsuspecting throat. He move his arms instinctively, dropping his gun out of his reach while he tried to grab at my arm and pull it off. I held on tightly while he struggled and kicked wildly, making harsh gagging sounds. The nurse without eyes started to sob again, whimpering "Oh God" over and over into the otherwise quiet air._

_I held on until the guard stopped flailing around, and I could hear his heartbeat slow down, slipping into unconsciousness. I slowly let him go, laying him gently on the floor. I picked up his discarded gun, looking at the sobbing nurse and sighing. I leaned over and stroked his bloody cheek with the back of my hand. "Shhh," I soothed, "It'll be over soon enough." He made a horrified whimpering sound, and I stood. I padded past him and out into the empty hallway. I could hear some patients in their rooms stirring, calling out questions or starting to panic. They wanted to know what was going on. I strolled down each door, finding the door just across the hall from the stair door and peeked inside._

_Troye was sitting on his bed, looking at the door as though he expected someone to come in and tell him what was happening. When he saw me, he jumped to his feet, rushing to the door and pressing his nose to the glass._

_"No," He mouthed. I couldn't hear him through the glass, but the word was formed on his lips several times. I just smiled at him, waving at him with the gun in my hand as I turned to face the door. I heard him smacking on the glass, shaking the door handle. I knew I wasn't allowed to see Dan, but he was all I wanted right now. I put my hand on the door, lifting the key to the electronic pad._

_\---_

"Let them go."

"Phil, do you want to get caught? It's not worth it. Let me kill them. We can go home and forget about this."

I shifted so the kids were behind me, my chest perfectly exposed to the barrel of his gun. I tried to look fearless, though the terror was eating me alive. I didn't want to die. But I had no right to live, either. "Kill me first, then you can have them." I said quickly.

Dan stared for a long time, his finger never leaving the trigger. For a moment, I saw a break in his expression. He looked truly hurt. "Just- Just let me do this!" he barked back. "I want to help you!"

"And I want to help you." I said, my voice soft. "Let them go, baby. Please."

The scary stranger left, and the mask of the Dan I was familiar with returned. He looked scared, frantic even. His hand trembled, but he didn't lower the gun. "Don't- Please don't make me-" he pleaded quietly. I shook my head, never breaking eye contact with him. "I'm not making you do anything Danny."

He let out a mixture between a sigh and a sob, holding the gun with both hands for a moment, then lowering it slowly. He stared at me with such heartbreak and betrayal, I almost threw the kids to him. But I knew I had to hurt him to stop this. It just needed to be over, I couldn't take it one second more. 

I shifted just slightly, and one of the kids bolted out into the forest, screaming as he went. Dan started like he was going to chase after him, but I stood up and grabbed his wrist. "Stop it!" I lost it, shaking his arm as I yelled at him. "Stop all of this, Dan! This is- This isn't right! Please don't kill anyone else, don't make me kill anyone else! I just want it all to stop, oh please, just...Just let it all be over..." I trailed off, my voice dying as tears started dripping down my cheeks. "This doesn't have to be who you are. I've seen you, the good you, I just want that. I want you, and I want Sawyer. And I want us to be happy for the rest of our lives, together. We just...We need to stop, that's all. Stop killing people."

"Just stop?" Dan scoffed, waving the gun around in a wild gesture. "That's fucking easy for you to say, Phil! You don't know what it's like...Up here." He motioned to his head with the barrel of his gun, and I flinched.

"Tell me then." I pleaded, "Tell me what it's like so I can help you."

He opened his mouth, then slowly let it close. He stared at me like he, too, was seeing the man he married for the first time. He shook his head slowly. "You wouldn't get it," His voice was thick with emotion as tears pooled in his dark eyes. "I could never explain it to you. Ever."

I stared at him helplessly. "Oh Dan." I whispered, my grip relaxing on his wrist. He yanked his arm back and looked away from me, biting his lip while he fought back his tears. I wanted to hug him, hold him and reassure him, but for the first time in my life, I didn't feel safe doing that. So I just stood at a distance, my heart aching for him, but my head holding me back.

And that's when the sirens started. I jumped when I heard the first wail, getting closer at an alarming rate. 

I looked to Dan, who met my eyes, then looked past me at the child still remaining behind me. The boy saw Dan's murderous eyes land on him, letting out a scream as he tried to bolt in the same direction the other had gone. I tried to hold Dan away from him, but Dan grabbed the child and held a gun to his head. He looked at me, challenging me with his eyes. "Do as I say, or he's gone." He threatened. 

Utterly shocked that Dan was now turning against me, my limbs refused to make any movement. "Fuck, Dan!" I exclaimed, but I was helpless and he knew it. With the gun still pressed to the boy's head, he let go of him only for a second to reach into the back of his jeans. He produced a second gun, holding it out to me. "Take this, don't argue. We're getting out of here. If we make it out okay, I set the kid free. So long as he promises not to run his mouth."

A nagging voice in the back of my head told me he was lying, but all I could do was muster up some sort of trust that he would be true to his word. "Alright." I agreed softly, giving the kid an apologetic look. The poor thing just shook and stared at me, his eyes begging for me to save him. By god, I would give it my very best effort.

 

\---

 

_I swiped the key, and the door unlocked. My stomach twisted in nervous knots. But I thought of my Dan, the one with the shining eyes and a big smile. I might actually be greeted by him, considering he's been here for some time probably getting treatment like I was. I reminded myself not to get my hopes too far up, he might still be mad at me for all that mess, for getting us captured. I heard the noises of people approaching, yelling and talking quickly over radios. I slipped inside and shut the door quickly, moving down the dark stairway, not daring to turn on a light to let the guards know where I escaped to._

_Each step downward brought a little more excitement into my steps. The stairs took a turn, rounding on themselves and ending finally on the basement level. Everything was made out of cold concrete, and there was a dim light hanging above the final step. It was all pretty dark looking for a second holding center. But maybe this is where the really bad people went. I took a deep breath, my eyes focused on the light. I kept them trained there until I finally landed on the bottom step. Then, I dared look to my right to peer into the room that held my Danny._

_It was pitch black, I couldn't see anything. I raised the gun, just to bring myself a little comfort._

_\---_

We ran through the forest. Dan was jerking the kid along by his arm, shoving the gun against his head whenever the boy made too much noise while sobbing. 

My own gun felt heavy and horrible in my hands. Even though I knew without pulling the trigger it was harmless, it felt like at any second the slightest touch would send it off. I was sure that I put it into safety mode as I carried it, and yet still kept my fingers clear of the curved metal trigger. 

We were being trailed, that was no secret. I could hear them not far back following our path through the forest. They must have dogs or something. I stopped, making Dan come to a halt and whip around to start yelling at me.

"We can't outrun them." I said desperately before Dan could form any words.

"There's no choice, we have to try." Dan snapped back, shaking the kid a little bit. "We have him, we can use him as a defense."

He kept moving forward, and I followed out of fear for the kid. I knew Dan wasn't past putting a bullet into him at this point, and that was probably my fault for opposing him in the first place. Maybe if I had just done as he said, killing those people, I could have convinced him to let the children go. 

As we moved further, and the sounds of men hot on our trail come closer, Dan started to mutter wildly to himself. "How did they get here so fast? What...Phil's mum- No...The kid who got away, he ran the wrong way...Nothing that way but trees, gonna die anyway...Who then? No one around, made sure of that when we went house hunting...So secluded...Who heard?"

He looked at me suddenly, and I jumped a little. He studied me, then shook his head. "Not him, couldn't have." He said to himself. It was uncanny, it was like he saw right through me.

I thought about it too. He was right, there was nothing around. No one had time to call anyone before they were executed.

And then I saw it, a little ways ahead of us. A single, yellowish light breaking through the trees. David, all that time ago when he came to see us. He mentioned a house being built really close to their property. "God, that new house." I said, my voice hollow. "They must have heard the guns and screaming."

Dan had to think for a while before he caught up with what I was saying. "Fuck!" He hissed, dragging the boy faster to the left, away from the house. I had to follow, stumbling a bit through the dark trees. I couldn't see anything in front of me except for the vague outline of Dan pushing his way through branches and yanking up the kid every time he stumbled.

There was a brief halt as we suddenly found ourselves stepping into deep mud. Dan looked ahead. The trees cleared out, and there was marshy ground ahead of us. "They'll lose our scent this way." He said, his voice lifting a little in excitement. He continued onward, but I stopped, up to my ankles in the thick substance. "Dan, wait. Listen." I said softly.

"What?" He asked, pausing to listen and then glaring at me. "I don't hear anything-"

"Exactly." I breathed. "Dan..."

He waded over to my side, looking back the direction we had come. 

One light, two, three...

About nine lights turned on, bright and harsh, making me squint. All in a line.

"Drop your weapons!" A voice shouted from behind the line. 

We were caught.

 

\---

 

_I stepped hesitantly inside the darkness, feeling around the wall for a light switch. I hit something solid, and knocked over something glass, but didn't feel anything along the wall. The gun shook in my hand. "Dan?" I called softly into the dark. No response._

_Swallowing hard, I kept going forward into the inky blackness. Why the hell didn't they have windows or something in here? Even dim starlight was better than nothing at all. I shuffled my feet, one hand reaching out blindly and the other holding the gun up in front of me._

_My hand suddenly connected with thin wires, rattling as I bumped into it. I jumped, then gripped on to it tighter. Chain link fence._

_"Dan!" I said urgently, rattling the fence. It was weird to keep him in a pen like a dog, but they treated me pretty poorly as well, so I didn't really put it past them. I moved the fence harder. "Dan, answer me!"_

_Silence, then a hesitant, "Phil?" as the lights overhead snapped on._

_\---_

We were caught. We had no where to go. I could see little red dots floating across Dan and I. He put the child in front of him,  using the poor thing as a human shield. No one fired, no one moved other than that. I looked at the lights my hands trembling as I dropped my gun into the mud and raised my hands. "I didn't kill anyone." I whispered.

"Liar." Dan hissed, but he didn't drop his weapon from the child's head. "I'll kill him!" He screamed at the line of lights.

"Last chance." One of the voices from the line restated. I heard the clicks of guns being loaded, ready to shoot. This didn't seem to phase Dan at all. He held his stance, staring down the line, challenging.

"I'll shoot him before you get the chance," Dan promised, chuckling a little. "This little fucker will go down with me, I swear to God."

"Drop the weapon, let the kid go."

"What happens when I do?"

" _Drop it!_ "

" _Try me, bitch!_ "

"Dan." I said softly. I made sure to keep my hands up as I turned slowly to face him. One of them shouted at me to not move, but I knew they wouldn't fire while the kid was still in danger. It was a stand off, and we were likely to lose. Dan looked at me from the corner of his eyes, breathing heavily. "Baby, think about this. Either we die, or we turn ourselves in and live. And you can get help."

"I don't need help." He said harshly. "I don't _want_ help. I'm past saving."

"You're not," I argued, my voice tender. "You're worth it, Danny. You're the love of my life."

Dan didn't say anything, but I saw his resolve breaking again. 

"Let the kid go." I said softly.

"I can't." Dan whimpered, and he returned. My love, the song in my heart. I could see him, scared and timid. He was like a child himself. He was just afraid. "I'm not going to a psych ward. Not again, Phil, please. I can't."

"You can." I encouraged him, taking a step towards him. "It'll be okay, I'll be there with you."

"I'll never see you again. I'll never see Sawyer. I can't lose him. They'll take him from me. They'll take you. You'll both be gone, Phil, I can't- I can't lose you!" He was starting to go into panic mode, breathing hard, his eyes wide as he looked at me for answers I simply couldn't give him.

"There's only one other option, and that's death."

"I don't want them to kill me, I don't- If I go now, Sawyer will have no one!"

The answer seemed pretty clear to me, how to stop this all. "Sweetheart, look at me." I said softly. 

Dan latched his eyes to mine. I moved forward slowly, just as slowly as we had walked down the isle at our wedding. I thought back to that day. Both of us in black suits with red ties, Dan grinning from ear to ear. It was just a small ceremony with a few friends and family members. But it was beautiful. Dan was beautiful. He had that glow everyone always talks about, beaming like I had never seen him before. As we got to the end of the isle to the officiator, I turned to look at Dan. He had his arms around one of mine, our hands clutched together. He looked at me, his smile softening. I could practically feel the love radiating off of him. I moved one hand, cupping his dimpled cheek and smiled back.

I did the same thing at that moment. He didn't have that cute dimpled smile, but I could see exactly where his dimple would be had I been able to keep him happy. I slid my hand down his arm, slowly grasping the gun from his hand. I grabbed on to the kid with the other hand.

 

\---

 

_The voice was not Dan's. And this room was not a second holding center. It was a small room filled with old dusty boxes and medical supplies. The chain link fence I was in front of was only a little gate secluding a corner of the room full of files and boxes of papers. I couldn't speak. I turned, looking over my shoulder to see Sutton at the bottom of the steps, his hand held up to keep someone--or a group of someones--from coming any further down the stairs. He was half doctor, half normal man right now. A button up shirt and slacks, but no glasses, no lab coat, and no clipboard to make it all official. He stared at me a long time._

_"Sutton." I said softly, lurching towards him. There was a panicked shuffle, but as always, he was unafraid of me. He simply met me in the middle of the room, opening his arms and letting me collapse into them. I cried into his shoulder, screaming my anguish into his shoulder._

_"Oh Phil, I'm so sorry." Sutton whispered, holding me tightly, a hand on the back of my head._

_"Where is he?" I wailed, clutching on to him with the hand that wasn't holding the gun. "Where is Dan?"_

_Sutton shook his head, stroking my hair. "Go back to that night," He said softly, "You have to remember, Phil. You have to. What happened after the kid got away?"_

_"I don't want to remember!" I shook my head, burying my face into the curve of his neck. "Don't make me remember! I just want him, I just want Dan. I want my baby, please. Oh god, give him to me!"_

_Sutton grabbed my face in his hands, starting intently into my eyes. He looked as broken as I felt, with a hint of desperation. "Phil, you have to think! Go through that night, after you let the kid go! What happened then?"_

_And despite my heart shattering into a thousand pieces, I recalled in vivid detail._

_\---_

 

I pushed the poor boy towards the line of lights. It was just Dan and I now. I listened to the kid frantically splash his way to safety, but I didn't look away from Dan. "This has to stop." I said softly, my voice starting to break as his lower lip trembled. Hot tears began to pulse from my eyes. "I'm sorry, I love you so much, I'm sorry." I held the gun up to his chest.

I had expected more fear heaping into his eyes. I expected him to beg me to stop, to try and get away with him. To find some other sort of option. In fact, I was kind of relying on it. I wanted him to tell me what do to again. I didn't want to be the one calling the shots, especially when my only call was this.

But he didn't do anything but grab my hand. He grabbed on to it, squeezing it tightly in his. He was crying, his shoulders shaking with each little hiccup of breath, but he smiled at me. In his eyes, I swear to God I saw peace.

And I pulled the trigger, with the barrel aimed right at his heart. There was no beautiful display of death. He simply stumbled a little bit, and the hold on my hand faded.

And I regretted it instantly.

"Wait," I whispered as his hand slipped from mine and he fell into the marshy water. "Wait, no- No! NO, DAN, _NO_!"

I threw the gun aside and threw myself down on top of him, clutching his limp body to me as I screamed my sobs into the air. "DAN!" My voice reached volumes I never knew I was capable of. He wouldn't wake up, he wouldn't move. His eyes were half closed and there was a huge blood stain on his chest. I tried to press my palm over it, to stop the bleeding, but it wouldn't work.

He didn't breath. I couldn't keep the blood inside of him, it was spilling all over me and onto the water. No matter how many times I screamed his name, he couldn't hear it. He didn't perk up a little at the sound of my voice, looking at me, his amber eyes sparking with a loving recognition.

I did it, I pulled the trigger.

The only person I ever killed all by myself.

 

\---

 

_A gunshot. My ears were ringing, my head spinning for a moment before coming into focus. Sutton was staring at me, trying to keep his expression blank, but he was shaking. Why was he..._

_Oh god._

_I looked down at the gun in my hand._

_It was against his stomach, the mental hot against my skin. I watched a dark red spot bloom on his pale blue shirt. I dropped the gun. It hit the ground with a hard clank this time instead of an unnoticeable landing in water._

_"No, I didn't mean-" I said helplessly, grabbing Sutton's sides as he started to sink  to the ground. He wasn't gone instantly like Dan was, he was still conscious, the pain etched in his face. I held him in my lap, my hand over the wound on his stomach, holding it tightly. People started to rush into the room. "Get away from him!" One of them commanded me._

_"No, no, no. Not you too." I whimpered, pressing my forehead to Sutton's. "Why can't I stop...? Why can't I stop killing what I care about...?"_

_Sutton laughed, he fucking laughed. It was just for a second, and it sounded pretty painful, but he did. "Shhh." He managed to get out, his breathing shallow. "I forgive you."_

_\---_

They tore me away from Dan's body while I screamed for him to come back.

_\---_

_They tore me away from Sutton's body while I screamed for him to come back._


	9. Chapter Eight

"The massacre continues as convinced serial killer Philip Lester escapes from his holding at Greenville Psychiatric Hospital. Seven were left dead and three severely injured when he escaped last Friday with a master key to the building and a gun stolen from a fallen officer. The general public is warned that his location is currently unknown to the authorities, and to be on the look out for this man-"

_"Turn that shit off, would ya?" The dark skinned women at the counter called to another employee that was stocking the shelves, who was already paused in his work to turn the TV to some sort of sports event. I averted my eyes quickly. They had changed the channel just before the news station flashed a picture of my mugshot on the night of my arrest. I cleared my throat, casually pushing my sunglasses down and sorting through an arrange of snacks lining the isles of the little corner shop. So far I had been lucky, only coming close to being found out one or twice. I snuffed out those threats before they even started, though._

_I settled on a bag of crisps and a drink just so I could get the hell out of there. I didn't have much of an appetite anymore, which was lucky considering I hardly had time to dodge in anywhere for a meal anymore._

_My heart beat picked up a little bit as I approached the counter, the woman behind it giving me a strange look. I set my items on the counter as casually as I could, giving her a little smile._

_She narrowed her eyes. "Why you got those sunglasses on?"_

_"Sensitive eyes." I replied without hesitation. "Allergies are really getting to me."_

_She nodded, but didn't seem convinced. "Well alright then." She scanned my few items and gave me my total, studying my face closely. As I handed her the money, she took her time getting me my change while never taking her eyes off of me._

_A little flame of anger started somewhere deep inside of me. "Got a problem?"_

_Her cheeks darkened a little with blush, and I relaxed. I instantly felt like an asshole, realizing that she had been checking me out. "Sorry, sorry." I said quickly. "I'm really sorry, just...Bad day. Like I said, allergies. Headache. I'm sorry."_

_"It's okay," She said, and she actually looked sympathetic. "I shouldn't have stared, that was rude."_

_"It was cute." I said, my voice smooth and flirtatious. It worked instantly, making her giggle and drop her guard completely. She stopped looking at me, too shy to stare anymore. Which was good, because maybe then she wouldn't be able to recognize the face of a wanted man. I had no interest in her at all, but I was interested in keeping myself free for the time being. So I swallowed the sick feeling I got at just the mental image of actually flirting back at her._

_But it was over quick, I said a relaxed goodbye and took my purchases, then made quick for the door. I put the hood on my sweater up to cover up whatever I could that would keep most people from getting a good look at me and made a b-line for the alleyways._

_Once in the safety of the damp, dark corridors between businesses and shops, I let out a sigh and stopped to collect myself and calm down. It was difficult being on the run, having your face plastered everywhere and police on patrol specifically to look for you. I couldn't turn a corner without my adrenaline spiking when seeing someone else who could potentially drag me back to where I was, back to my mistake. To Dan and Sutton, who were now both dead by my hand._

_I shut my eyes tightly, trying to fight back the images of Sutton bleeding out on the ground, watching me take down the group of guards that had come with him to take me away. His eyes were wide, I think he was scared seeing me in action, actually taking lives._

_I had only gotten through those guards by pure luck. There were six or seven of them, I couldn't really remember. They were in a frenzy, too scared of me to made rational decisions, and that was my advantage. Covered in blood with an expression that I could only imagine still looked similar to Dan's when he was taking lives, I probably looked as hideously evil as the devil himself. Their terror also fueled me on, using the gun and my strength to get through them fairly quickly._

_However, I did not escape without wounds myself. I was pretty sure that my wrist was broken somewhere in the dispute. It swells larger each day, and is covered in splotchy purple bruising. I had found some little sticks and ripped up an old shirt from some homeless man I killed a couple days ago to make a little splint, but it hurt like hell, and I wasn't sure how much longer I could deal with the constant pain from it. I also had been grazed with a bullet along my thigh. That was the worst part, having to limp carefully into a store and use stolen money to buy a medical kit to sew it up. the stitches were holding so far, but I didn't have much hope for them staying together much longer._

_What I needed was a doctor, but I couldn't go anywhere without ID. And if I gave ID, I would be gone faster than I could blink._

_I pressed my back to the alley wall, sliding down it with a little groan. I stretched out my leg with the stitches so I wouldn't pop any of the threads loose and  stared up at the drizzling sky. In hindsight, escaping had seemed like the perfect idea. But now that I was out here, I had no idea where to go or what to do. I only made it by from stalking people and killing them, taking their money and clothes, or using their house to shower and eat before I was on the run again. The sand in my glass was running out grain by grain, and soon my fate would be sealed. I would either join my Daniel, or I would be locked away for life, technically living, but dead years before my heart would give out._

_I should have listened to Sutton, let him break the news to me instead of pushing myself too far in and fucking it all up. And I had just left him bleeding. He was probably dead. He wasn't very conscious when I had left him._

 

\---

 

They had pulled me off of Sutton, throwing me to the ground and demanding that I stay there. They must have truly expected me to listen, which was rather stupid of them. For one, I was blind with rage and sadness, and had a strength beyond what I was even aware I possessed in the first place. Secondly, I still had the gun. I grabbed the ankle of the nearest one, yanking him hard down to the floor. He had tried to fire at me, but his gun slipped in his hands. 

The bullet went soaring somewhere across the room, making a couple other guards dive to the floor. Shots were fired at me. I grabbed the guard I pulled down, rolling him on top of me and using him as a human shield from the close range of the guard who had pushed me to the ground. The poor man shook as bullets from his own team rained into his body, but he couldn't block all of them. One of the bullets sliced across my thigh and hit the ground beside me, spinning off somewhere across the floor. I still utilized the temporary cover to shoot at two of the guards to my left, hitting one directly in the throat  and catching the other in the chest and leg, sending him to the ground.

I swung my arm with the gun out and shot blindly at the other side of the room. I heard one cry out, but couldn't see around the corpse on my body to see whether he was dead or not. As I raised the gun again to take another few shots, a hand swatted the gun out of my hand, followed by a foot that stepped down sharply on my wrist. I hissed in pain, using my other hand to grasp at the dead guard's utility belt while the man above me, bleeding from his shoulder and looking absolutely terrified, fumbled to load his gun to make the final shot on me. His shaking hands were ultimately his downfall. 

My hands searched blindly for the gun that the guard had dropped, patting across the floor while I stared my oncoming death in the eyes. There was a little scraping noise, and my fingers brushed the hilt of a gun. I grabbed it quickly, glancing out of the corner of my eyes. 

Sutton was on the other end of the gun, pushing it out towards me. He was sweating and breathing hard just from moving with his wound, but his arm was outstretched, putting the gun in my reach. I didn't have time to react to that, just grabbed it, whipping it up and firing it at the man above me.

The bullet hit him just under his jaw, splattering the ceiling with misted blood droplets as his head jerked back, taking the rest of his body with him and falling backwards. 

I moved fast, rolling the body off of me and getting on one knee, holding my gun up and scanning it around the room.

There were no men left standing, all of them on the floor. I could hear one groaning, but no one was in any condition to move. I looked at each one, slowly lowering the gun and letting my muscles relax as much as they could.

With all the guards properly dead or disabled on the floor, I returned to Sutton. My hospital white clothes were now a colorful splatter of glistening red. My hands shook as I reached out, gently scooping my doctor up under the shoulders and his legs, standing up and heaving him with me. The gun still remained in my hand, pressing against his knee while I went about the task of gently taking him up the stairs. 

"Phil, I think they sounded the alarm." Sutton huffed, his hand pressed tightly against his wounded stomach. "They're going to be sending more men. You don't have a chance against-"

"Shhhh," I squeezed his shoulder. "What happens will happen." That wasn't true, I already knew what was going to happen. I was going to get out of here. I didn't know whether or not that's what Sutton wanted for me, but he was getting weaker by the second, and didn't argue any further.

I stepped out into the hallway, walking the short distance to Troye's room. As slowly as I could, I laid Sutton down against the wall by the door, pausing a moment to push his dark hair off of his forehead. He closed his eyes when I touched him, shaking ever so slightly, then opened his eyes when I removed my hand. He looked at me, and he wasn't afraid. I smiled.

Standing, I turned to Troye's door and used the keycard I had stolen from Julian to unlock his door.

My curly-haired friend was on his bed, watching the door open stoically. When I stepped inside, he gave a little jump. "Oh," He whispered, "You're kind of a mess. 

"Yeah, but that's not important." I motioned towards the door. "My doctor is bleeding out. Will you try to keep him alive until someone gets here?"

Troye nodded and grabbed his bed sheet, probably to try and patch up the wound. I didn't have a lot of high hopes at that point, but whatever he could do might help. He walked up to me, holding the blanket to his chest and looking smaller than ever. I felt sorry for him, for doing this to him. But I was trying to leave without any further damage.

"Thank you, Troye." I said softly. He nodded, his eyes never breaking from mine.

I was the first to break the stare, looking down before turning halfway to start towards the door.

"I'll see you on the outside." Troye said suddenly. "You'll still bring me some apples, won't you? Because I'll have some oranges out for you. They'll be waiting, I mean, if you want them."

I looked over my shoulder at him with surprise. He actually looked sad, a little scared even. Not of me, but of losing me. It was enough to bring tears to my eyes. "Of course, of course. I'll bring lots of apples, and we can eat till we get sick, okay? Don't keep me waiting too long. You get well."

"I will. I'll see you on the hill, where the primroses are." He gave me a small push to the door. "Now go."

I wanted to ask just what he meant, but he was right, I would have to leave quickly. I didn't know if I would ever actually see him again. I would have to leave it in the hands of fate.

Sutton was slumped over a little more than when I had left him. I couldn't see if he was breathing or not, but based on all of the death I had seen in just the last few hours, I got the sickening feeling that he was not. "Fuck, I whispered, my legs shaking as I took a step towards him.

Troye moved between me and Sutton, pushing me away. "Don't worry," he said firmly, "Get out."

Guilt was already eating away at my insides. I looked at the slumped figure of Sutton on the ground, hot tears burning my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. But I couldn't do anything more to save him than Troye could.

"I'm sorry!" I blurted to Sutton. "You believed in me, and I'm sorry!" 

I turned on my heel and ran as fast as I could to the exit, only stopping briefly to unlock each door. I just ran, and ran, and ran, and ran...

By the time I had properly calmed down, my chest burning from running so hard and from sobbing as I did so, I was standing on the outskirts of London. Covered in sweat, blood, and tears, I found a little huddle of bushes and collapsed behind it, out of sight from the rest of the world for a few hours while I slept.

 

\---

 

_Tears were already reforming as I thought of leaving Sutton and Troye there. I knew the boy would be okay. Hell, he could even be out by now. But Sutton, fuck. He looked dead. I didn't have much hope for a miracle. I looked at the obituaries in the papers as often as I could, but I didn't really know where Arthur Sutton was from, who his family was, or where he would be buried. It killed me that I might never get my answers on the man who always seemed to have them._

_I picked myself up and continued down the alleyways. The sun was beginning to set, though it had been pretty dark for a while considering the skies were covered with clouds today. My wrist was aching just a little bit worse, and my leg was starting to cramp from the awkward way I was walking on it. I needed to find another place to rest for tonight, somewhere that would hopefully be undiscovered by the police or a random bum who might get cross with me. I looked at mounds of trash bags leaning up against a dumpster, wondering if I could build some kind of fort out of them._

_The thought made me cringe a little bit, but I didn't believe I had a lot of choice. I took a deep breath, deciding to walk along the actual streets a little more to see if I could possibly find something else. I took off my sunglasses and stepped out into the open, instantly feeling vulnerable without the safety of brick surrounding me. I looked up at the street sign, squinting as I tried to remember where this particular street was on the map of London._

_A sign at the end of the street caught my attention before I could come to any conclusion, stopping my train of thought instantly._

_It was a little white sign sticking out at an angle from a tan building. Three destinations were printed in black on it; Regent's Park, London Zoo, and Primrose Hill._

_Primrose Hill. Troye had said he would see me on the hill where the primroses grew._

_I started to jog towards it, the pain in my leg instantly forgotten with this new feeling of hope filling up my chest and making me grin. There was no way this wasn't what Troye was talking about. He was being cryptic in our last moments, giving me his location without outright stating it. He lived somewhere around this park._

_I looked at the houses living the streets just across from the park and frowned. There were quite a few, and there was no possible way to tell which one was his. For starters, I didn't even know his last name. Even if it was labeled on the house somewhere, I wouldn't recognize it. But I had found this little gem of information, and I wasn't letting it go. I decided I would stroll past each of the houses and see if I could chance upon anything that would let me know if he was there. It would be risky being out in public, especially stalking around residential areas, but it was a risk I was willing to take. Either this worked, or I would be found again. Either way, I was weary of running._

_The houses I passed were lovely. Each painted a light, pleasant color with little fences in front. I smiled at the domesticity of them. It was hard to imagine that a man who was deemed mentally unstable could live somewhere so normal._

_None of them were sticking out to me, and there were no people visible. I could see silhouettes moving in the lit up windows of a few of the houses, but nothing more than that. I couldn't make out any distinct features. No thin frame and tangles of curly hair to be seen._

_It was really dark now, and each passing car was making me on edge because I couldn't see past the headlights to see if it was a police car or not. I came to the last house and looked it up and down, again, seeing no sign of him. I sighed a little, running over what Troye had said in my head one more time. He might have meant he would look for me at that park, that would make more sense. How would I be able to tell if he actually lived anywhere around here or not? I decided to try hanging around the park a little bit the following day, and return to my dumpster bed for now. I was so tired it was getting hard to stand anyway. But I was feeling a little more upbeat having found this place._

_As I passed back by the houses, one of them in the middle of all the others caught my eye. I had passed by it pretty quickly because there were no lights on in the house, but I noticed something that was different about it than the others passing back by it. There was something piled up by the door. I looked around, making sure there were no cars or people coming for the time being, then dared to walk up to the door to inspect it further._

_I almost thought I was seeing things for a moment. I reached down, picking up one of the round object from the pile of several others, causing a few of them to break loose and roll across the porch._

_An orange._


	10. Chapter Nine

_Meeting Troye again was an extremely emotional experience. I hadn't realized how long I had been on the run until he opened the door, his face crumpling as he broke down into tears and grabbed me, whispering, "You're alive! It's been so long I- I thought that you were-"_

_"I'm here," I soothed him, holding his small frame close to me. "I'm sorry it took me so long, I just...You were really cryptic, Troye. You could have told me that you lived here."_

_He laughed a little, taking a step away from me and wiping his wet eyes. "They have all sorts of security around that place. I didn't want to risk it. Now in, in. Before someone sees you." He pulled my hand and dragged me inside, frowning when he saw me limp. "How long has that gone untreated?"_

_I grimaced. "Since I broke out."_

_Troye took in a sharp inhale of air, grabbing my hand again and pulling me towards the bathroom. "Let's get that cleaned up. Then a shower and a good meal. You look like you haven't eaten properly in weeks."_

_"It's probably been weeks." I mumbled. "I don't know, I was in such a haze. Days were just...Flying by, Troye. I couldn't keep track of the hours, or the people that I-"_

_We both stopped, Troye looking at me curiously. "So you continued to kill?"_

_It call came rushing back to me. Yes, I had. I had killed many people since being out. Seven, at least. For food, clothes, money. Whatever I needed, I took it at the cost of a life. But I hadn't noticed, or hadn't cared. Now, as I reflected back on each one of them, tears pooled in my eyes and rolled down my cheeks soundlessly. "I guess I did." I whispered._

_Troye squeezed my hand. "Don't think about that now." He said gently, pulling me towards the bathroom and having me sit on the toilet in his small bathroom. I stared at the rock-tiled floor, the tears never really stopping. I don't know why I was crying, I didn't honestly feel all that bad for what I did. It was just, shocking, I suppose. Even now that I was free, I hadn't managed to break the cycle that my dear Dan put me in. He was controlling me even from the grave._

_Troye motioned to some towels hanging up on a rack. "Take a quick shower, then we'll get you all stitched up. Towells are there. Take your time."_

_Honestly, nothing sounded better right then than a hot shower. I waited until Troye left, discarding my filthy clothes on the floor and stepping into the shower. It took a second to figure out how it worked, but as soon as the hot water hit me, I felt every muscle in my body relax. I couldn't tell if I was still crying or not, I just let the water splash against my face and wash away all the dirt and tears._

_The bathroom was covered  in steam when I got out and wrapped a towel around my freshly cleaned body. I cracked the door open, not sure if I should call out for Troye or not. But he was sitting on the floor outside the bathroom door. He smiled gently when he saw me. "Better already." He commented, pushing himself up and walking into the bathroom._

_"I'm going to have to get a little in your personal space, sorry. You can keep the towel on." He was already eyeing my wound as I sat back down on the toilet and pulled the towel up a bit. I didn't mind what happened to me, honestly. I could trust Troye. I spaced out as he dug underneath his sink for his medical supplies, producing them cheerfully and turning attention to my wound. His cheerful expression faltered when he saw how unclean my wound was, dark and slightly yellowing around the edges. I had to look away from it, feeling queasy just from seeing it. Half of the ugly stitches had ripped open since I last looked, and I couldn't bear the sight._

_"I'm going to have to dig into it again to clean it out." Troye said carefully. "Are you alright with that? Need something to bite down on?"_

_"Just do it," I said stoically, "I can handle it. I just want it clean."_

_Troye nodded and gripped my leg. "Hold on."_

_The whole cleaning process hurt like hell, but Troye was quick and thorough. After a few minutes of him cleaning and cutting off a bit of the infected parts, I looked down at him out of the corner of my eye. "How are you so good at this?"_

_"I was going to be a nurse." Troye said, his eyes lighting up a little bit. "I was in medical school when...When I got taken to the psyche ward."_

_I paused. "What happened to you?"_

_I was afraid he might not answer, but after about a minute of silence, he finally replied. "I stabbed my boyfriend with my medical scissors, and he nearly bled out."_

_I couldn't help but laugh, cutting it off abruptly. "Oh god, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have laughed."_

_But Troye's shoulders were shaking with laughter. He looked up at me, grinning. "No, I'm glad you find it funny. No one else did. Bitch deserved it. He was abusive, mentally. Fucked my ex a lot, and made sure I knew it just so I knew who was in control. It was him, until one day, I was in control. And I decided to take control and stab him. I laughed at him while he was on the ground. If my grandmother hadn't been home to call an ambulance he probably would have died. Like I said, love did me wrong, so I turned around and fucked it over twice as hard."_

_I was smiling from ear to ear. "Troye, you are probably one of the greatest people I've ever met."_

_He winked. "Thanks Phil." He set down his needle and thread suddenly. I was too distracted with the story to notice he had finished up. "I'm going to wrap this, then let me see your wrist. Looks terrible."_

_I held up my wrist after he finished wrapping my leg, wincing when he touched it even lightly. He sighed. "This is bad. I don't know how much I can do. I mean, I have a brace, but this looks like it needs a cast...Oh well, we'll have to make due. Wait here, the stuff is in the hall closet."_

_He left the bathroom door open while he walked down the small hallway. I heard a door open and some stuff clanking together while he searched through his supplies. I took this moment to look around his bathroom; plain but clean. Two toothbrushes in the holder, a little laundry basket in the corner. I leaned a bit to peak into his shower when I heard a new voice coming from the doorway._

_"Oh my! A naked chap is on my toilet."_

_Jumping, I turned quickly, getting into a defensive pose. I locked eyes with a little old lady hunched over in a wheelchair, her eyes wide behind her glasses that looked much to big and heavy for her face. She was in a dressing robe and had her thin white hair up in a bun. She was gaping at me as I slowly reached down, grabbed my shirt, and pulled it over my head. "Apologies, ma'am." Was about the best my mind could come up with._

_"Are you that fella that kills people? The one on the news?" She asked in her shaky, high-pitched old lady voice._

_"Yes." I decided to be honest._

_"Where are your trousers young man?" She sounded scandalized. Not at the fact that I had killed people, no, but that I was currently sitting in a towel and a t-shirt._

_Troye entered just then, not seeming to pay her much attention. "Not now, Nan. I'm busy."_

_Her mouth formed an o-shape. "Busy with a naked lad, huh? Busy, busy boy you are." She giggled and turned her wheelchair around, rolling back to where ever it was she came from._

_Troye smiled at the confused look on my face. "Dementia. She doesn't remember who she is half the time, don't worry about it. I'm hoping she won't have half the sense to call the police. Not like last time."_

_"I should just keep my trousers off, she seemed most worried about that." I chuckled, and Troye nudged me._

_"You'll want them on. I've got to take you to see Sutton tomorrow."_

_I felt my stomach twist, and I shook my head. I didn't want to see his grave. I couldn't even face that. It was my fault he died, and it was hard enough just to hear his name falling from someone else's lips, and not my own while I sobbed regretfully at night._

_Troye looked at me sharply while he placed the brace on my wrist firmly, adding an extra ace wrap to it to keep it in place. "Why not?"_

_"The only grave I want to see is Dan's," I said thickly, "He's the only one I can face, because he gets me."_

_There was a long few moments of silence. "No, Phil." Troye put his hand on my jaw, turning my face to his. "Sutton's alive, he's at a hospital in the city. He's been asking for you every single time I visit. I hate the look on his face when I tell him I don't kno-"_

_"He's alive?!" I jumped up, nearly knocking Troye over. I caught him just in time, steadying him before I continued, my voice wavering. "He was- I shot him in the stomach! He should have died! How did he-"_

_"You missed a lot of vital organs. He bled a lot, but after he went through surgery he's been relatively okay." Troye put his hands on my shoulders and squinted at me. "We both kind of thought...You shot like that on purpose. Y'know, to make a distraction without killing him. You would be hard pressed to get that good of a shot without knowing exactly what you're doing."_

_"I had no idea," I laughed breathlessly. "I'm just fucking crazy. And lucky, I guess."_

_Troye shook his head in disbelief. "Jesus, 'suppose so. Maybe your subconscious or something...Well whatever it was, it saved his life. I mean, threatened it a lot, but saved it in the end."_

_My heart was beating at an alarming rate. I looked at Troye with a big smile. "Can we see him right now?"_

_Troye shook his head. "Visiting hours are over, I'm afraid. Do you know what time it is? Come on, let's get you something to eat first, please. You also need a good night's rest on an actual bed. Just take some time to heal, I know you'll both get so worked up seeing each other you'll probably do more damage than good."_

_I was bouncing in place where I stood, having a bunch of new energy that I couldn't seem to control. Troye chuckled and gently lead me by my arm to the kitchen. "Sit," He motioned to an empty chair at a small table. I sat down, glancing around the kitchen. There were no pictures of anyone, just a few collectible dishes on the wall. Not a lot of personality to the whole place. He quickly made some sandwiches and heated up some leftover pizza, both of which I gratefully ate. Troye ate a bit, mostly watching me with a look of relief. I tried not to notice, keeping my eyes away from him while I ate._

_After finishing, Troye looked at my outfit and laughed. "Oh my god, I'm sorry, you need clothes." I again was lead through the small house up a flight of stairs where two bedrooms and another bathroom were placed. Troye opened the door on the right and motioned for me to go inside. He then moved to a dresser on the far wall and searched through it. "You're way taller than me, so I think you might be able to fit in my ex's clothes." He threw a few items around, finally pulling out some basketball shorts and a soft looking t-shirt. "This is about all I have, I'm sorry." He handed them to me._

_"This is perfect." I said grabbing his hands as he gave the clothes to me. "Thank you, Troye, for everything. Seriously. I don't even know why you're doing this."_

_Troye held on to my hand, being careful of my wounded wrist. "Because I understand you," He said in a low tone, never breaking eye contact. "The fact that we just laughed over me stabbing a man in the neck speaks volumes. You're corrupted. You were twisted, formed into something crippled and dark by circumstances created by people who thought they knew what was best for you. I'm the same way."_

_Speechless, I gripped Troye a little tighter, biting my lip and nodding at him. Troye nodded back, and we both smiled a little. He let me go, heading over to the door. "I'm right across the hall if you need anything. But try to get some sleep. We'll figure out how to get you to Sutton in the morning. Goodnight."_

_"Goodnight." I said as he closed the door, looking at the clothes in my hand and then at the warm bed waiting for me. After weeks, I had finally found my resting place._


	11. Chapter Ten

_I woke up in a bed. A soft, warm bed. I blinked in the little rays of sunlight filtering through the slits in the blinds covering the windows. I was in a house. No stiff, itchy hospital sheets. No damp alleyways sleeping next to trash bags. Soft pillows and plush blankets covered my body for the first time in what felt like forever._

_My sleepy brain made too many leaps too fast. I had escaped that hellish prison where I only had four walls to keep me company. I was safe, beyond all logical reason for my head at the moment. Quickly, I turned over in the bed to look at the other side. "Dan?"_

_He wasn't there. Steadily, the memories I tried so hard to repress came back. Oh god, I shot him. He had become something so evil and I shot him, took his life from him. The life I had sworn to protect the day I married him. What the hell kind of husband was I?_

_Tears started to roll down my cheeks silently. I didn't have the motivation left in me to cry over it anymore. I didn't deserve to cry like I wasn't the one who caused the pain in the first place. I was a pathetic, self-pitying bastard if I thought I had any right to cry._

_I heard noises of life coming from outside the room I was currently in. I remembered who’s house I was in, the thoughts easing my tears for the time being and making me smile. I slipped out from under the covers and stumbled to the door. I had fallen asleep so hard that my legs were still feeling a little bit numb. I gave them a second to get blood properly flowing before making my way to the door._

_Clutching my still-aching wrist, I opened the door of the bedroom and stepped into the short hallway. I remembered the night previous when Troye had stitched me up in the bathroom, looking down at my leg and putting my leg down hesitantly. It felt a lot better, though it still stung something fierce with too much pressure. Down the hall, now illuminated by the risen sun, the small living room opened up, furnished simply by a loveseat and a television. Past that was the kitchen to the left and the dining room to the right. Troye was in his kitchen, stirring something in a pot and humming softly to himself. In the dining room, the old lady who found us in the bathroom was at the table pouring over a newspaper._

_Clearing my throat, I started to walk towards them. “Good morning.” I said, trying not to startle either of them too much._

_Troye still gave a little jump, but beamed at me and waved the spoon he was using to cook. “Hi Phil! We were just about to have breakfast. Are you hungry?”_

_“Yes, yes.” I replied. I wasn’t actually, but I wanted to be polite. He had done so much for me, and was now even going through the effort of cooking. He was far too sweet. All I truly wanted was to get to Sutton as soon as possible. He had been asking for me, as far as Troye said. Whether it was because he was worried, or because he wanted to choke the life out of me as revenge for shooting him, I didn’t care. He was alive, and that’s what mattered to me._

_I sat down hesitantly across from Troye’s grandma. Her reading was interrupted, and she looked up at me. She slowly narrowed her eyes, her expression suspicious. I gripped the edge of the table, ready to push away and bolt just in case she got it in her head to call the police._

_“Boy,” She squeaked, clutching her paper tightly, “Did you find your trousers?”_

_I relaxed, letting go of the table and laughing a little. I heard Troye chuckle from by the stove. I nodded at her seriously. “Yes, they were hiding from me. But I got them. Troye helped me.”_

_She scoffed. “Yeah, I bet he did.” She said like she knew exactly what we had gotten up to._

_Troye dropped his spoon. “Nan!”_

_“I’m just saying.” She gave her paper a little snap, holding it up and casually continuing to read._

_I couldn’t stop myself from laughing, looking over at Troye and winking at him. His cheeks were pink, and he mumbled something under his breath as he brought the put to the table. He calmed down after a moment, returning to the kitchen again and retrieving a little tray of scones. “Whatever. We’ve got scones and gravy for breakfast. You better eat a lot, I don’t want leftovers.”_

_“You sound like your mother.” His grandmother mumbled as she took a few scones and put them on a plate. I followed suit, taking what I thought I could force down for the time being and trying not to eat too quickly._

_Troye looked at his grandma as he chewed, then to me. “That’s my grandma, Dot. Sorry you two didn’t properly meet. Nan, this is Phil. He’s going to be staying with us for a while.”_

_She didn’t even look up from her food._

_Troye tapped his fork impatiently. “Nan. Hey. We’re going to be leaving later today for just a bit. Can you manage on your own for a few hours?”_

_This time she did look up. “I managed without you all that time you were in the looney bin, kid. I’m fine.”_

_Awkward silence fell between the two of them. I looked at Troye sympathetically, and he smiled and shook his head. But I could see the words struck a little deeper than he was letting on to her. I could feel his anxiousness to leave, and I was right on board with him. We quickly finished our food, and I helped him clean up the few dishes from the table._

_As he was washing them and I dried and put them away, I looked over to him, asking in a low voice, "So how are we going to do this? I can't just go walking into a hospital."_

_Troye frowned at the soapy water. "I only have one idea, and it might not work, honestly. So if you choose to take it, you're chancing getting caught and thrown in prison. Death row is also likely for all the murders you've committed. I don't think an insanity plea will get you out of this one, my friend."_

_"Don't sugar coat it, Troye." I joked, but I didn't laugh, and Troye didn't either. He was right, this was my final shot. If I was caught, I was sure I would be killed. And I couldn't go out just yet. I had a few more things I wanted to do before I rolled over and gave in to my fate. Talking to Sutton being one of those things._

_I took a plate in my hands, drying the worn-looking white dish slowly. "Let's do it."_

 

_\---_

 

_We had to wait until there was one hour left of visiting time, and had to be out before the nurses made the rounds and kicked people out. So as the sun was going down, Troye and I walked into the hospital. I had his cellphone pressed to my ear, and I was pretending to talk in it, using my hand to shield my face from the nurse at the front desk. My hood was pulled up over my head for extra protection. I turned, chatting about the weather to the imaginary person on the other end of the line. I tried to not look like I was scared stiff, putting my hand in my pocket and turning towards the window. I didn't look up so that the security cameras wouldn't get a good look at my face._

_"Hi there, I'm back. Finally got into contact with Arthur's cousin." I heard Troye talking to the nurse. "He's a little busy, so I'm going to just sign in for him." His voice lowered. "It was so hard to get him here...His only damn remaining family, and he couldn't even be bothered to come visit him in the hospital. Nearly had to threaten him. But he's the only person Arthur has wanted to see."_

_"Poor dear." The nurse sighed, and I heard her slip some papers over to him. "That's alright, then. Hopefully it will help him relax a little, ease his mind. He's been through so much."_

_"He has." Troye agreed._

_They talked a little bit more before Troye called to me. "Dev! We're going in now. If you're not too busy, that is."_

_I sighed loudly, pretending to be inconvenienced, then turned to follow Troye deeper inside the hospital. I still had the phone pressed to my ear, shielding most of my face from the lady at the desk._

_She watched us go in, and just as we were about to pass through the double doors, she spoke pointedly at me. "No cell phones past the lobby, please."_

_I swallowed hard. There went the plan. I didn't turn to face her, just held out the phone and made a show of hanging it up. "It's off." I snapped to her, then shoved it in my pocket. We pushed our way inside quickly before she could make any more comments._

_Troye stepped in front of me, clenching his hands into fists. "Stay behind me," He said quietly, "And keep your head down."_

_I nodded in response, looking down at the ground and pulling my hoodie up a little bit more. Troye strode quickly through the halls, but with confidence so that we wouldn't be stopped. We passed door after door, and I could see nothing but tile floors and the feet of people as we passed them. The whole thing reminded me of being back in the psyche ward, making my stomach churn a little. I took a deep breath, reminding myself silently that I was free of that place, and I wasn't going back._

_We had to take an elevator up to the third floor, and I kept in the corner with Troye standing in front of me. Even when we were alone in the elevator, we didn't talk. Both of us were too on edge, focused on our goal. But we got closer to Sutton's room, the more nervous I got. I just wanted this all to go perfectly, but I knew that perfect wasn't exactly a possibility in my life. This was all falling into place way too easily, and it left a wrong feeling in my stomach._

_I lifted my head just for a second to look at Troye. His shoulders were stiff, and I could tell he was getting the same feeling. But we had come so far, we had to finish this._

_When the elevator doors opened, I was surprised and put off ease by the fact that there was practically no one on this level. There were a few nurses chatting behind a central desk, but they didn't even look at us as we got out and made our way to Sutton's room._

_"This isn't right." I breathed. Troye shushed me, stopping at a door and peeking in._

_"Wait here." He instructed. He opened the door and slipped inside, leaving it cracked as he walked around the room, searching each corner. He stopped for a moment to look at Sutton on the bed. All I could see from the door was his legs under bright white covers. Troye smiled a little, saying something to him, and I saw Sutton's legs bend as he sat up in the bed. Troye laughed, coming back to the door and opening it. "Alright, he's awake. Go in, I'm going to wait out here just in case. I'll knock three times if we need to get out fast."_

_"Okay," I murmured, taking slow steps inside the room. I paused just inside the door as Troye closed it tightly, taking a steadying breath, then walked the rest of the way in._

_Sutton was sat up in his bed, looking at the door expectantly. He broke out into a wide smile when he saw me, a look of immense relief on his face. "You're okay," He sighed. "Thank God, thank God..."_

_I laughed a little. "I'm hard to get rid of." I said softly, sliding a chair over to his bedside and sitting down in it. I wanted to hug him, but he looked so fragile. His tan skin was pale and clammy-looking, his graying stubble was a little overgrown, and the bags under his eyes made him look like he hadn't gotten a wink of sleep since we had last seen each other. Inside of embracing him, I grabbed his hand that was laying on the bed, squeezing it and frowning at the IV in his arms._

_Sutton watched me for a second, then placed his free hand over mine. "It's not as bad as it looks, I promise." He said gently._

_I choked out a laugh, blinking at the tears pooling in my eyes. "It looks pretty damn bad, Doctor."_

_He leaned forward, and I looked up to meet his kind brown eyes. "I only look so bad because I've been worried sick about you. I would have healed faster if you came to see me sooner." He grinned. "And I'm not your Doctor anymore. You can call me Arthur."_

_"Arthur..." It felt weird in my mouth, but I would get used to it. "I'm so sorry that you're even here. I don't know what I was thinking..."_

_"You were having an episode with the reveal of repressed memories," He stated, and I chuckled. "No, really Phil, I was expecting you would probably fire the gun. I was glad it was at me, it snapped you out of it. Gave you a clear head to fight your way out."_

_I held his hand to my cheek, closing my eyes as I reveled in the fact that it was warm with life. He was actually here, actually safe despite my corruption getting to him. I sniffled a little, and Arthur left me in peace for the time being to just gather my thoughts. But the more I thought, the darker my mind went. I had the murderous intent planted in me by Dan, and it had gone into full blossom. I was a mindless killer, doing it out of instinct anymore. Fuck, I slaughtered a good handful of people in the hospital, and even more after I got out. I told myself it was to survive, but it wasn't really. I couldn't use that lie as an excuse._

_My shoulders started to shake as the tears came on again. Sutton pulled his hand away, placing it on my shoulder and giving it a comforting squeeze. "You can still tell me anything." He said, laying back against his pillows. "I can still help you."_

_I hung my head, looking down at my lap and watching my tear drops make dark dots on my jeans. For a while, I didn't even no what to say. But Arthur waited, ever patient for me to collect my thoughts and form them into words._

_"I...I've become this monster. The monster you said that I wasn't. You were wrong, I am killing just because I am a bad person. I'm no better than Dan, Arthur. I break everything and everyone that I touch. I need to be locked away from the world where I can stop fucking things up. But I'm so, so selfish. I just want things to work out right for_ me _. I don't deserve to be here, walking free and imposing myself on you. I don't deserve answers or peace. I should be caged away like the beast that I am." The words spilled out, making me shake harder with each one until I was shivering where I sat. "I'm a menace to the world, there's no getting around it. I know you want to believe in me, but I'm sorry, this is how I am. I'm a deranged killer and you can't help me or change that. I want to be able to change, to be a normal person. But...I'm too far gone. This whole situation is irreversible. I'm so sorry, I'm so..." I couldn't finish, my throat tightening to the point where I could barely breathe. I just cried quietly, wishing that Arthur would just let it go._

_But he was already sitting up again, his voice firm. "Phil, touch your cheek."_

_I lifted my head, squinting at him. Before I could ask, he demanded again. "Your cheek. Touch it."_

_I raised my trembling fingers to my cheek, touching my skin dampened by tears._

_"You know what that is?" He asked._

_"Tears?" I replied dumbly._

_"Yes, but what more?"_

_I stared at him. "...Salty water?"_

_He laughed, shaking his head. "No, you dolt. That's regret. That is remorse for what you've done, the lives you've hurt and taken. You are genuinely sorry for what you've done Phil. I've told you this before, and I will tell you again; remorse is what separates you from who Dan was and what you are now. It keeps you human, and you've got to hold on to that. Have you done horrible things? Yes, my dear friend, you have. But if you had done those things and sat there, staring at me blank-faced and telling me that it wasn't your fault, that would make you a "monster". But you're sitting here crying your heart out, taking all the blame in stride. You aren't a monster, Phil. Your desire to kill is a knee-jerk reaction rather than something encoded in your DNA. You were conditioned, Dan was born as he was. You can be helped. Habits can be broken and reversed. You can be, and deserve to be saved, Phil Lester. You deserve peace after the life you've lived. You do."_

_My lip trembled, and my voice shook with it as I spoke. "I'm afraid, Arthur. I'm afraid to change...It's all I've known for so long...And what if I can't?"_

_Arthur opened his arms to me. I hesitated, then climbed up onto the hospital bed. We shifted around awkwardly for a moment until I finally was comfortably resting in his arms, my head on his shoulder. He held me tightly for a few moments, letting the worst of my sobbing subside before speaking again. "Let me tell you something, Phil. Back when I was about 20 years old, I was failing out of university because of a bad addiction to sex and drugs." When I looked at him quizzically, he held out his forearm for me to inspect. Littered across his dark skin were tiny dotted scars, some of them deep divots in his skin. Heroin track marks. I touched them lightly, frowning at looking back at him to finish the story. "I know drugs are nowhere near the level that murder is, but they made me feel like a different person. I did become a monster of sorts, and I hurt people I loved very dearly. I used people like they were nothing and made sure I couldn't feel the regret by injecting chemicals into my veins. And I thought that's how my life would end. I thought I would eventually overdose and the world would finally be rid of one more soul that was too far gone. But, just as I was about to give up, I met a person who could fight past the blackness in my heart and find the last speck of hope I had; I had this ridiculous desire to fix everyone but myself. That's what I had started in university for, to get a career in something that would allow me to help others who were struggling through life. But I didn't even take it into consideration to save myself first. She wasn't really a close friend, but she became one when she found me shooting up in my dorm. Slapped the needle right out of my hand and punched me in the face. Gave me the longest speech on self-worth that I didn't even appreciate until later."_

_He stopped, glancing down at me. I blinked, too afraid to say something that would mess this up. He had heard my entire life story, and now I was getting to be the one who listened. He smiled and rubbed my shoulder. "I see a lot of my old self in you, Phil. You stuck around with Dan because you were trying so hard to fix his problems, because you loved him. But you didn't know how to stop his problems from infecting you. And maybe that's why I'm so keen on helping you. Because I want you to have that one person who can help you to find the way out of your darkness."_

_I smiled at him, but his little speech was doing nothing to stop my crying, but they were happy tears now at least. "I want you to be that person. Will you show me how to stop?"_

_"It would be my honor." He returned the smile. "We'll get you better, together. Okay?"_

_"Okay." I nodded, then blinked. "What happened to that friend? The girl?"_

_He grinned. "We finished university together, then became colleagues. And, eventually, we dated and got engaged. It didn't work out, I think because we had seen each other too deeply, but we're still in close contact. She was just here the other day, scolding me for being too reckless with unstable patients."_

_I laughed. "Tell her I'm sorry for trying to kill you, I won't do it again. Promise."_

_Arthur opened his mouth, but before he could speak, three loud knocks broke off our conversation. I jumped up, sitting on the edge of the bed and looking at the door. The handle moved for a moment, then Troye came inside quickly._

_"We have to go, now." Troye spoke fast. "I should have known, fuck...They've had Arthur under survailance for you, Phil, I just saw two guards coming this way. They have weapons-"_

_Arthur sat up, pulling the IVs out of his arms and walking over to a small dresser. He had hospital sweats and a top on, not really inconspicuous for running away. He pulled out a black hoodie from one of the drawers and pulled it on, then found his trainers in one of the cupboards._

_"Hold on," I said, putting my hand on his arm. "You're not coming with us. You're way too weak right now. Lay back down."_

_"I feel great," he said, shaking off my hand. "I could run a marathon. Which, coincidentally, is what we might have to do." He slipped on his shoes as he spoke. I looked at Troye for backup, but he just shrugged nervously at me._

_I sighed, dropping my hands to my sides. "Fine. But if you start falling behind, I'm leaving you so the guards can strap you down to your bed." I threatened, but we both knew it was definitely an empty threat._

_Arthur smiled at me and ruffled my hair. "I may have ten years on you, but I think I'm in better shape. I might be the one leaving you."_

_I chuckled and shook my head, turning away from him and moving carefully to the door. I looked outside. I saw two men in all black standing down the hall just a few feet, hands on their belts as they watched the door. They saw me looking out, their expressions darkening. I took a step back, chewing on my lip as I thought. I scanned the room, my eyes landing on the emergency "call nurse" button._

_Turning to my two friends, my expression grave, I asked, "Have either of you ever killed a man?"_

_Arthur shook his head no. Troye nodded once, paused, then shook his head and said, "Not completely."_

_I nodded and looked at the ground for a few seconds before connecting my eyes with Arthur. "I don't want either of you to have that on your conscience. So if it does come to that, Arthur...Will you still believe in me?"  
_

_"Always." He said seriously._

_I gave him a little smile, then pointed to the emergency button. "Push it. I hope you really are up for a marathon."_


	12. Chapter Eleven

_The button was pushed, and a buzzer rung through the room. Arthur looked at the door, then at me expectantly. I motioned for them to get behind the door, while I pressed myself against the wall so I could grab whoever ran in first. Troye hid behind Arthur, who looked conflicted as to how he should feel, his brow furrowed and mouth set in a tight line. We stayed silent, motionless, just waiting._

_We could hear arguing from the other side of the door, someone telling someone else that they needed to keep back so that they could take care of the patient. That's about all I could make out. I made eye contact with Arthur and Troye, giving each of them a little encouraging smile._

_"You'll just have to make another round while I check on him." The distinctly female voice said as she rested her hand on the door handle, muffled by the few inches of wood between us. "That's part of the agreement. You don't want to alert-"_

_As soon as the door clicked, and a body moved through, I grabbed them by the throat and swung them around against the wall. I came face-to-face with a young brunette lady, staring at me with wide eyes. She coughed and grabbed at my hand, her expression pleading. I sighed, lifting her by her neck a bit away from the wall before slamming her head back into it, knocking her out cold. She fell to the floor._

_Troye looked alarmed, and Arthur kept his eyes off of the poor girl on the floor. I stepped around her and out into the open. When I made sure the immediate vicinity was clear, I called back into the room. "Okay, follow me." I waited as the other two joined me, then silently moved down the hall, the direction we came. The nurse had warded off whoever was coming just for the time being, but they likely would be back soon, finding her and setting out after us._

_We bolted to the elevator, Troye frantically pressing the buttons. My heartbeat seemed to tick in time as the elevator numbers flicked across the screen, each level passing quickly, but not quick enough. Arthur had his back to us, scanning the area and making sure that no one had followed us for the time being. "We have to hurry," He said, probably just out of stress of the moment. Troye and I glanced at each other, but ignored him._

_The doors finally slid open, and we all pushed inside. I made sure Troye and Arthur were behind me, standing in front of the gap of the doors closing, shielding them with my body until they sealed shut. I let out a sigh of relief, then turned to look at my friends._

_And a whole elevator full of various doctors and nurses, staring back at us with confusion. I slowly straightened up, looking around at the confused faces slowly turn into shock when they recognized me._

_Arthur grabbed my wrist. "Phil, we have to get out of here." He hissed, but I shook my head, whispering back to him, "We need to get to the main level, the stairs will take too long, and there will be more people. Possibly even authorities. This is our best shot."_

_Towards the back, and older gentleman slowly pulled out his cellphone, shaking as he started to dial with his eyes locked on me._

_"Don't bother," I snapped, making everyone in the elevator collectively jump. "Police are already here, and I'm not afraid of making hostages out of you all."_

_Someone started to cry, and I glared down each one of them to make sure they knew I wasn't fucking around. In reality, I was trying to avoid killing anyone if possible. I wanted to start to break the cycle as fast as I could. No one else needed to know that, though. Fear gave me the upper hand. It kept everyone silent as I pulled Troye and Arthur into a little huddle._

_"I've got a single idea as far as a plan goes, but it's not a very good one," I mumbled, hoping the people trembling around us wouldn't overhear. "Before it happens, do either of you have any ideas?"_

" _Nope," Troye squeaked, grabbing on to my sleeve, "I'm going with your idea."_

_"Seconded." Arthur gave a nervous laugh. "Anything is better than standing here and getting shot. What's the plan?"_

_I looked between the two of them. "Follow me, keep up. That's all you need to do." I turned to the group of doctors, clearing my throat and making them all jump nearly at once._

_"When those doors open, I'm going to let you go." I said in a commanding voice, pointing to the elevator doors. We had just passed the second floor and were approaching the main level. "But you all need to run as fast as you can, all at once. Go straight for the main entrance. Any stragglers will be dealt with by me."_

_The elevator slowed. No one gave me any sign that they agreed, but the look of fear on their faces was just as good. I gently guided Troye's hand away from my sleeve and looked him in the eyes. "Have your keys ready." Then I turned to Arthur, capturing his gaze as well. "Look out for Troye. I'm going to be watching the both of you. Just keep moving, no matter what happens to me or any of these people, okay? Get each other out of here."_

_He swallowed hard, nodding. He looked pale and a bit shaky, but that could have just been nerves. Or at least, I prayed that's what it was. I turned sharply to the left and glared down the poor people there, trapped in the corner. I looked over their white lab coats, then held out my hand. "You three. Give me your jackets."_

_With hands shaking so hard they could hardly function, they slid out of their jackets and handed them over. I gave one to Troye and to Arthur, then slipped into one myself. It was a little tight around the arms, but I wasn't going to be picky now of all times._

_Ding._

_The doors opened. It was like the soft chime, followed by the mechanical clatter of the doors opening snapped a huge tension in the air. The other occupants in the elevator bolted, exactly as I had told them to. I felt a moments relief before charging in after them. "Keep in the middle!" I shouted to Troye and Arthur, pushing them out in front of me and into the throb of the mini crowd._

_As I had expected, there was a handful of people waiting in the lobby, guns aimed at the oncoming stampede of people. They were in all black, and I didn't have time to read the lettering on their uniforms. I ducked my head, staying generally in the center of the crowd moving towards the doors._

_"Stop!" Someone yelled from the group of men with guns, but no one listened. Not when they knew I was on their heels, the threat of all the horror stories they had heard on the news or from whispering on the streets only inches behind them._

_When they realized no one was going to comply, they aimed their weapons and searched the crowd._

_"Shit- Where- No clear shot! Hold your fire!"_

_I grinned to myself, passing right by the group of men meant to ambush me and out through the automatic doors into the open air. "Run!" I bellowed to Troye and Arthur, who didn't even glance back to make sure I was coming. Troye took the lead, heading straight back to the car we had driven over in. Arthur was only a bit behind, his hand clutching his stomach right over where I had shot him, causing a little surge of fear to churn my stomach._

_A rain of bullets hitting cars and the pavement around me caused me to misstep. I slipped, hitting the ground. The hard pavement met my face, and for a while all I could see was the ground tilting around me. Despite this, my inner instinct was driving me on. I started to drag myself, despite my arms feeling limp and heavy. I managed to get myself behind a parked car, and the bullets stopped for a moment._

_Faintly, I could hear someone commanding, "Move, move!"_

_I coughed, slowly raising myself to my feet and moving forward again, keeping low. In my fall I had lost sight of Troye and Arthur, and now I stumbled through the rows of cars, lost and starting to rapidly lose hope. The more I moved, the more aware I was of a growing pain in my shoulder and side. I groaned, stopping to press my hand against the spots causing the pain. They were warm, and I knew I was bleeding even before I pulled my hand away to find it stained with a deep crimson color._

_I closed my eyes tightly. I had been shot, and I had lost my little group. Dammit, this was where I was going to have to call it quits. I wouldn't get to see my life being turned around, I wouldn't get to find my family, I wouldn't even get to find peace for my inner war with my deceased husband. I would be shot down like a dog behind some shitty Honda, and that would be the end of the other half of the infamous serial killer duo._

_"Found him!" A man screamed from just behind me. He was standing a good distance from the car I had myself propped against, in the middle of the driving lanes with his gun pointed at me. "Don't move, Lester!"_

_I sighed, making myself stand up straight and turn to look at him. His eyes widened and he took a step towards me. Brave man. But I wasn't going down without something of a fight. Even if it was over quicker than I could lunge at him, at least it was an attempt. I matched his step forward._

_"I said don't-"_

_He never got to tell me what he had said. One screeching of tires later, and he was flung over the roof the car that struck him where he stood. It took me a long time to register the faces in the car. Arthur, clutching to his seat belt for dear life, and Troye grinning like a madman. Once the initial shock wore off, I hastily got into the back seat of the car._

_"You just hit an officer with your car!" Arthur was rattled._

_Troye laughed. "He's not dead, chill out." Once I was in, he gave me a smirk in his mirror, then put the car in drive and floored it._

_Of course, the storm of bullets chased after us. I could hear them penetrating the car, and the back windows were cracked nearly to the point of shattering. But Troye didn't falter, didn't stop once. He drove like a madman out of the parking lot and towards the main road, his hands gripping the steering wheel tightly until the last bullet made its attempt on us._

_And then, there was silence. We all sat there, staring ahead, nothing to say. It had been a close call, but saying it out loud would sound stupid. We were glad we found each other, but verbalizing would take away the meaning. Troye being a little bit off mentally probably saved my life, but would speaking that be rude? So we just sat there._

_"Does anyone have something I cant put over this?" I asked after about five full minutes of silence, motioning to the wound in my shoulder. Arthur turned in his seat to look at me, giving a little gasp._

_"Oh! Um, do you want my shirt?" He started to tug at the fabric, but I shook my head._

_"No, keep it." I rasped._

_Troye reached over to the glove box, opening it and pulling out a bunch of napkins, throwing them back at me. "My nan always said those would come in handy one day."_

_Another lapse of silence, but it was much shorter before we all burst out into laughter. I was laughing so hard I had a difficult time holding the feeble napkins to my bleeding shoulder. Arthur ran a hand through his graying hair, shaking his head. "I think I've finally lost it." He laughed a little, looking up at the roof of the car. "Jesus Christ."_

_"Welcome to the club. We can get matching straight jackets." I joked weakly, leaning back in my seat and wincing as my wounded shoulder hit the seat._

_"I like that idea." Troye hummed, shifting out of his hoodie and tossing it back to me. "Here, sorry about the napkins."_

_I snickered and carefully pressed the hoodie against my wound. "It's fine. It was a good idea."_

_I closed my eyes, exhaling and trying not to fall asleep. Why the hell was I so tired at a time like this? But everything in my body was trying to slow down, including my mind._

_"Phil? Hey, Phil! Stay awake, okay? We'll get you somewhere safe and patch you up." Arthur reached back and placed a hand on my knee, shaking it until I opened my eyes. "Atta boy. Okay, where are we going?"_

_"Back to my house?" Troye suggested._

_"To Sawyer." I mumbled. "Then to Dan. I need to see them both before anything else. Arthur, where is Sawyer?"_

_Arthur bit his lip. "He's...He's with your mom. I'm not sure where."_

_I squeezed my eyes shut, shaking my head. "She lives pretty far from here..."_

_Troye again fumbled around in his car until he found his cellphone on the floor, tossing it back to me. "Call her, and we'll head towards the cemetery."_

_I looked at the phone, then to him. "Troye, they can trace calls. They'll know you're helping me."_

_"As if it wasn't obvious when I ran over a police officer and stole you away. Seriously, call. It's okay."_

_I nodded, and with a shaking hand, I dialed her numbers. I looked at the screen a long time before finally hitting call and holding the phone up to my ear._

_One ring._

_Two rings._

_Three rings._

_"Hello?" My mom's chipper voice, sounding like it had every time I had called before. Well, minus the one time I called from the jail and asked her to take care of Sawyer. I had never heard my mom terrified before, and that moment all that time ago, it was directed at me. She was terrified of me._

_I hoped my voice wouldn't have the same effect on her now. "Mom," my voice was small. "I need to talk to Sawyer. Please."_

_A long pause. "Is...Is this Phil?" She replied, the happiness draining from her voice. I could hear the fear starting to creep back in._

_"It is. Please, mom. I just need to talk to him once, then I promise I'll be gone. I need to say goodbye. Please..."_

_I heard some static, a little rustling. I thought for a moment she hung up._

_Then I heard his voice. "S'a phone!" Sawyer said happily, and it brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't help it, I started to cry. Jesus, he was talking already. And very well, which the doctors always told Dan and I that he might be struggling with speech given his Downs. But he sounded healthy. Happy._

_"Hey, Sawyer. It's papa." I said, clutching the phone like I was holding him. "Do you remember me?"_

_Without a seconds hesitant, he replied, "Papa!" He began to babble on, and I couldn't make out half of it. At one point, he started to repeat the ABC's to me, then broke off into a fit of laughter. I had to cover my mouth to muffle my crying. I closed my eyes, just listening to him. I couldn't tell if my heart was breaking or mending._

_"S'a kitty. And a kitty soft. Soft, papa. Papa?" He waited patiently for me to respond._

_I sniffled, wiping my eyes quickly. "I'm here, buddy. What about a cat? Are you playing with grandma's cat?"_

_"Yes!" He squealed. "She soft."_

_"I'll bet." I smiled a little, a few more tears slipping from my eyes. "Are you being good?"_

_"Good." He replied. He probably didn't understand most of what I was asking, but I couldn't care less. His voice was all I needed._

_"That's good, Sawyer. Hey, papa is gonna have to go. Okay? I'm gonna go see Daddy. You remember him too?"_

_"Daddy!" He repeated gleefully. Though Dan and I were not his actual fathers, we assumed the role so much that it's what we wound up going by to him. Sawyer wouldn't be able to tell the difference. He hardly knew his real parents. In fact, he would probably forget about Dan and I in a year's time. He was so young still. Dan and I were only around for a short period of his life. And I doubted if my mom would keep our memory alive for him. It would be best for him to just move on and grow up, to forget us. No matter how much it hurt me to think so._

_"Daddy and Papa love you so much, Sawyer. Okay? We're gonna go bye-bye now, though. So you've got to be good, alright?"_

_He didn't say anything, but I could still hear him breathing into the receiver. I bit my lip for a moment, willing my voice not to break. "We love you. More than anything, buddy. We love you."_

_"I love you." Though his speech was a little slurred, him having a hard time with words, I could still make it out. "Papa. Love you."_

_"I love you too." I said desperately into the phone, my voice shaking so much I could hardly get the words out. "I love you. Be good. Be happy. Okay?"_

_"Okay." He said eagerly. "M'good."_

_"I know you are. You're a good boy. You're so smart, and so kind. You're the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me." This was all going way over his head, but I needed him to know. Maybe it would stick with him, somehow. Maybe he would understand that he had a makeshift father who loved him, even though he had to grow up without him. "I'll see you again someday. I promise."_

_"Papa?" He asked._

_"Yes Sawyer?"_

_"Love you." He sounded very proud of himself. "Love papa. Come home?"_

_I opened my mouth to respond, but my throat seized up on me. I nodded, but he couldn't see it. My vocal chords worked just enough to get out, "Yes, Sawyer-" Before I was cut off by my mom's voice._

_"Phil!" She exclaimed._

_But I couldn't face her, not now. I quickly hung up, thrusting the phone back up to Troye and sitting back in my seat. The ache in my shoulder seemed to dull compared to the fresh wound ripped in my heart. I replayed his voice over and over in my head._ Love you. Love papa. _The words bounced around in my head, filling me with love and sadness. I knew I likely wouldn't ever see him again, and he would forget about me. But it was okay. Because just then, he loved me still. That's all I needed._

_"Are you okay?" Arthur asked me. He was still turned around in his seat, watching me with concern while Troye drove. I smiled a little at him, nodding and holding my hand out to him. He took it, giving it a gentle squeeze of reassurance. He probably could have gone full on therapist at that moment, explain my feelings to me and help me cope, but I think he knew that I was perfectly content with these complex feelings. For once, I wanted  no answers._

_"We're almost there." Troye said softly, blinkering on to a small road. I looked up, taking in the familiar surroundings of the graveyard. Of course, of course Dan would be buried next to his parents. It was almost ironic, in a horrible way. But I had been here before with him, delivered flowers to the very people he had killed. His first embark into his evil pleasures, and he would pay respects to them with his baby brother._

_Soon, the headstones were in sight. It was all so peaceful, a cloudy sky and green grass. No one was around, not with the threat of rain and the chill of the wind. Troye drove up to the parking lot, then stopped the car. He looked over at me. "Do you want us to come with you?"_

_I shook my head. "No, I have to do this on my own. I've got a lot of questions for him."_

_Arthur gave my had another squeeze before finally letting it go. I looked at them, the only two people left in the world on my side. The ones who looked past my monstrous exterior and saw a man inside who just needed help. I leaned forward, grabbing the both of them and pulling them into an hug. It was a little awkward with the car seats between us, but none of us cared. They held on to me tightly with no hesitation. We remained that way for a few moments before I let them go, smiling sadly at the both of them. "I'll be right back."_

_With their nods, tears pooling in both of their eyes, I got out of the car. I stood in the parking lot for a moment, studying the gray stones from a distance before finally walking towards them. The only sound was my feet moving across the gravel, then squishing softly across the wet grass. As I walked, I tied Troye's hoodie tightly around my shoulder, wincing a little at the pain. But I had a mission, and no hole in my shoulder was going to stop me._

_For the last time, I went searching for Dan._


	13. Chapter Twelve

_I knew I would be followed, and I think Arthur and Troye knew that as well. Narrowly escaping the law sure as hell wouldn't stop them from getting to me. I just prayed that they would be smart enough to know not to try and stop them. I didn't have a lot of time left to get done what I needed to, and I knew that. Even if talking to a grave would be utterly pointless, it might sew together something in my mind. Maybe help me find peace with everything._

_I knew there wouldn't be any moving on, really. It would be a last attempt to find peace before my death._

_Up the small sloping hill, and under the shade of a couple of large pine trees, I could see his grave. To the left of his mother and father's, still looking fairly new. His grave was dark grey speckled with little bits of a lighter stone. As I stumbled up the hill and approached it, I could read the words printed in large font._

_Daniel Lester  
June 11, 1991 _

_There wasn't a death date. There was no fucking death date. It was like they were merely acknowledging he existed at some point, but were too ashamed to let the world know that they allowed him to continue living for as long as he did. No flowers, no inspiring words carved into the grave, and no picture out to remember his face. He was a mistake in the eyes of the world, and they wouldn't let him be anything more that that, no matter how much other people had cared for him. No matter how much the man who gave him that last name cared for him._

_"I'm sorry," I whispered as I approached the headstone. "You deserved more than-"_

_My body jerked violently in a few different directions, my legs giving out beneath me. It felt like every surface of my skin was exploding. I fell forward, my ears ringing as I caught myself on Dan's headstone, narrowly avoiding cracking my head against it. I stared down at his name, now inches away from my face._

_Daniel Lester._

_June 11th. He hated his birthday, said it was way too hot to celebrate by that time of year. He always wished he could switch for my birthday in January, but I argued that it was too cold to do anything fun around then. We had those pointless debates, using up time we could have spent telling each other how much we loved each other. Now it was too late._

_Daniel Lest-_

_A large splatter of dark red blood fell onto the last part of his name, the part we shared. I blinked, my vision hazing in and out._

_And then the pain hit me. And the realization of where my ears ringing had come from. What felt like minutes must have only been a matter of seconds. I used my free hand to shakily bad along my body, feeling gaping holes in my torso that were pouring blood. Shouting, now that my hearing returned, I could distinctly hear shouting. I had no idea whose it was, but it was getting closer. I had been shot. I was dying._

_The people I helped kill were so lucky. They were lucky because they had no idea that they were dying. I saw it each and every time I had to deal with a victim. There was this sort of spark in their eyes, this weird mad hope that they could make it out of this alive. That fight that the human spirit had up until the very end. They died with a little bit of comfort, even if they didn't know it. And they wouldn't know there was no chance until the very end, and by then, it was too late._

_I had the curse of knowing exactly what death looked and felt like. I had been so up close and personal with it over the last few years that I was beyond familiar, and that scared me. I wanted to be like them, be like the people Dan and I killed. I wanted hope, or anything else to mask the sheer terror pulsing through my body as my own blood abandoned me._

_Dying is more painful than it looks. From the outside, I thought that maybe the adrenaline from the fear would keep one from feeling much pain, but I was wrong. It was crippling, and I couldn't breathe simply from the agony of it all. I curled up on the ground, eight feet above the coffin that contained Dan's remains. I was on my side, holding my arms around my torso tightly like it might hold in my life. There was my mad hope, that I could stop this. Even though I knew, I knew it was all going to end. Like it should have, with Dan and I together._

_But I still had my question. The one answer I needed from him._

_With a shaking, pathetic voice, I looked down at the grass my head was resting on and whispered, "Did you love me?"_

_The answer didn't come immediately to my mind, and I could feel everything starting to shut down. I was getting so fucking cold I was shaking, and my breathing was ragged and making me cough. "Please, Danny." I begged the unresponsive ground. "I need...To know..."_

_I closed my eyes. It felt like the earth had collapsed out from under me, and I was free falling to an abyss. I was terrified, but there was nothing to grab onto. I was going down, spinning and turning, waiting in suspense for my body to hit something._

_I exhaled for the last time._

_\---_

"Phil!" Dan's voice rang out through our new house. "I can't find the boxes with the cleaner, and I can't put anything away until I clean the dust from these godforsaken shelves!"

I knew he was frustrated, and I probably shouldn't have laughed, but I did. I was so whacked out from practically no sleep and working to get this house in habitable condition that literally anything was funny. I had been laughing at the tape roller moments earlier because it had made an odd noise while I struggled to get it to tape tarp to the carpet so we could paint. 

Dan came into the room, finding me on the floor, cracking up and seemingly nothing. He raised an eyebrow, carefully stepping onto the plastic-covered carpet and looking down at me. "Finally lost it, have you?"

"Yes," I giggled, putting my face into my hands. "Oh, God. What are we doing? Are we even ready to be renovating a house all by ourselves? Like, I'm feeling pretty under qualified right now. I don't even know how to fucking use a tape gun." I was mad, but I was still having fits of laughter. Dan just watched me, shaking his head slowly. 

He sat down beside me, picking up the tape gun an examining it. "It's upside down." He said finally.

"What?" I looked over at him.

"The tape," he pulled the roll off and flipped it over. "You had the sticky side facing up. That's why it wouldn't tape anything."

I stared at him for a while, the silence between us growing from one moment to the next. "I think the cleaning supplies are in the garage." I added finally. "That's where I saw them last."

More silence, then we burst into actual laughter. Dan fell back, the heavy plastic crinkling beneath him as he slid over to my side. We laughed until we both had aching stomachs and tears in our eyes, laying side-by-side and staring up at the ceiling while we calmed down. 

"Are you having second thoughts?" Dan asked after a moment, "About this whole sudden marriage and house thing. Because I'd get it. I really would."

"No!" I said, rolling over on my side to face him. "Never in a million years, darling. I said I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and I meant it." I paused. "Are you?"

He smiled, his expression steady, assured. "No. I'm not."

I wanted to kiss him, but he had that deep and thoughtful look on his face. So I waited quietly while he sorted through the thoughts in his mind. Honestly, I could have probably watched him do that all night and never get tired of it.

"I think we know how much we need each other." He said finally, nodding to himself. "I mean, even after just a short time of dating, I recognized you were my better half pretty fast. You kept me calm and sane, and I found myself making decisions that I was sure of, rather than just picking a choice blindly out of fear. And it didn't take me long to realize that's exactly what I needed." He glanced at me from the corner of his eye. "And you obviously needed me to stop you from snacking in the middle of the night."

I snickered. "Yes, that's why I had you spend the night. To stop my snacking habits."

He moved on his side now, too, and he lay across from each other in our big, empty house. We had so much to get done, and laying here reminiscing wasn't going to help any of it. But it's what we needed. He was right though, we were in dire need of each other when we were introduced. He needed stability, and I needed his love. Little did I know that he would bring that and more when he told me about his baby brother who was living with him. Dan met my expectations and needs, then exceeded them. He always brought an extra amount of happiness to my life.

"I-" 

"No," Dan cut me off. "Let me say it first. I love you."

I blinked, then smiled. "I love you too. Why did you have to say it first?"

"In case I forget." There was a subtle amount of fear in his eyes, and his smile was fading. "Because I'm not always going to be good, and I know that already. But I want you to know that I love you. A lot of things are going to change now, but that won't. Okay? No matter who we become, or how old we get, or any of the shit we're going to face. I just... I just want to tell you now. And maybe, when you're really mad at me in the future, you can look back and remember." His smile returned.

I moved forward, pressing my mouth to his soft lips and remaining there for as long as I could. When I pulled away, he searched my face with his eyes, biting his lip nervously.

"I'll remember that." I said, brushing his cheek with the back of my hand. "Even when you're yelling at me for eating all the cereal in the middle of the night, I'll remember. It's hard to forget, because your love is the only one I've ever really...craved, I guess. I mean, I've loved people, but it's never been quite like this, Dan. It's never been so fulfilling. You love me, and you always will. And I love you, no matter what happens. Deal? We have to love each other no matter what."

He held up his pinky finger. "To the very end. Promise?"

I linked mine with his, and locked our eyes. "I promise."

His eyes were swimming with emotion, mixes of fear, excitement, and love. "Are we qualified for this?" He asked, a grin spreading across his face and making his dimple show.

"Not at all." I laughed, linking our hands together. "But we'll make it work, somehow. It will just have to be in our own style."

"Oh God. I'm not sure I want to know what style that is. We can't even match carpet and paint." Dan looked over to the wall that was going to be subject to an earthy brown color that my mom had picked out, saving us from a sage green that would have apparently clashed with the carpet. 

I watched him until he finally returned his gaze to me. I kissed his knuckles. "Don't care what we have to do," I said softly. "Even if we make a mess of it, it'll be our mess. I wouldn't trade it for anything."


	14. Epilogue

_Doctor Arthur Sutton's personal tapes_

__Recording created on the 3rd of May, 2017 at 11:48 PM_ _ __Length 1 hour, 38 minutes and 4 seconds_ _

_"I suppose this is where I make my confession. I don't... I don't think I've ever really been the one on the therapy chair, so to speak. But there's a body in my kitchen. Troye's finally gone to sleep, he's on my bed. It's been... Oh, about 5 hours that the body has been in the kitchen. When do they start to, like, smell? I don't know, I was never much of a forensics person. Felt safer meeting the killer than facing the bodies. I'm going to have to get over that, because I have both a corpse to consider._

_"Troye has been asleep for 20 minutes, I think. Time is very important to solving a murder, right? Not that you need to solve it. If you find this tape, then you'll know. I guess... I guess I'll leave it next to her. Make it simple. Troye won't be making any comments in this. You'll know how bad he is after this, but I'm helping him, and he'll help me. And we'll be gone before anyone even starts to suspect._

_"I... Oh, god. I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know. But I have to, we only have each other now. After Phil, he's just... Neither of us have been the same. I should have seen this coming. I think I did, I just hoped that it wouldn't get this far. I hoped someone would stop us. But now we're here... We've done it. I understand Dan and Phil a lot more now. I thought I did before, but now that I'm in their shoes... It's so different. There's no way to explain how easily my brain is willing to excuse what we've done, though I still know somewhere in my mind that's is wrong._

_"I'm going to explain everything just like Phil used to do with me. That's simpler. After I explain, I'm going to go to sleep. We'll leave in the morning. You can try and track us, if you like, but I don't think you'll be able to catch up. We'll disappear. The only thing you'll be able to find, I hope, are the corpses we leave behind."_

 

_\---_

 

The was brisk in the morning, even by England's standards for spring. My feet hit the pavement of the running path, one soft thud after the other accompanied by my breathing. All around me, the greening grass and budding trees were just starting to be warmed up by the graying light of dawn. I looked at the branches, as the blades of grass, at the rocks, and at my own feet. This was my morning ritual now, purging my thoughts before they even began with mindless jogs through bland scenery. My morning thoughts were the worst kind, they always went places my foggy had mind had no energy to keep them from.

I was only about halfway through my jog when my phone started to ring. I ignored it the first time, figuring it was just Emily worrying about where I was, and when I would be home. I didn't answer my ex-fiance ever while I was out, but she still called and left voicemail after voicemail. And when I got home, she would ask, "Did you get my messages?" When we both knew I had just ignored her. And then I would continue to ignore her, walking past to my room where I could get some work done.

This time was different. The phone rang, buzzing in my pocket while I stared at the cloudy sky, and didn't even get to finish ringing before it started again. I blinked, reaching into my pocket and pulling out the flip phone. The caller ID said Emily, as I expected. She repeated the process of calling again before it stopped ringing, so I figured it must be actually important this time. I flipped it open, slowing my jog to a stop. "Emily?"

"Thank God," She sighed, her voice sounding strained. "I know you're out jogging, but Troye isn't doing well this morning. It's... It's getting kind of bad. Could I convince you to come home?"

"Yes. Be there in 10." I hung up my phone without asking for details, turning myself around and starting back the way I had come.

Troye had been living with me off and on. I didn't know where he was in the multiple weeks where he wasn't in my house, sleeping on the couch or in my bed on bad nights. I didn't ever ask, because we both knew he would just lie. I didn't care, either. He could be doing anything, so long as he found his way back. He always did, even if he was covered in wounds, or tripping on some sort of substance. But I would clean him up, get him comfortable, and care for him until he vanished again. That's just how it went since Phil.

And that's what I had tried to keep my mind off of. I didn't avoid thinking of him by any means, repression is the worst thing you can do with grief. But too early and it could ruin my whole day, and skew my logical thinking. I didn't need that on top of Troye not being able to keep his stability.

I knew he was likely upset because today was the anniversary of Phil's death. The poor boy never could get over it, and neither did I. But there was a reason he was at the same mental hospital that Phil was, he wasn't alright in the head to put it the nicest possible way. I often wondered if he didn't have some form of psychosis, but I didn't feel sure enough in my abilities these days to make a solid diagnosis on him. 

The world felt a lot less real to me as I jogged back home, avoiding the cheery faces of other early morning exercisers and keeping my head down until I was on the familiar paved road of my street. I looked up then, at my house.

Though the morning sun was rising, the porch lights were on. We left them on all day, Emily and I, whenever Troye was out doing whatever it was that he did. He must have just dragged himself in this morning after I had gone out, but before Emily went to her day job. She knew how to manage a delirious and exhausted Troye pretty well, so he must not be in that easy of a mood for her to call me. I took the steps two at a time, landing on the top step and hearing a scream from inside.

It belonged to Emily. It didn't make me rush faster to the door. I straightened out my clothes, pushed back my graying hair, and opened the door slowly.

Emily was still standing, so I immediately ignored her situation of looking terrified. "Troye?" I asked.

My ex-fiance, shaking and pulling at her sandy blonde hair, looked at me with wide eyes. "The garden." She whispered, mascara running from the bottom of her eyes.

I nodded, brushing past her without another word and going to the back door. It was slightly open, and I could hear soft crying outside. I paused, putting on my best calm-professional-doctor face and stepping outside. I scanned the yard, following the sounds of sobbing until my eyes finally found Troye.

He was kneeling almost under the steps of the back porch, huddled over a mass in his arms. I descended the stairs slowly, rounding them and standing beside him. When I was fairly certain he wouldn't lash out, I knelt beside him. "Troye? What's the matter?"

"I can't take it," He hiccuped, shying away from me and holding whatever was in his arms closer. I couldn't see very well, but I thought I saw some fur. My stomach began to sink. "Arthur, I can't... All day, all my thoughts... They're always this. The medicine doesn't work, and I can't go back to the hospital. Oh, god, don't make me!"

"No one is taking you away from me," I soothed, reaching out and gently touching his shoulder. "Just show me what you've done. We'll take care of it, I promise."

He was breathing fast and hard, his limbs twitching every now and again. Finally, he lifted his head and looked at me. As he did so, he relaxed his grip on the limp, furry body in his arms. It was a medium sized dog, a mixture of white and grey with dark stains of crimson coming from its throat. I looked it over, feeling a lot calmer about it than I thought I would. I gazed over the poor animal, then looked at Troye. "Is this the only one?"

"Yes," he whispered. He pushed the animal away from him, then held his arms up to me. I leaned over, letting him wrap his arms around my neck like a small child, carefully scooping him up and standing with him cradled in my arms. I once again looked at the dog, deciding to take care of it later and taking Troye back inside.

Emily was waiting just inside the door, her face a mixture of concern and horror. I shut the door with my foot, glancing at her. "I'll take care of it." I said.

"Take care of it?" She echoed, looking between Troye and I. "Arthur, this is going too far. You need to take care of this by calling-"

"Shhh," I warned Emily, feeling Troye start to tense up in my arms. "No need. It's okay. He made a mistake."

"This isn't a mistake," She said in a softer tone. "This is the start of... You know better than anyone, Arthur."

"We'll talk about it later." I said grimly, walking past her.

"This can't wait," she tried to sound firm in her stance, but her voice faltered.

I ignored her, carrying Troye to the stairs and carefully making my way up. I was definitely getting older, and though Troye was smaller for his age, he was still a grown man, and very hard for me to carry. By the time I got him in the bathroom, my shoulder was starting to ache something awful. But he needed me, so I pushed past my own pains and tried to focus on helping him.

Troye allowed me to set him down. He sat on the floor of the bathroom, his face crumpling as he started to cry again. He wiped at his tears furiously with his bloody hands, creating an even bigger mess while I got the tap running. I stepped out for a moment, going back down the stairs to grab a bowl to fill with water. Emily was still there, leaning against the wall with a troubled expression. She looked up at me as I came in. "When do we call the police?"

"We don't." I said, searching in the kitchen for a bowl. I found one, and when I turned around to go back up the stairs, Emily stood in my way. I sighed, tapping my fingers on the edge of the glass bowl. "Look, Em. It's just a dog. It's okay. Today is a really sensitive day."

"It's not just one dog, Arthur. He's probably done this before. All those times he vanished... I mean, the blood all over him and his clothes-"

"Just don't question it." I said flatly. I tried to move past her, but she stood her ground. "Em, I'm serious. I said I'd take care of it, and I will. He just needs to calm down and-"

"What the hell are you doing?" She cut me off. I stared at her blankly, and she folded her arms. "Arthur, this is... I mean, this is worse than the drugs. I would honestly rather find you shooting up in the bathroom than defending Troye. I like the kid, and I understand your desire to protect him... But there comes a time when you've got to realize that what's best for him isn't necessarily keeping him beside you. I know... I know you're feeling guilty because you couldn't fix Phil. You couldn't save him. You both went through a traumatic event, watching him being killed. I understand that you bonded through that. You know, you were damn lucky you weren't arrested for being involved. But it's getting unhealthy now. Troye needs help, there's still time to fix him. You can save him, Arthur."

I stared at her a long time, my emotions ranging from hurt to anger. A voice inside me was whispering to me that she was right, but I didn't want to hear it. Phil would never forgive me if I let them lock Troye away like he had, let the whole world view him as a monster when he was really just a poor boy who was hurting. Phil had to spend his remaining days treated like some sort of lesser human. I wouldn't let that happen to Troye. 

"Just let me clean him up," I said finally, my tone edging on pleading. "I'll get him to bed, and we can talk more about it. I know... I know what he's doing is wrong. I know where it seems like he's going. I'm not blind. I just don't want him to hurt. Please."

She relaxed after a few moments, sighing and stepping to the side. "Alright... I'll be waiting in the lounge."

"Thank you." I ducked past her, going back up the stairs as quickly as I could. I had no intentions of letting her win this fight, but I would have to think of something quickly if I wanted to distract her from calling anyone just yet. 

When I entered the bathroom again, Troye was standing up, staring at himself in the mirror. He glanced at me in the reflection as I entered, his red-rimmed eyes dull, almost lifeless. "I fucked up, didn't I?" he asked in a hoarse voice.

I set the bowl on the counter, standing behind him and putting a hand on his back. "Not too bad," I said in a lighthearted tone. "Nothing that can't be smoothed over."

"I heard you talking to her," he said, his face starting to fill up with expression again. Sadness. "You think I'm crazy. You think I should go back."

"I don't think any of that." I assured him, and I didn't have to fake my sincerity. "You're just fine, Troye. Now sit down. You're all dirty."

He lowered himself on to the floor, his back against the bathtub, and I filled the bowl with water. I grabbed a hand towel, kneeling in front of Troye and dipping the towel in the warm water. He watched me distantly as I cleaned the blood that he had smeared on his face and hands. After too much silence, I spoke again. "We'll get you all nice and clean, then you can rest in my bed. Okay? And when you wake up, we can go to that little diner you like and get milkshakes."

"She'll call someone before then." his voice was hollow. 

I paused for  just a moment, then continued to gently rub the blood from his cheeks. "No, she won't. I'll make sure of it. She just needs to understand you like I do. The world reacts very badly to those who don't fit the mold of what is deemed right and wrong, and it's all very hypocritical. They'll say that murder is wrong, and yet the death penalty is still very much operational." Troye smiled a bit, and I tapped the tip of his nose with my finger. "I don't think you should be locked away because you think differently, because your mind doesn't fit the norm. You're a human being through and through. You should be treated as such. I always told Phil that, and I'll tell you as well."

His smile faltered, and he looked down at the floor. "I miss him." He whispered. "I felt so close to him when I..." He trailed off, but I didn't need him to finish. Phil would not have wanted Troye to turn to this, but I didn't dare tell him that. Whatever made him feel better, I was willing to go along with. I couldn't find Phil, myself, in anything anymore. Just painful reminders of him. I wanted to badly to feel him like Troye did, to have that sense of comfort. But I felt way too little, recently. Far too alone. I only ever found good reminders of him when I helped Troye.

He let me finish cleaning him up in silence, not even flinching as I pulled his shirt over his head and gently patted the blood that had soaked through away. He would need a shower later on, but he looked far too tired for that now. I cupped his cheek in my hand and moved his face up to look at me. "You ready for some sleep?"

"I can't. It's too loud." he replied softly, scooting forward and resting his forehead against my collarbone.

I stayed kneeling in front of him, placing a hand on his back and rubbing in slow circles. "What's loud, Troye?"

"All of them," he whispered.

I closed my eyes, holding him tighter against me. God, I was losing him to his own mind. "What makes them quiet?"

He didn't respond. I waited for a while, then sighed and gave it up. He was limp against me, his breath evenly hitting against my skin. "At least come sit on the sofa and watch a movie with me," I offered, "Let your body rest, maybe take your mind off of everything."

"Sure," Troye did sound exhausted, but as I leaned away from him, his eyes were wide open, fixed on nothing. I guided him to his feet, and we started towards the stairs. I was unable to keep my hands off of him in one way or another, because it felt like all I could do to keep him with me. I touched his shoulder or back lightly as we walked, keeping my concerned gaze on him as often as I could. He slowly stopped reacting, drawing into himself and staring off into the distance. If I didn't give him nudges in the direction to walk, i was afraid he might have just sat down and gone into a coma or something. 

When we came to the landing, I heard Emily's voice. She was talking softly on her cellphone, her back to us as she looked out through the back door. I knew what she was looking at, the dog Troye had brought back to us. 

The last thing I remember was Troye tugging on my sleeve, trying to stop me. But I too had fallen subject to my own mind. She was calling someone, I knew it. She was going to upset the delicate balance I had with Troye, that had stemmed from Phil. She was going to take Troye from me. She was going to throw the both of us back in that god forsaken hospital. Troye wouldn't survive, and I wasn't sure that I would either.

Everything got a little surreal as I approached Emily, and I completely drifted into my own thoughts as I grabbed her phone, hanging up on whoever she was calling and grabbing a fistful of her hair. I closed my eyes, the sounds and sights cut off at once.

Deep in my own mind, far away from my actions, I found myself with another person. Dan, the man that I heard endless tales about. The one Phil loved so adamantly despite everything that the killer put him through. We were face to face in a blank room, no signs of anyone else accompanying us.

"I never wanted to wind up here," I told him, a chill running down my spine as he gave me the same fake smile I saw in all the photos of him. "But I have to protect Troye."

"I had to protect Phil, as well." Dan said, his voice as dark as his eyes. "The world couldn't have him, he was too weak for that. I had to show him what strength was, give him a power he never knew he wanted. It was inside him, I knew it from the moment I met him. I just had to show it to him. That's love, Sutton. Bringing your beloved to their full potential."

I started to breath heavier, a fear of myself and him washing over me. "That's not love. That's insanity."

Dan laughed, his head rolling lazily to the side. "Oh, god. What's the difference?" His eyes snapped open, and his glare landed on me, making my skin feel like it was on fire. "You've been trying to cure the crazies all your life, doctor. You never once tried to cure yourself."

"I did-" I tried to argue.

"A pathetic attempt." He spat, shoving my chest. "It's too late now. You're too far gone." He relaxed, a weird sort of calm and inviting expression masking his rage. "Go on, now. Give in, let it go. You knew this was coming. It was either you or Troye. Why don't you show him the way?"

As he spoke, I seemed to be pulled away from him by an invisible force. I watched Dan get smaller and smaller, overtaken by a red mist. I could only see the red for a while, my breathing coming in and out rapidly like I was running. 

Through the mist, I heard a new voice. A familiar one. It cleared away some of the red. Slowly, the image of my hands became clear. My hands, the veins under my skin bulging as I clamped them down tightly on two wrists, pinning them to the ground. I was brought back into reality with each sharp breath that I took.

I was pinning Emily down by sitting on her body, my hands keeping her arms from moving or pushing me away. She was trying to scream, but another hand was clamped tightly over her mouth. I followed up the arm of the one holding her down, my eyes connecting with vibrant blue ones. Troye was only inches from my face, his eyes clear and intent. "Do it," he whispered to me, leaning forward and brushing his lips across mine as he repeated, "Do it."

I almost asked him what he wanted me to do. The red mist was still at the corners of my vision, and all my nerves felt like they were bursting. Instead of trying to calm Troye down, tell him that we should let her go and apologize, a voice that I didn't recognize as my own slid smoothly from my lips. "Get me a knife."

Troye grinned, nodding and standing up. When Emily's mouth was released, she gave a short scream, cutting off as I looked down at her sharply. She cried softly, her horrible voice making me flinch. "Please, Arthur! This isn't you! You don't have to do this! We can fix it!"

"We've been trying to fix it for a year." I replied, my voice warm, almost tender as I spoke to her. "We've been through all the options, but we always wind up back in that same rut. I want to try something different. I think this could work."

Troye was back beside us, looking down at Emily in annoyance as she started to cry. He handed me a regular kitchen knife, one I remember chopping vegetables with for lunch not too long ago. He took over holding her hands as I raised the knife. Once more, I looked at him. He was smiling, for the first time in over a year he was back to his normal self. He was waiting in tense anticipation, and neither of us could hear the screams that started to rip from Emily's throat.

As I brought the knife down, I had a few seconds of wondering whether or not this would actually bring any enjoyment to me. But When that knife hit her skin, ripping through the meaty curve of where her neck and shoulder met, I was winded with how incredible it felt. The stuttering tear of a slightly dull knife breaking through layers of muscle, popping open veins that spurted bright red blood onto my kitchen floor. I gasped, then started to laugh. 

It was astounding, the instant feeling of relief. All of the emotions that I pent up, the stress of trying to keep myself from insanity came completely vanished. The security and strength I felt burst from every inch of me. 

I needed more.

The knife wasn't really the best tool for a murder, but I was going to make it work. I raised it up and down repeatedly, hitting any and every spot that I could. I pierced it between her ribs, scraped against her clavicle, split open her cheek. My reward for each stab was an overwhelming rush of euphoria, making me nearly scream with laughter. I couldn't stop, each puncture more addicting than the last. 

I thought nothing would stop me, until the strain of my stabbing actually made my arms lock up. I stopped, my chest heaving, dropping the knife onto the bloody meat pile that kind of resembled Emily. I couldn't even hardly make out her features, the blood and cuts completely deforming her.

"Arthur!" Troye gasp, and I snapped my head up to look at him. His lower half was almost completely soaked in blood, and he was grinning so wide I thought his face would split. "You found him. You did it!"

I was shaking all over from the absolute feeling of power and peace. It stirred up all of my best emotions, while simultaneously calming my aching soul. I grabbed his face in my wet hands, pressing my forehead to his. "How do you feel?" I asked, my voice returning to its previous familiar softness.

"I feel... Incredible." He admitted with a little laugh, dragging himself closer to me. Our lips awkwardly found each others, breaking frequently for gasps of air we rode on the euphoria, grabbing on to each other. My bloody hands painted his bare skin that I had just cleaned, a macabre portrait of our minds completely snapping, letting this deranged creatures take us over. Our mouths expressed what words couldn't at that time, the feeling of completeness, and of closeness. I didn't think we were in love. We were simply connected through something that isolated us from the rest of the world. It was leading into a burning obsession. That same feral part of me that just destroyed a woman I once cared for now was dragging out my instinct to take Troye away, keep him as my own and shelter him. 

There was a corpse in my kitchen, serving as a cushion while I stole Troye's breath away with my kiss. I wasn't planning on stopping, but he started to make soft whimpering sounds against my mouth. I parted our lips, studying his face. "What?"

"Hurts." He said softly, touching his mouth. I saw a bit of bright red blood on his lips, different from the darker kind that was drying on his skin. 

"Oh, sorry." I breathed.

He shook his head, smiling at me sweetly and pressing his swollen lips to my cheek. "It's okay, I liked it. I think I can sleep now."

"Do you want me to help you clean up?" I asked, feeling a bit empty as he let go of me and stood up. 

Troye shook his head, his messy curls falling in his eyes. "I can do it. When you're ready, will you come sleep with me?"

"Of course I will." I promised. Troye flashed me one more giddy smile before turning, almost skipping up the stairs and back into the bathroom. 

I was left alone now, the rush ebbing away. I missed the feeling already, before it was even completely gone. I looked down at Emily, carefully sliding off of her and standing up on my weak legs. I grabbed the edge of the counter, holding myself up a moment before my mind cleared and it actually dawned on me.

Oh my god. Oh my _god_. I had just killed someone. But more than that...

I looked at Emily, no longer with a sense of pride, but of horror. I whirled around to the sink, throwing up into the stainless steel basin, my gagging and sobbing mixing together. The body was horrific, that much was true. I couldn't stand to look at her as I edged myself away, focusing my eyes on the section of floor just beyond her body that I was trying to get myself to. 

But even more than that, than what I had done, I was horrified with myself. Not my actions, but the lack of remorse for them. I didn't fucking care that I just murdered. I was scared of getting caught, scared of Troye getting wound up in this, scared that I was capable of doing this, and scared that I wanted to do it again. But I didn't regret it, not one bit.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I hissed to myself, dropping to my knees when I finally got past her body, the conflicts and contradictions making me dizzy. I had to actually crawl to my study just across from the kitchen, dragging myself into my work chair and closing my eyes, waiting for the cold sweats to subside...

 

\---

 

_"We've got a duty now, to pick up where Dan and Phil left off. To keep Troye's voices at bay, to bring me happiness. Yes, it's probably insane. But I've seen people go to greater lengths to find their inner peace. My rational thinking is telling me that we shouldn't have done that, and we should be locked away. But I'm starting to wonder if that isn't just something that I've been trying to tell myself over the years. Regardless... It happened, and we have this weighing on our heads now. I promised to take care of Troye, and I will. I'll keep him happy until we meet our end."_

_The tape came to a whirring stop as I pressed the end button. I pulled the little white rectangle from my recording machine, holding it gingerly in my hands as I brought it out into the kitchen. I could look at Emily now, I had mentally numbed myself to the sight. I set the tape on the counter, looking her over before turning away. I climbed up the steps slowly, looking at each bloody footprint Troye had left in the carpet earlier. I sighed, stepping around them carefully and trudging to my room. I didn't clean myself up, I didn't care anymore. I stripped off my shirt, brushing at the dried blood on my hands absently as I sat on the edge of my bed._

_On the other side, Troye slept soundly. His hair was still damp from his shower, and I could smell my soap on his skin still. I put my face in my hands, closing my eyes and mulling over the days events. When I lifted my head and looked in the mirror across from me, I halted. I watched my own features contort, bending and molding into someone completely different, until it didn't even look like me sitting on my bed anymore._

_In the mirror, Dan stared back at me, a wicked smile on his lips._

 

**THE END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> henlo it is finally here and i'm slightly relieved mostly disappointed in myself eEK. so we can move on from this i'll probs delete it later and pretend like this story never happened (don't argue w me okay). thanks for those who muddled through this with me, and waiting stupidly long OOPS. but thank you, i know this was really dark and emotionally harrowing and just plain deranged but at the time i started it, i kinda needed that emotional release, so don't judge me too harshly we all have phases we regret :') i kinda do regret this story i'm sorry pls don't tell me you loved it thanks i'll just feel thAT MUCH WORSE. if i do delete it (from wattpad) you can find it on ao3 under the abandoned works still. thank you all again. sorry for this mess god


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